Still more detachment, (less) anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Well, I saw my therapist today, and it was good, but he was forcing me to think more than usual!

We talked about how likely it is that I will have trust issues in any relationships I form in the future. We also talked about my realization that I fear being alone for the rest of my life. It's not a given that will happen, obviously, but it's not guaranteed not to happen, either! There are no guarantees in this life.

He asked me what I might look for in a future relationship, and I immediately said that I want someone who actually values me for those things that I think of as my strengths (the kinds of things I listed a few days ago when I felt like I should learn to toot my horn a little more), rather than seeing them as flaws or feeling intimidated by them or me.

The bottom line is I need a person who values himself enough to not feel like he's competing with me for his identity. I don't ever want to hear someone tell me that they feel inferior to me again. It's awful to know that someone you love feels that way.

Anyway, other than that, it's been a pretty slow day around here. I got plenty of sleep, for once (thank you Benadryl), and the shaking is reasonable today. I did my mindfulness exercise once already and I need to work on my grief counseling homework. I already did the reading, but now I need to do some thinking about it and write down my thoughts.

I hope everyone has a good evening and remember: pencil smiles!!!

Oh - I looked up the secret half-smile, Vanilla. Interesting. I tried it today during my mindfulness practice and kept thinking "Mona Lisa."

[Phoebe]

SadHub, just thinking the words "pencil smiles" now makes me smile and chuckle. Thank you for that.

[SH_]

Hi Phoebe,

Sounds to have been a productive day with some healing and sound self reflection. It is good to hear the shaking is down a bit.

You deserve to have someone love you without feeling intimidated. As you continue your journey, keep the faith and hope alive that you will have that. I believe that you will be in a better place as you continue forward. Faith and hope will keep you moving in the right direction and as you do the work opportunity will present itself.

You may not know what that looks like now, but when it presents itself you will know. You are right, there are no guarantees , but "acting as if" will certainly give a better chance. And that hope is what can keep us going everyday.

Pencil smiles. I love that that makes you smile at just the thought.

[SH_]

Good morning Phoebe!

A drive by hug and a pencil smile for you to start your day off on a good note.
(((Phoebe)))

Happy Tuesday!!

[Phoebe]

Well, the day's going OK, but I had another night of laying awake for hours, even with Benadryl on board. eventually, I got up and took more!

I read on someone else's thread how she had outed the OW to various people and that the OW had moved away. I wish my H's OW would do the same. So, last night I was stewing on what I would write to OW if I were to ever do such a stupid thing, which I do NOT intend to do, mind you. Still, the imaginary project kept me up all night and then I woke up to it as well. What a frustrating waste of mental energy.

I am not doing so well on my GAL strategies lately. I wanted to stay in bed all day again this morning, but needing to care for the critters got me up and moving. I also spent time with my Mom working on a quilt project, so that was good. The shaking was pretty bad, and it was really quite amusing to try to cut fabric that way. When it's like that I feel like I don't even own my own body any more. What else can I do but laugh, right?

Has anyone here joined their local BAN (Beyond Affairs Network)? I did and the first get together is coming up soon. I hope that it won't be a nasty griping, angry kind of meeting. I'm not even sure why I'm going, except that I really need to meet more people and it's something to do. I have no idea what to expect.

Thanks for the drive by, and pencil smile reminder, SadHub! It got me smiling already.

[BluWave]

Hello guys!

I hope you have a good day! Phoebe, I wish I could visit your property and animals--it sounds amazing! So bask in that glory whenever you can.

So I have never been a violent person, but I used to fantasize about attacking OW, dragging her to the ground by her hair, and then kicking her in the face. I imagined her glasses would do further damage. Then I would shave her head, because her hair is her ONLY attractive feature. Does that make me crazy? Probably, but oh well. I felt temporarily insane. She did get a few nasty texts, but that was all, so in my mind she got off easy.

Over a year later, I realize now that she is the crazy one! Actions speak louder than words. She ruined her marriage, her family, lost her friends, her self-respect (if she had any), and now has just moved on to her next AP. I had the pleasure of walking by her last weekend and I didn't feel that rage anymore. I actually pitied her for a moment. What a miserable existence! Life will always sort these things out over time, won't they?

So, let your mind go where it needs to go, feel what you need to feel, and then come on back to earth. We welcome your kind here.

-Blu

[doodler]

Bluwave,

If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I want you on my team.

[Phoebe]

Thank you, Blu!

Sometimes I pity OW, too, because she has no idea how much H has lied to her. I've never thought of harming her, physically, though. He told her we were separated when they met. Not. We were very much still together at that point.

And even now I don't define "being separated" as the situation that results from abandoning your wife of >20 years by literally running away from home. I'm not sure what I'd call that, but I certainly wouldn't call it "ethically free to sleep with other people," particularly after he assured me there would not be any relationships with other people while we were working through our issues.

Yup. My H is an incredible liar and I honestly had no idea. Shame on me.

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, I can recall chopping carrots and fantasising they were OW's fingers. Actually, my feelings towards her feel much less intense now - even though she is still with H (far as I know.) In my sitch, there's a lot of distance and that helps. I would hate to have to actually see H/Her/them though.

I would say absolutely go to the Beyond Affairs Network. Soon after BD, I went to an infidelity support group, which was helpful. More recently I also went to a divorce care group, which was great and I keep in touch with the guys from that.

Sounds like you are moving steadily forward and that's the main thing. I can remember having the shakes for a while, and I can't remember them leaving me, but they obviously did at some point. Best to accept them for now and also accept they are a temporary thing.

Take care my friend xx

[Phoebe]

Hi Sotto! Thanks for checking in on me. I laughed at your carrot story.

The next DivorceCare group that's within a reasonable radius doesn't start until June, but I'm planning on going. I definitely need to get out and about a whole lot more. I'm kind of looking forward to the BAN meeting, if for no other reason than to have something to fill the evening! Hopefully it will be worthwhile, but it only meets once per month. I wish I could find something more frequent.

The shaking is getting really old. It's been every single day since late December, some days better, some days worse. Today is kind of worse. Probably all that useless fantasy letter writing from last night.

Take care of yourself, too, Sotto. I'm glad that you've got the distance you need from your H, and that you're in the post-shaking phase of your journey.