I confronted my wife about having an affair and she confirmed it. She works in a super high stress, high prestige job and the affair is someone in her office. Their work is only a year long and it is largely confidential so I can't really discuss much of it with her. The job ends in june (good news) but then she is free to move wherever (bad news) They work between 12-14 hours per day with about 40 other people and worked more closely on a big successful project together in early February. The affair started sometime after that. In February, my wife experienced three big deaths, 1 family friend. 1 a co worker, 1 a family member, all within a three week period. We got into a bunch of fights around this time related to the stress of the deaths, and I thought something was going on with her so was not as supportive as maybe I could have been. Turns out these two have been working out for an hour everyday, sneaking away from work on weekends (When I thought they were working at the office) to do whatever. Now I confront her. She tells me she is in love with this guy (after 2-3 months), and wants a divorce. My wife is a deeply religious person who has up until this point, never believed in divorce. Both our parents are together for 30plus years. We have been married for nearly 4 years, together for 6, and at least through December, she was signing the praises of how I was the most supportive husband ever. I want my wife back. Both the OP and my Wife's jobs end at the end of June. He told his wife of 6 years (dating for 10) that he wants a divorce and is moving with my wife to her hometown when they finish their job in a few months. My wife is 31, he is 31, his wife is 31. According to both of them, they have not slept together, they have kissed, been over our houses a number of times but have not had sex (my wife waited until marriage to have sex, so it does not surprise me if true but I have some doubts). In December we started trying to have kids, but stopped in early February because my wife was worried the stress of the job might cause a miscarriage (a good friend had just had a miscarriage a few weeks before).
I sent out an email to all her family and friends letting them know about the affair and asking for them to help me get my wife back. Honestly it seems to crazy to me. 2 months, high stress, deaths, etc and winds up with someone from the office---its like a bad novel. Her mom is coming into town in a few hours. I have spoken extensively with the other spouse and she wants to fight like hell for her husband too. She has yet to send out an email to all his family and friends but has called his parents who apparently are worried about his drinking and stress and thinks he needs help. They are coming to visit him this weekend.
She slept in the other room last night. How do I act around her? What do I do next? We are supposed to travel out of town Friday for a wedding that she is in the wedding party for (the bride was on my email letting her know of the affair)? What do I do? How can I act.
I have not told her coworkers yet because if I did, it would likely make the news or at least the gossip. I would prefer to keep her professional reputation as intact as possible but since they work together and I think my first step is getting the relationship to stop as quickly as possible, in which case I might have to send it to her co workers and both of their very powerful supervisors.
Please let me know anything you think I should do/know. This is totally out of character for my wife and I need to snap her out of it.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I feel for you, man. Your situation is very much like mine with regards to Ws job stress level. My W is a high ranking officer who had extreme amounts of responsibility. However, unlike yours, mine also had severe mental issues, which must have come to light in part due to the stress.
I've heard some great advice on here about blowing up affairs. I would suggest that you might want to pull that last trigger - are you friends with people in the office? But, as many say on here, as long as she is involved with the OM, your relationship isn't on her radar - not in the least. Also, you must examine your own relationship so you can see if you can find what caused her to stray. Were there problems? Somewhere along the line she felt something was missing and found it in the OM.
I contacted my Ws family about her A and it didn't go as planned - family always support each other first... My Ws family is a bit on the trashy side (sorry, but true) and one actually supported her affair. I really do not like that member...
Come to think of it, I would out her in the final place.
As far as the trip - if you go, keep in mind that you pretty much are nothing to her. Sorry to be so callous, but that's just the way it is. If not, would she be involved in an A and talking marriage? Been there, done that - and now will be divorced soon...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
One thing is certain, this is going to take months, even years to play out. Be patient and understand the process. No-one snaps out of this... You fall, you cry, you get up. REPEAT.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Echo what Jeep said there. There are no quick fixes in any of our situations. This is a long haul journey for all of us.
Those links above are gold dust. The information in them is incredibly valuable.
Something else I'd add in there, something for you to start thinking about (if you can at this point in time) is that you can't do anything to control your W's behaviour. From what I understand, anything that you try to do will backfire on you and make her want to act up even more.
So the emails you're writing? Don't send them. I know just how hard it is, trust me. But her behaviour will show itself to be what it is in the fullness of time. You don't have to do anything.
The only thing you can do at this point in time is to focus on your own care and wellbeing.
She called. Said she was pissed about the email I sent and wanted to make sure there wouldn't be anymore. Told me it sounded like I was threatening her and she didnt want her professional reputation ruined. We talked civilly about plans for the weekend (i'm not going to the wedding, but going out there to hang out with friends). We wont see each other until the plane ride home when we are sitting next to each other. She asked a few times what I wanted, what I was thinking etc. I told her I was thinking she is borderline crazy right now, acting irrationally but there is nothing really I can do about it so go and do whatever it is you are going to do to fill the hole in your heart. I think she was somewhat taken a back by the answer.
Today they both are back at work together. His wife is finally home from his trip so they are going to have it out. His parents and her parents are flying into town this week to talk some sense into the other guy. Wife is staying at our house tonight with my MIL and then next week is staying the whole week with a girlfriend. She promised her mom that she is not going to stay with him but who knows if that's true. But not that it really matters if she is seeing him at the office all day and going to workout with him everyday.
MIL told me that she agreed to go to counseling with me if the person was willing to listen to both sides. She never mentioned that to me (and I never asked). Not sure how much good that will do given that there is no indication yet they will break it off.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Well at least for the moment it sounds like you guys have positive pro marriage supporters. My WW didn't have anyone pro marriage to talk to, or should I say she chose not to talk to anyone really pro marriage, and her biggest supporters imcluding mother, step father, father, brother, girlfriends, OM, really aren't pro marriage or pro family. They are all about her being happy. I use to be a big influence but have stepped back and she hasn't asked.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Well at least for the moment it sounds like you guys have positive pro marriage supporters. My WW didn't have anyone pro marriage to talk to, or should I say she chose not to talk to anyone really pro marriage, and her biggest supporters imcluding mother, step father, father, brother, girlfriends, OM, really aren't pro marriage or pro family. They are all about her being happy. I use to be a big influence but have stepped back and she hasn't asked.
everyone involved comes from a complete family and from what I have heard from the other wife, everyone on his side, her side, my side and my wife's side are appalled at this and are working to stop it.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well. Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Just a bit of "tech" advice. Most browsers have an "incognito" mode that doesn't save anything to your history so you don't have to clear things out. Since W and I have different devices and she can't access mine I don't worry about it. Icognito mode can be a bit of a pain because it doesn't save passwords etc but that can be a good thing. I also went and changed all my passwords for Google, Dropbox and the lock screen on my phone and tablet. I don't "think" that W would try to hack into me but you never know when things might take a nasty turn. I also have an old cell phone set up as a security camera on my home office desk where all the backups are stored. Officially it's watching the rose on my desk.
This sort of thing is double-edged though - it was one of the things I noticed when I started to dig into why W wanted to leave was that her passwords had changed which was very suspicious. Fortunately (?) I got around that and that was how I discovered the OM and ended up here.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Don't send the email to her work regarding the affair. It is best for you to focus on being the best 198127 that only a fool would leave.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Sorry you find yourself here. Please get a copy of the book, it will really help.
You'll see from other posts that most WS follow the same script. My h also was under a lot of stress, still no excuse. And was also singing my praises until a few months back. Are you on good terms with your in laws? My MIL has been such valuable support to me.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
So sorry to hear what's going on, I thought I was dealing with a WAW (no Affair) for the last month, 1230 this morning I confirmed that to be false.... It's one hell of a ride. The good thing is the last month I've been GAL and getting in shape, and disengaging so I was able to handle it a lot better.
I got a lot of great advice from some of the top vets on the site, you may want to read the last two or three pages of my thread, it may help to gain insight into disengaging and backing off.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Yes. Her mother in law flew in the next morning and she spent the night in the hotel with her mother in law and tonight they are both at our house. MIL said she thinks "we talked her off the ledge" I have also been in contact with other wife and she finally saw the OM tonight (both had been traveling) and got him to say he was acting a bit crazy and to try and not see my wife for the next week. His parents and her parents are coming into town this weekend to talk to him. They are such a close family that his parents are staying at her parent's house. Small steps.
The work affair is so commonplace now so hard to break. My WW is with her boss now. I decided not to expose her and nate as focus on myself. Read as much as you can here to gain from the experiences of others. Good luck. You are in our prayers.
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
Heard from the other wife last night. she is kicking him out of the house. He is staying with friends this week but then getting her own place. She is preparing for divorce but may be willing to take him back.
Craziness! My advice is to read as much as you can about validation, detachment. If you want her back you will have to do your best to suppress your anger. Order DB books asap. Good luck.
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
Just saw a picture of her at the wedding we were supposed to go to this weekend (where the bride and her bf now know about her affair bc i told them). Shes giggling and not wearing her ring. dagger.
Just saw a picture of her at the wedding we were supposed to go to this weekend (where the bride and her bf now know about her affair bc i told them). Shes giggling and not wearing her ring. dagger.
Crap like that is so petty and immature. My W did the same thing. Takes off ring, changes facebook relationship status.
It just shows they aren't thinking clearly.
Goodluck with everything, my best piece of advice is to read all the "Rules" on this site. I wish I had before I made some of the mistakes I did as soon as I found out about the affair.
Me-33 W-29 D- 2 M- 8 months, T- 3.5 years BD Feb 15 2015 S 4/12/16 W says she plans to file for d
I actually don't think it's immature Fin. I took off my ring, deleted my WW from FB. It's all symbols, and you need to show her that you can do the same. That what they're doing means nothing to you. They mean nothing to you. Well not that harsh, but I hope you get the drift.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I'm seeing her tomorrow morning for the first time since I found out on Tuesday. We are taking a plane home together. I seperated our seats. Then we are driving to our house, she is packing her stuff and moving out for at least the next week (to live with a gf, supposedly). How do I act towards her if my ultimate goal is to a)break them up b) reconciliation?
You're losing focus of your ultimate goal. She is not. If someone told you right now, if you could renew your vows with this mutant, would you? So focus on fixing yourself and see what she does, from a distance.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
DDJ, tat on me. Her name. No I wouldn't renew with her.. I wouldn't even ML if she offered, that's been since Dec. I'm letting that alien wonder, and I'm staying away from her drama. I haven't initiated anything in weeks. We haven't spoken since last Sunday at church in person.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Let's look at what we know. There have been three people, rather close, lost in death, simutaneously. She has admitted to an A with OM at work. Did the A begin before of after these deaths? She had announced she wants a D. You have notified certain people about this A, in hopes they can influence her to stay in the M. Your W plans to stay with a GF for at least a week.
Quote:
How do I act towards her if my ultimate goal is to a)break them up b) reconciliation?
Well, you have already exposed the A to some people, and it doesn't appear to have slowed it down. OM's W has kicked him out, and your W is leaving the house. What's left? Tell her co-workers, or notify HR and see if you can get OM fired, or get your buddies to go with you to beat up the OM, try to poison her against OM?
The mind of a WW seems very complicated to LBH's. The more her H attacks the OM, the more she likely will defend the OM and direct more hatred toward her H. And, the more the H pursues the WW, the more unattractive he is to her.
At this point, I am not sure if your W is reacting to recent things in her life, or if it is an excuse. Either way, I think she has to feel she is free to make her own choices. Sure, you can put pressure on her, but will that cause her to fall into your arms? You may be able to run the OM out of town. That's not a guarantee she will want to stay with you.
Know what your core values are, and don't compromise them. Show inner strength and confidence as a man. Stand firm in your beliefs and morals.
How to act when riding back from the airport? Be confident in who you are. You may not know who she is anymore, but you know who and what you are! Do not initiate a relationship talk. Do not try to flirt with her or chase her. Certainly no pleading or trying to reason with her. A WW is not logical.
Don't search for something to talk about. Be calm, relaxed, and in control of yourself. Don't act mad (although you have ever right to be angry) and don't act as if you are sullied and cold. If she starts talking about her plans, or the M, just listen and don't feel like you need to defend yourself or argue with her. Even if she drops a hint that she isn't sure what she wants (be careful, that's a trap) or seems hesitant about anything........do not jump in and try to persuade her. Be Mr. Cool, not Mr. Kool-aid.
The more pressure she feels from you, the more she'll want to get away from you. Do you want her back for any other reason except that she loves you and wants to be a wife to you?
You may, or may not, see a lot of game playing from her. Don't believe what she says. Don't fall for her little tricks.
When interacting with her, for now, use your best poker face. She needs to wonder what you are thinking, doing, feelings, etc. Don't talk about how you plan to improve yourself. Don't make promises.
These actions may not be at all what you feel like doing. DBing is counterintuitive. DBing is fighting for your M, it is just a different way. You will want quick fixes and fast results. It doesn't work that way.
If you can tell us any more about the marital history, it may help us.
I think there is a very good chance of reconciliation. It is going to take more time than you think. I hope you stick with us and post often.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Marital History: We have been married for 4 years. No hint of anything deeply wrong. we have had fights in the past about me not respecting her emotions. As recently as December, she was publicly telling people how I am the best husband ever, so supportive, how she could not get through this hellacious year on the job without me.
Their interactions started right before the deaths (They were working on a project together) but she says it did not turn physical until after the second or third death. She doesn't remember exactly when.
I am on the plane now. We saw each other. Cordially discussed our weekends, how the wedding was, how great my friends are. I made her laugh for a second. She touched my leg within first 30 seconds of convo (she basically hasn't touched me in a month). All very odd. She also asked me where I went for weekend even though she knew where I went bc she asked her gf to look at my social media profile for a platform she doesnt have. Apparently she refused to talk to her bestfriend about this the whole weekend even though her friend knows and she knows that her friend knows. Friend reports she was very sad during the wedding ceremony.
Her mom sent us an email about couples counselors. I asked her what she thought of it. She said, what do you think of it. And I said, I think it could be really helpful, seems like it at the least it might make our interactions and discussions less awkward than the present one, but that it kind of is on her if she wants to do it. She said she would think about it (which in my mind is a backtrack to what she had told her mom).
The other side of this is that since last week, she has told me and her mom she is going to come home tonight, pack, and stay with a close gf. Today, I asked her which friend she is staying with tonight and she said she didn't know. I asked her, don't you need to tell them if you are going to show up at their house at 11PM? She said she got a hotel room for the night but is going to go there for the rest of the week. I have serious doubts that she actually got a hotel room and is not just staying with OM, despite promising her family she was not going to stay with him and was going to be only professional towards this guy for the next two months because she doesnt want to risk her job.
2 more hours on flight. then another awkward interaction I am sure as we go get our dog (who she loves but I will make sure she never sees again if we get a divorce), she packs, and goes off to who knows where for the night....
Stay strong 198127! She's gone but you're still alone. Feel the pain and don't hold back. My WW was praising me on valentines day as the best H ever, to everyone. Then 12 days later i got my first BD. Its probably just the start of cake-eating...
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
198, I'm sorry to hear about what's going on, I see a lot on these threads that the fog blocks everyone out from the WS, even close family members... Try and believe that she needs time alone to process everything going on and that part of it is trying to figure out what friend she wants to lean on, it will be easier for you... I know that every time I misterously leave the house I'm not out meeting up with someone, often just going to spend time alone to contemplate (and read up on all the materials)...
We are here for you if you need someone to talk to, don't be afraid to put your emotions out here, helps me to get it out..
Praying for you.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Yes.. Spend time venting here, not to S. She has her own stuff to deal with and she doesn't care about you. The more you lean on her, the more you look weak! Work on you, try to block her, her actions and her reasons out of your mind. I almost went crazy thinking about that stuff! The reality is she may leave and be gone forever. You can only work on you, think about you, and fix you.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
I'm sorry you are here. I want you to pay very close attention to what I'm about to tell you. Read it and then read it again. There is NOTHING you can do to snap her out of this. NOTHING. She has to be willing to come out of the fog on her own. There is nothing your family or her family can do. Essentially, they will only be guilting her out of the A and back into your M. That will NOT work in the long run. You do not want your W back because she was guilted into it. You can't reason with her. No one can. The only way she can come back and make it work is if she is truly remorseful and is willing to do whatever it takes to right her wrongs. I can guarantee you that they have had sex. Dont fool yourself. He's been kicked out and she's leaving the house too? They are their only support system right now. They will continue to see each other. Read the book. Then, detach, 180 and GAL. You need to deploy the LRT. You need to go dark. Stop pursuing her. You need to emotionally divorce her. Dump her and begin figuring out how you move on with your life without her. This is all counterintuitive but THIS is how you save your M. Make changes in your life to my YOU a better person. See just how awesome you can be without her. This will do wonderful things for you emotionally. The side effect is that she will also see these things. She will see what she is missing out on. She will see that she is a fool to have done what she has did. I am now just over 4 months since BD and my WW and I have begun to piece our M back together. But this has happened for me at light speed. Things don't normally happen this quickly. I'm frankly a little concerned that it turned around so quickly. Believe none of what she says and only half of what she does until proven otherwise. Read ALL of Sandi's threads on the LBS. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I have the book ordered. Should be here in a day or two.
What does LRT mean. What does BD mean.
I'm 95% sure they are having sex. Will eventually need to know the details if we are trying to recover, but otherwise, I'd rather not know if we are finished.
LRT is Last Resort Technique. You'll read about it in the book. I decided to deploy that before I found out about my WW's A. Glad I did. I think once you have an A confirmed, you need to go straight to that. BD is Bomb Drop or the day you found out about the A.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Is there any point to following up with her about MC? When my MIL flew in last week, she agreed to it with my MIL, but when I asked her about it yesterday (First time we had really talked about anything since the BD) she said, she would think about it.
I think my MIL's hope is that once she gets into counseling, it will be another person telling her she needs to absolutely cut off the A (if she hasn't already), and someone that will also be meeting her on the side to discuss her individual issues. I am very hesitant to enter into counseling w/o her stating the affair is over etc but not sure I see another way forward.
You can bring it up, but do it fleetingly perhaps. Mine is still not talking about MC. So i'm not going to bring it up until i see full commitment to the MR. I have nothing to gain by bringing it up now. Still see too much selfishness. Even her sexual gratification can be considered selfishness...
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I would drop the MC for now. She is not at a place where it will do any good. I wouldn't even go with her at this point even if she agreed. There is a lot of stuff that she needs to do before MC will become useful. And honestly, you do to. You need to be working on detaching, 180's and GAL. There needs to be a cooling off period. You need to process your feelings (on your own). Severe damage has been done to your MR and it can't be fixed by MC right now. In order to fix your M, it is going to take time and patience. You've got a process to follow and it is a process that I believe works. Follow it.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Let's look at what we know. There have been three people, rather close, lost in death, simutaneously. She has admitted to an A with OM at work. Did the A begin before of after these deaths? She had announced she wants a D. You have notified certain people about this A, in hopes they can influence her to stay in the M. Your W plans to stay with a GF for at least a week.
Quote:
How do I act towards her if my ultimate goal is to a)break them up b) reconciliation?
Well, you have already exposed the A to some people, and it doesn't appear to have slowed it down. OM's W has kicked him out, and your W is leaving the house. What's left? Tell her co-workers, or notify HR and see if you can get OM fired, or get your buddies to go with you to beat up the OM, try to poison her against OM?
The mind of a WW seems very complicated to LBH's. The more her H attacks the OM, the more she likely will defend the OM and direct more hatred toward her H. And, the more the H pursues the WW, the more unattractive he is to her.
At this point, I am not sure if your W is reacting to recent things in her life, or if it is an excuse. Either way, I think she has to feel she is free to make her own choices. Sure, you can put pressure on her, but will that cause her to fall into your arms? You may be able to run the OM out of town. That's not a guarantee she will want to stay with you.
Know what your core values are, and don't compromise them. Show inner strength and confidence as a man. Stand firm in your beliefs and morals.
How to act when riding back from the airport? Be confident in who you are. You may not know who she is anymore, but you know who and what you are! Do not initiate a relationship talk. Do not try to flirt with her or chase her. Certainly no pleading or trying to reason with her. A WW is not logical.
Don't search for something to talk about. Be calm, relaxed, and in control of yourself. Don't act mad (although you have ever right to be angry) and don't act as if you are sullied and cold. If she starts talking about her plans, or the M, just listen and don't feel like you need to defend yourself or argue with her. Even if she drops a hint that she isn't sure what she wants (be careful, that's a trap) or seems hesitant about anything........do not jump in and try to persuade her. Be Mr. Cool, not Mr. Kool-aid.
The more pressure she feels from you, the more she'll want to get away from you. Do you want her back for any other reason except that she loves you and wants to be a wife to you?
You may, or may not, see a lot of game playing from her. Don't believe what she says. Don't fall for her little tricks.
When interacting with her, for now, use your best poker face. She needs to wonder what you are thinking, doing, feelings, etc. Don't talk about how you plan to improve yourself. Don't make promises.
These actions may not be at all what you feel like doing. DBing is counterintuitive. DBing is fighting for your M, it is just a different way. You will want quick fixes and fast results. It doesn't work that way.
If you can tell us any more about the marital history, it may help us.
I think there is a very good chance of reconciliation. It is going to take more time than you think. I hope you stick with us and post often.
Sandi, I appreciate your vote of confidence. I have read as much as I can of your stuff on here and would appreciate any more suggestions you might have.
Those aren't things you can control. You can't break them up and you can't make her want to be committed to your M. You can go to the gym, wear nice clothes, maybe draw her back, no guarantees. Do it for you, if she comes back it's a bonus. Be a better you.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Those aren't things you can control. You can't break them up and you can't make her want to be committed to your M. You can go to the gym, wear nice clothes, maybe draw her back, no guarantees. Do it for you, if she comes back it's a bonus. Be a better you.
Well more goals then. Meet new people, go to church, take a class, read a book, learn to cook somethings, go fishing, go shooting, go to IC, take a communication class, take a swim class, go to library and get some learn how books teach yourself something new, take a paint and wine class... Plan a big event for yourself a trip or something.. Reconnect with some old friends.. Volunteer at a soup kitchen..
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
That isn't to say that I don't hate the way you're feeling right now. No matter what you did in your R, you don't deserve to be feeling this way and my heart goes out to you.
She will find a way. Mine lives with me. But still checks my instagram when i'm out GALing. I then blocked her without telling her. 30 Minutes later and I get a call as to why she's blocked.
Still, don't do anything FOR her to notice. You need to distance yourself, to detach and move forward with your life. She is toxic and no good for you, or anyone right now.
And i'm speaking to myself too.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
How will she know/notice etc? She's out gallivanting. She's moved out (at least for the week).
Should I be posting all my happiness on Facebook? Or just stay completely dark
She's staying in a motel with OM. Why do you think she cares about what you're doing now? She isn't going to care until she's ready to. You can't force her to want to rebuild. All you can do is prepare yourself as the best version of 198127 that you can be so that in the case that you get a second chance, you'll be ready.
So post as you would. Live your life as you want to. What improvements can/should/will you make?
Go back and read my first post to you. You are not detached. You need to find a way to get there. Go dark and take your focus off of her and put it on you. If you want to post on FB, do it because its what YOU want to do, NOT because you think it will sway her one way or the other. NOTHING you do right now will have any impact on her decision making. She has got to decided on her own that she is going to do the right thing. You can't control her. And her family won't help you either. I know how badly you want to break her of this but letting go of her is the best thing you can do to save your M. Dump her and start moving on with your life. THAT is how you save your M.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
So, what usually makes them care? When does the fog lift? What happens in a WW to make them in that spot again? If ever?
A's almost never last. Once they realize the grass isn't greener on the other side and that the OM is not the person they thought they were, the A will die. The WW almost never chooses someone that is "better." I mean, this guy left his W and kids. Is that the kind of person she really wants to be with? Probably not. Its all a fantasy and eventually that fantasy world will come crashing down around her. She's also got to experience some sort of loss. Typically, that loss is realizing that she has lost you and her family. You've got to start living your life so that she will she what she has lost. In order to do that, you have to move on. Dump her. Emotionally divorce her in your mind. But you must be genuine in this. If you aren't, if she thinks you are only doing it to win her back, she will smell it a mile away. You deserve better than this. Once you own that reality and start living your life in a way where you truly believe that, she will begin to see what she has lost.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I'm very sorry you are here. There are a few things I would like you to think about:
1) There is nothing you can do right now to end the affair or get your wife back.
How does that feel? Crappy right? Used to fixing things? Used to finding a way? Familiar with the feeling that if you work hard enough, anything is possible? None of that applies now, there is nothing you can do. You need to surrender to that, grieve it and find peace with it. Fighting against it sets you up as their adversary, pushes them together and you away. If you continue to actively try to disrupt the affair and get your wife back, you will only dig your hole deeper and deeper, and that will be a debt that will take you a long time to recover from.
2) Your W said that she would be willing to go to counseling if the counselor would "hear both sides" -- what is her side?
It's very possible that you've done nothing wrong at all. Even if you weren't the best husband in the world you don't deserve this. That said, cheating is often an expression of anger. It can be useful to understand why she was angry -- but be careful: do not use that as an excuse to blame yourself. You are NOT guilty of creating this situation in any way.
3) You are panicking right now trying to do something, anything, to regain control over your life.
Recognize that you are in a state of panic -- there is no shame in that. You've been traumatized. When you are panicking, you will act without thinking things all the way through. You don't want to do that, so embrace that you are panicking and wait for it to pass before taking additional actions.
Here's some advice: The *very best* thing you can do right now is to go the other direction. Go dark and do NOT pursue her.
Why? Because right now she wants to get away. Picture that you standing on the goal line right now. There is a foam block between the two of you. When you move toward her, it pushes her an equal distance away. Every yard that you move away from the goal line does damage that is very hard to recover from.
If instead you walk the other way, there is no pressure on the foam block and it falls on the ground. Now your wife can move back toward the goal line without having to "get away" from you, because you've gone the other way.
This is exactly the dynamic you want to create -- create a void between you. Go and do YOUR thing. Be the best man you can be and do not pay any attention to her or what she's doing.
Some people will say "but I want to fight for my marriage!"
Let me fill you in on a secret: pursuing her is the easy thing to do. It's what you WANT to do, so to give in to that is easy.
To go the other direction takes discipline, it's difficult. If you really want to fight for your marriage, that's the work you need to do. Give her space and go the other way.
Right now she resents you.
She doesn't resent you because you've done anything wrong necessarily, she can simply resent you because she feels guilty because of your presence, that guilt diminishes her joy, and that is YOUR FAULT in her mind. It's backwards thinking but is also the reality.
Everything you do right now needs to be measured against the yardstick of resentment. Will my actions make her resent me more or less?
Exposing her affair and involving her family unfortunately will increase resentment as you've seen.
Guilting, shaming, blaming, etc will increase her resentment.
Begging, pleading, crying and being mopey around her will make her feel guilty and she will resent you for that.
The only thing you can do right now to stabilize the situation is to go the other way and give her space.
If you go the other way, she won't resent you, she'll wonder what the hell is happening and what you know that she doesn't. That's what you want.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Eventually she is coming over our house to get more stuff or to stay there. Do I take all our pictures down before then?
There are also a bunch of [censored] that she purchased in the last few months. Do I return them all (I want to). I think she plans on returning 50% of it, but I dont want it all sitting on my credit card. I don't want to be vindictive but its taking up a room with boxes and such.
I wouldn't take down the photos; at least not yet. That might come across as petty. But if you've got a bunch of stuff sitting around the house that you don't want/need and can get a refund on, I would send it back if that's what you want to do. Just start moving on with your life. You don't have to be ugly about it but you need to emotionally dump her and figure out how to start living a life without her in it. Let her see that you don't need her in your life and that in fact, you are better off without her. Be awesome in everything that you do.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Eventually she is coming over our house to get more stuff or to stay there. Do I take all our pictures down before then?
No, that's thrashing and can come across as passive aggressive.
In my "perfect world scenario" for you, I would say "W, I really enjoyed being married to you, I think we had something good. I understand that you're involved with someone else now. I'm sure you have your reasons for that, but I feel disrespected. I'd like you to go live your life as you'd like and I will live mine. If you end your affair and you want to talk about what comes next, let me know. Maybe we'll have a path forward and maybe we won't. Either way, I wish you the best. I will be happy to pack your things for you, or you can do it, just let me know when you'd like to collect them."
Deliver that without anger or sadness, but with compassion and sincerity. How can she resent you for that? You're wishing her well in whatever she chooses to do.
You do not want to live in the shadow of an affair. Even if you have the discipline of a Navy Seal, that's going to tear you apart. For your own mental health, either she needs to move out or you should.
That's my perfect world scenario -- in my opinion that gives you the very best chance of reconciling down the line.
People value what they have to work for and do not value that which comes cheaply. If you re-engage, you need to do so as equals, where she sees as much value in you as you see in her.
If you're chasing her and letting her know that you're available any time she wants, it will be hard for her to value that. As painful as it is to create this situation, she needs to feel that she will have to work to get you back. Only then are you "worthy of having" in her view. Does that make sense?
It requires the playing field to be reset, and that's another reason you have to go the other direction.
Originally Posted By: 198127
There are also a bunch of [censored] that she purchased in the last few months. Do I return them all (I want to). I think she plans on returning 50% of it, but I dont want it all sitting on my credit card. I don't want to be vindictive but its taking up a room with boxes and such.
Remember the resentment yardstick. If you return things she's bought without discussing it with her, she will likely resent that. Don't do anything about it, just let it sit there or put it with the rest of her stuff.
If she puts any new charges on your credit card, contact her and tell her that given the current situation, you think it's best that she get her own credit card, cancel your joint one and get your own.
The really hard thing about DB is nuance -- doing these things has much more to do with HOW you say it than what you say. You want your attitude to convey compassion but at the same time detachment. Imagine you had a coworker who lost his aunt -- you'd be compassionate for his loss, but it certainly wouldn't turn YOUR world upside down. The credit card discussion would need to be very "matter of fact" and absent of emotional load. You don't want it to come across as a punishment, more like "well, we're in this situation now, here's how it has to work"
I know that this situation is INCREDIBLY HARD. The first few weeks is in many ways the "make or break" period and at the same time you're the most rocked and the least able to deal with it the way you need to.
Please heed everyone's advice and realize that this scenario will not be quickly resolved. This will not take days or weeks, this will take months or years. There is no fast track, there is no "secret equation" that if you just figure it out it will be all better.
The best advice I got was from a therapist who told me that "You have to accept the fact that you don't have an option that doesn't suck. All your options are $hit. You just have to pick the one that works best for you, but stop looking for a good one."
There is a certain freedom that comes through acceptance. There is nothing you can actively do right now. There is nothing you can actively do right now. There is nothing you can actively do right now. Repeat that over and over. Give yourself room to grieve and be okay with that.
Get yourself a therapist, and definitely use the telephone coaching available on this site. Those people are experts at exactly the situation you are in -- their advice will be invaluable to you.
You can do this. You don't want to, but you can.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
She scampered home in the middle of the day for work and packed up all the boxes of clothes that she had ordered. She called me after she left and said she had done it and didn't want to leave it for me to do (just means she is keeping more of them than she should). Then she called me back to ask where I was going next weekend (originally we had planned to go see her family out of town) but she saw I booked a dog sitter and a) wanted to know where I was going b) make sure I wasnt planning on coming with her.
She also just ordered a bunch of playoff gear for her favorite team on our credit card. She had ordered stuff for both of us the day before BD. I returned it all yesterday. She must have seen it was missing and ordered some more (and maybe gotten him something too?).
I'd like to, but it also keeps me knowing what she is doing and how she is spending money.
But it also means that you are not detaching and focusing on you. You need to find a way to get to a place where you don't care what she does. Do you care what your neighbor does or what they spend money on? Of course not and your W is not treating you near as nice as most neighbors would. If you want to save your M, detaching and beginning to move on with your life is the first step. I know it doesnt make sense but that is the process. I've lived through it and see that it works.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Agree with LiM -- don't monitor her spending, her calling habits, or her whereabouts. To do so is the equivalent of punching yourself in the face.
When you snoop/monitor, your brain will fill in the worst possible interpretation of what you find, and you will be tortured by it. For instance, you've done that already. When you saw that she ordered more sports stuff, your brain filled in that she ordered some for OM on your credit card.
Maybe she did that, more likely she did not, but either way so what? What good does knowing that do you? What can you do with that information other than torture yourself?
I've written you quite a bit today, what do you think about it? Do you agree with what I'm saying or do you think I'm full of cr@p?
Most people arrive here tortured, get some advice from multiple people, ignore it and continue to make the same mistakes everyone else has made before them, make their situation worse and worse, and eventually figure it out after a ton of damage has been done.
Do you want to sidestep all that?
Do you think I'm wrong?
Challenge me if you disagree and let's discuss it. My goal is to help you.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
She emailed me in the middle of the night saying I am ignoring everything she says but she wants to see if I want to talk at some point to see where I am.
She emailed me in the middle of the night saying I am ignoring everything she says but she wants to see if I want to talk at some point to see where I am.
She's mad because she sees that you are starting to detach and she is taking that as ignoring her. She wants to see where YOU are at? She's temp checking. When she sees/talks to you, she needs to see that you are detached and moving on with your life without her. Let her see what she is missing out on. She's got to realize a pretty significant loss in her life if she is to begin coming out of the fog.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
What is there to talk about? She's having an A. She either stops, expresses remorse and starts working to repair the damage she's done or there is nothing to talk about. She seems to be curious about what is going on in your mind and frankly its none of her business. You need to show her that you are moving on and that you are not interested in talking about anything until she ends her waywardness. Words are meaningless at this point. Action is what matters; for both of you. You need to be making significant changes in your life regardless of what she is doing. So start doing those things; not to win her back but because that's what you know you need to do to be a better person. She will see those things and see that they are genuine. Until she is ready to do the same work, there is nothing to talk about.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Agree with LiM -- there is really nothing to talk about.
I know you *want* to talk to her with every fiber of your being because you desperately want information about what she's thinking.
Here's what happens in these situations:
Your wife is scared. She feels like she's stepping off a cliff by leaving the house and pursuing a relationship with this affair partner. In the early stages of an affair the guy can do no wrong and is "perfect" but eventually reality sets in and she will start to see things she doesn't like, that that will increase her anxiety and make her worry even more.
If she can temperature check you and get assurance that you are still hers for the taking, then you are her insurance policy on the shelf, and she can continue to do whatever she wants and feel like she has a soft landing back with you if things don't work out.
It's the best possible scenario for her right? Do whatever she wants, and if it doesn't work, just come back home and be accepted with open arms. Who wouldn't want to set that up for themselves?
I'm not saying she's doing that as a diabolical plan, she's I'm sure not even aware she's doing it, she's just reacting out of fear.
The minute she gets assurance from you that you would take her back, you'll go right to the bottom of her priority stack and she'll stop thinking about you at all.
*You should NOT tell her what you're thinking or how you're feeling*. She NEEDS TO WONDER what's going on with you. It's the best thing you can do right now. Keep your cards close to the vest. Don't tell her where you're going for the weekend, don't tell her who you're with, don't tell her how you're feeling or what you're thinking, tell her nothing.
Share the same level of information with her that you would with a co-worker you don't know that well. You wouldn't be rude, but you wouldn't be very forthcoming either.
If she gets uncomfortable, lashes out, gets angry, breaks down, whatever, just let her do it. It's not your job to fix that for her right now. You will feel the need to reassure her as that's been your learned role in this relationship. The *hard part* is to step back from that and let her fall or tantrum without stepping in.
Do NOT have any relationship talks at all. Your repeated response should be "You're in a relationship with someone else, I consider that disrespectful to our marriage. If you want to talk down the line we can see where we both are, but I won't discuss my thoughts and feelings with you when you are involved with someone else"
The best thing you can do for your situation right now is dig deep and be tough.
Doing this successfully will go against every instinct and intuition you have. That's what makes it really, really hard.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I agree with Drew. You've got to realize that right now, she's not your friend and she's not even really your wife anymore. She's someone completely different that has disrespected you in the worst way possible. Why would you even consider giving her the time of day unless she PROVES that she has changed her ways? And I can guarantee you that right now, she hasn't. She's checking into to see that you are still available as her fall back and that's not what you want. If/when she is remorseful, you will know it beyond the shadow of a doubt. Until then, detach and work on YOU.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Agreed -- I would not offer counseling at this point. It's too late for that. Counseling will encourage you to share what you're feeling and right now you don't want to do that with her.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
So, what usually makes them care? When does the fog lift? What happens in a WW to make them in that spot again? If ever?
When they see that the LBH is not willing to hang around and be her backup plan. When reality slaps her in the face. When she experiences some type of loss, due to her waywardness. When her fantasy crumbles.
As long as you try to control what she does, or try to convince her by talking with her.....she will resist you and stubbornly press on in her waywardness. However, she will watch to see what you do. She isn't interested in being with you, but she's not ready to see you moving forward and being happy without her. She needs you available for her, in case things do not pan out with OM (which her plan A, as of now). She feels pretty certain you will be terribly lost without her. However, she wants freedom to do whatever with whomever. If you press her, chase after her, put emotional pressure on her, try to get her into counseling for somone to fix her.......she will move further away from you. When you let go and stop trying to "fix" her mess, and allow her to endure consequences that come from her decisions.........she will draw closer.
She really has to see herself losing you. Losing your interest in her. Losing your attentiveness. Losing your desire for her. Losing your friendship. Losing the special moments. Everything she gave up to be with this OM........she has to feel and see it.
Of course, that doesn't mean you really feel all those things about her, but she needs to think you do. Not by you telling her, but by what she sees in you. When a man really detaches emotionally, the W senses it. Until then, fake it till you make it. Don't be mean, hateful or cold. Just turn lose of that tight grip, and turn your attention on you, instead of her. Get busy doing things you have not done in a long time, and stop trying to keep up with her every move.
It really is you fighting for your M, but it is a different style of fight than you probably had in mind. We can't get it all said in just a few posts. It takes time for us, and time for you to process it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You now have four people telling you exactly the same thing -- please object and discuss it here if you don't agree. This is so hard for most people to do because your instinct is to chase and monitor.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
She just emailed me and said that now that we have both had some time to reflect, would I be willing to meet with her to discuss us going to counseling.
She just emailed me and said that now that we have both had some time to reflect, would I be willing to meet with her to discuss us going to counseling.
including giving a specific day and time to come to our house to discuss.
I suppose you could meet and talk to her but I would still hesitate on counseling right now. It's highly unlikely that she has completely come to grips with the reality of what she's done. Until she has hit rock bottom and knows in her heart that she has "lost" you because of this, then she won't find true remorse within herself. If you let her back too easily/quickly, then you will in effect be sweeping this under the rug and the chances of it happening again are VERY high because really, what did it cost her? Nothing. She knows she can go out and do whatever she wants and there will be no repercussions because you will simply take her right back. Dont be a door mat. Make her work to earn her place back in the M. You have to ask yourself, why is she coming around so quickly? I guarantee you that she hasn't found remorse yet. So what happened. Can you find out if OM went back home? Did he dump her and now she's going back to plan B (You)? If he did dump her, that's great because now you have a chance to start repairing the M but you can't just allow her to come right back.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
As far as I know they are still seeing each other. OW kicked out OM and he is getting a place of his own. Talking with my therapist and another counselor, they said counseling can work if the affair is still on going initially, but will eventually fail (obviously) if it is not cut off by the 3 or 4th session or so.
My initial reaction was no counseling while it is ongoing, my only hesitation is what my therapist said, and the fact that this would involve individual counseling for her which hopefully will make her realize how rash and crazy this whole thing is. As of yet, she has not spoken with anyone about the affair and this guy except with him and her mom. Despite a swath of people knowing, she refuses to discuss it with them.
Mine has cut off all contact with any family member or friend, the only support she has created are those that would support her wayward ways. Sad really.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
198127, tell her you're glad she's interested in counseling -- ask her why she wants to do that? What is she trying to achieve?
Then listen to what she says, don't engage, don't argue, just take it in, then tell her you need some time to think about it.
Acc
hmmmmm so let her talk, dont ask questions about her reasons or anything, and then let her leave? Then I follow up agreeing to counseling in a few days?
I wouldn't follow up agreeing to counseling in a few days. The point is to make the initial conversation one-sided so that you can gather information and process it rather than engaging or starting any kind of argument.
Here's the point, if you say "Why do you want to go to counseling, what are you trying to achieve?"
She could say "I want you to find closure so we can part as friends" in which case there is no need to go to counseling.
She could say "I'm very sorry for what I did. I would like to apologize, make amends and find a way forward". In that case you may agree to counseling.
She could say "I don't like how we're getting along right now and I'd like that to be better" which is basically looking for a way to cake-eat in which case you should refuse counseling until OM is gone.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
We talked yesterday. What started as a 3 minute conversation went for over an hour. She is still very mad at the email I sent to family and friends. Kept saying she felt threatened by me because of how I acted the night I found out. Which is why she won't tell me where she is actually staying (with him at a relatives house).
We are going to counseling. I am not exactly sure what her motive is (maybe to keep me from blowing the lid on this at her office). She said we can't continue in this limbo so we have either go here or to d. I guess that's something. There were points yesterday where we were having a genuine discussion including on things that were weaknesses in our marriage. She cried a little bit. She also said "not everyone is perfect" when describing her actions recently---a bit of a an understatement if there ever was one. Also found out she is moving to her own place on a two month lease which corresponds with the end of her job.
I got a little more into talking about her and my thoughts on her than I wanted, but somehow I think a little bit of it may have gotten through. And hopefully the individual part of the counseling can get through to her, or make her think about her actions.
She still thinks that the only reason this would ever become more public is if someone (me) told everyone. I kept trying to tell her, the OW is telling people the truth, and I am not going to actively go out and tell people anymore, but I'm not lying to them either. That seems to be a huge concern for her because could impact her work going forward. So....in sum, who knows how it all went.
Yeah that's the problem with exposure as we've discussed -- it increases resentment. That's why most people here don't recommend it.
Did you ask her what her motive for counseling is?
Originally Posted By: 198127
She said we can't continue in this limbo so we have either go here or to d
So she made an ultimatum and threatened you. How do you feel about that?
Is that how you want things to work?
It sounds to me like her motive for counseling is to get you to stop discussing her affair with anyone else. She's afraid that she doesn't have the power to control you, so she's looking for a professional to intervene on her behalf.
If that's her motivation for counseling, why would you agree to that? What's in it for you?
I suggest not going to counseling. Either she wants to work on the relationship, or she doesn't. Based on the fact that she's getting her own place and still actively in touch with OM, she doesn't want to work on the relationship and therefore there is no need for counseling.
If she's afraid of what you'll say or do too bad, her actions have had consequences. Obviously it would be to your benefit to not make that situation worse, but you don't owe her anything.
I would say "W, I appreciate that you're worried about what I might say about your affair, and I understand that you're angry about what I've said already. I'm done talking about it. I don't see any point in going to counseling unless you want to work on our relationship, and in order to do that, you need to end your affair and go 'no contact' with OM. Until that happens, there is no point in going to counseling. If you want to proceed with divorce I guess that's what you have to do, but I'm not going to waste my time in counseling unless we are both committed to working on our relationship."
If you can't hold the line on this and decide you DO want to go to counseling with her anyway, here's the only way you should do it:
1) You pick the counselor 2) You meet with the counselor 1:1 in advance, explain the situation, explain what you want to get out of counseling and what your agenda is, and see if the counselor will work with you.
If they are not going to work with you or you don't get a good vibe, go back to step 1 and pick a new counselor. Do your screening before you mention any of them to W.
Once you find one you think is marriage friendly and will play by your rules, then go ahead if you want to -- but I really think it's a bad idea.
I would call her bluff. Why do you want to be married to someone who's having an affair?
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
