HI LiM, It's so good to see that someone around here is piecing! So many of the stories are so sad that it can get a bit depressing reading all the entries. I am keeping in mind what you said about your process being LIGHTENING speed at 4 months. You are an inspiration. I need to make a couple crucial decisions this week. Is it ok if I tell you the scenario to get your input? Thanks for showing the way...
My wife likes the person I am now. My kids like the guy I am now. But most importantly, I like who I am now.
Very good point Storm. If we don't like ourselves, how are we supposed to expect anyone else to like or love us. One thing I realized is that I didn't love myself. I didn't care about myself or my wellbeing. That's not ok. You've got to be proud of who you are as a person before anyone else can appreciate your good traits. If you don't like who you are, you MUST change that. You must change it for YOU. The side effect of that is that it will carry over into EVERY other relationship in your life.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Well, I can honestly say that I have eaten 100s of $hit sandwiches in the last year, and yah know what? They don't taste as bad as they used to. Who knew!?!
😂😂😂 Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
My question is, what if a person liked who he/she was? Sometimes the S has expectations way beyond what their other half can truly provide.
I thought I was confident and had my life together and on track to make a move to a new city with my family. That blew up in my face and now I am destined for a D from a WW.
Some of us are lucky enough to find this forum to help improve ourselves which I am very thankful for.
Agree there is always room for improvement. Recognizing the proper work life balance for the family. Balancing when you focus on kids and when you focus on your S. Looking back there are many other things that we all can critique to improve.
I am truly happy that you are heading in a positive direction! I hope in the future I read more sitches that start moving in the same direction as yours. I can only imagine how you have felt through this whole process. I am rooting for you that in the long run you reap the rewards for your actions!
I will continue to follow your posts and hope to learn from them whether my WW leaves me for good or returns at some point in time in the future.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
When I was describing my W's behavior to a friend, this female friend told me that my W was having an A. I wouldn't have that! I defended my W saying that I didn't know what she was doing but there was NO way she was doing that. Boy was I wrong. I feel like I can't trust my own intuition anymore. I'm sure that will come with time too.
Again, the irony of similarity.
I too, described how bitchy my wife was last year to a female friend. This friend admitted to me that she had an affair and she acted the same exact way, finding tiny faults with her H and magnifying them to justify her A, and did nothing but complain about him non stop. He could do no right, no matter what he did, because she was in such a fog. This was me. I couldn't do anything right. When I did, it was because my W and OM were having a bad time and she was focused back on the M. Then, when things were ok with them, she would revert back to bitch mode and yell at me over something that was fine last week. The good news is that my friend was busted by her H, in a similar fashion as me, and she ended it immediately and recovered her marriage. She said she would never, ever cheat again and would divorce first before that would happen again. She said the pain he went through tore her to pieces.
My female friend also went into GREAT detail about how she became obsessed with her OM and how she would risk losing her job to text him, yet wouldn't give her H the time of day. The things she told me were revealing - its amazing how someone can be so addicted to someone else that is truly not good for you.
And I also defended her, because my church going, God fearing wife would NEVER do something like this. A friend said it best, "cheaters come in all shapes and sizes. Yours just went to bible study".
I do have the new found confidence that its completely ended and she is 100% focused on making us work. I have a VAR and it recorded her saying several times that things were over - she was on the phone in the car talking to a close friend. This is where I disagree with the snooping rules. I strongly believe its necessary, especially early on, to absolutely positively make sure your spouse is 100% committed to repairing the marriage and out of the A fog. Once I heard those words, I felt so much better, this helped me focus on the two of use working through the M issues that caused the infidelity in the first place.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
Sometimes the S has expectations way beyond what their other half can truly provide.
Sure, that is certainly possible. It could be that two people just fall out of love and are no longer compatible. It may be that you are no longer or can never be what your S needs in a relationship. I don't think that is the case for a lot of us and I don't think that is the case in my sitch. My W fell in love with me for a reason. I stopped being that person and I stopped being that a very long time ago. Carefree? Playful? Engaging? Compassionate? Those are just some of the qualities that I put away in storage as I became a "responsible" adult. I am a very hard worker and have been able to accomplish some amazing things. I developed a life saving medical device and have 3 patents to my name. I've provided very well for my family in most areas. But emotionally, I was neglectful. Its not that I was unloving. Of course I love and care for my wife and daughters. But I didn't ensure that they were the priority in my life. I let my job and MY emotional needs trump everyone else. That's not ok. My W and kids deserve better and that's what I'm giving to them now.
What I've been through is Hell. I hesitate to say that any good or blessings can come from all of this. It has broke me to my core. But from that smoking wreckage is the opportunity to build a new life. A life that has its priorities in the right order; God > Family > Nothing else even really matters after that.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Wow, LiM, you appear to have become a wildly healthy human being! Every time i read one of your posts I just feel a sense of internal 'rightness' with everything you say. Was up late reading your thread. Almost up to present day. As a codependent in my behavior patterns, I have definitely started back on right track by putting God first, retrieving my power source from 'out there' to 'in here'. For some reason, guidance from ? I started with that a day after H left. Not kidding, listening to Marianne Williamson - A course in Miracles teacher, has saved me from many moments of confusion. Really feeling it is a time of rewiring my entire nervous system to create a new way of being. There is a lot of work to be done. I love what you wrote about the man your W fell in love with. I've been looking at that as well. It's not that that person ever went away, I think we let other stuff cover it up, like a cloudy sky, the blue is still there. Marianne talks about there only being love or fear. It's that we let the fear, what we think we need to do to be happy, to be loved, get in the way of the truth. I wrote my posts last night and would love your thoughts when you have time. Thank you for your sanity and inspiration.
