Depressed to WW

[Scotch]

Thanks twinmom. I will work on detaching more. Didn't recognize that.

Her parents got divorced, remarried, had their last kid together and then divorced again. So I know what your saying there.

Complaints: Mainly communication. Not emotionally connecting with her. Not being able to "show" her how much I loved her. All the things that make DB'ing seem harder lol.

[Scotch]

Yes Chicago IL, more of the western suburbs, out near Naperville more

[twinmom]

I'm in NW Indiana, 40minutes from my house to the loop (on a good traffic day, lol) the construction on LSD right at McCormick place is killing me lately!

Go into the city more often (that is if you enjoy it, I absolutely love it... will be moving downtown as soon as my kids are out of the house!)

Do you agree with your wife that you were lacking in those areas?
My suggestions, show your children how much you love them. Hug them, plan activities (free stuff), send them a package with a I love you card and maybe some of their favorite candy. My kids ADORE getting mail (even the oldest).
Scavenger hunt that starts with a card in the mail and ends with an I love you cake...
Women are attracted to good fathers.


Oh and by the way, it's easy to spew "you didn't SHOW me enough love". Only take responsibility for the truth.

[Scotch]

Yes I do agree with my wife I was lacking in those areas. I've do all the sports activities with my kids coaching all 3 of them in sports. I know however I could do even more at home. Since this started I have been making their lunch every day. Something my wife always did in the past. I've sat down and played board games or cards with them on a random day. But theres even more I can do. I know that.

Love hearing your advice on things to do!!

The tricky stuff comes with the stuff that effects her. DB'ing and showing more communication don't necessarily go hand in hand.

[twinmom]

Yes I do agree with my wife I was lacking in those areas. I've do all the sports activities with my kids coaching all 3 of them in sports. I know however I could do even more at home. Since this started I have been making their lunch every day. Something my wife always did in the past. I've sat down and played board games or cards with them on a random day. But theres even more I can do. I know that.

Love hearing your advice on things to do!!

The tricky stuff comes with the stuff that effects her. DB'ing and showing more communication don't necessarily go hand in hand.

Overloaded with work tonight & tomorrow so I'll elaborate later but basically use this analogy....
Your wife has fired you from your job of being her husband. If your boss at work were to fire you would you continously show up and try to prove him wrong?

[Fin]

Thinking back over the past 2 months or so its seems like she pulled away more. I've said before she is a very determined person. Gets her mind set on something and wants to follow through. I'm second guessing my approach with her.

She supposedly stopped talking to the EA OM. Can't prove it either way. But is she still thinking about him and getting back to talking with him and thats what driving her to keep moving forward with this? Trying a maybe with another guy who can tell her anything he wants because he has nothing to lose, instead of a M with 4 kids? Is this her driving force? In some ways she feels more distant. And yet in the middle of this, we have times were we laugh together and get along, short spurts mind you.

She agreed to TELL me her plans instead of just putting them on our calendar without verbalizing them to me. Another boundary I set this past week. It seems I get these mini boundaries but nothing seems to be working towards the R.

Is this how it works? Patience right? "I'm done trying". "I don't want to try anymore". "I don't want to talk about our R". All ringing in my head. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't see any movement from her since this started and maybe its gone the other way.

Patience right?

I feel like I am in the same boat as you, and we are pretty close by, I live in Oak Brook. My wife already moved out back to her parents in WI, but yeah the patience thing seems tough sometimes. Sometimes I feel like she just is drifting further and further away from any kind R, whether that is just getting over me and the marriage, or whether she is still continuing an EA with the OM.

I know it's a long process, but man I hear you that it's so tough to be patient sometimes.

[Scotch]

Fin, maybe we will have to get out sometime.

Patience can be so hard when it feels like your clock is ticking away. But I guess as long as it's still ticking, you still have time. Telling the kids is the first big step she is taking after she told me. I guess that's why I'm having a hard time with this too. Another milestone pasted and there aren't many to go by.

Talked again last night going over what to say. This time she had a 4 sentence speech written. I felt it was like hitting them with a blunt hammer and not much reassurance and comforting in it. I have to add my comments and talk again tonight when she gets home from work. T minus 2 days until the the kids get their BD. Ugh

[LiM]

Scotch, work on detachment more. As in not constantly trying to evaluate if your plan of action is "working".
Your plan of action is ultimately to make YOU an amazing person not control your wife.

THIS!!!!
I know its so hard not to try and figure out what is going on in her head but the truth is, you can't. Nothing that is going on in her head makes any sense right now. She's lost and you can't help her find her way. Let her go. Work on you. Be awesome. You've got to take your focus off of her and put on you and you alone. THIS is what will make a difference. You can't do anything to make her come around before she is ready. What you can do is be ready when she does. Be the LIGHTHOUSE. I can guarantee you W will notice the changes but she has to be ready to see them.
I was at dinner with my W tonight and she AGAIN told me that she saw my changes all along. They made her angry. She was PISSED that I was becoming a better person (and was certainly behaving better than she was). It wasn't until she decided to drop the blame and anger that she could begin to appreciate all the work I had done. SHE has to make that decision. You have no power over getting her to that place. She's got to make that decision on her own. So instead of thinking about what she is doing or thinking, work on YOU. Be ready to BLOW her away if/when she does come out of the fog.

[Scotch]

Be awesome. You've got to take your focus off of her and put on you and you alone. THIS is what will make a difference. You can't do anything to make her come around before she is ready. What you can do is be ready when she does. Be the LIGHTHOUSE. I can guarantee you W will notice the changes but she has to be ready to see them.
...So instead of thinking about what she is doing or thinking, work on YOU. Be ready to BLOW her away if/when she does come out of the fog.

I love this place! You guys say the right things at the right times. Thanks for everything you have and will say to help people like me not only try to save marriages but to better themselves along the way. It is appreciated!

[Scotch]

We talked again last night going over how to tell the kids. Didn't go well again. She wanted to just say her thoughts off the top of her head and I think it should be written down so nothing is forgotten or said wrong. She got extremely angry saying I was trying to control the situation. I told her I was trying to work with her and trying to discuss it with her and figure out a happy medium for both of us.

Her anger scared me a bit to be honest.

I stayed as calm as I could trying to keep her in the conversation and show that I was trying to compromise and work through it together. She stayed pretty upset throughout the conversation but we seemed to finally have something ready for tomorrow