Wife files D after I confronted her 2nd EA (4)

[SH_]

I feel your pain CWOL.

As I read your last post, it is as if I was writing it myself. Very hard to comprehend how it changed on a dime.
Hold the hope and faith, as the WAW will have to face the demons of all of this eventually. Meanwhile we can push on and learn from our mistakes.
Keep forgiveness in your heart ,focus your love on s11, and you will find the strength to endure.
We both will. Our children deserve nothing less.

[Accuray]

Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about. I was following the advice of the "other site" to the T but it was NOT working. Nicing my wife had the reverse effect. When I did nice things or things she complained I wasn't doing before, she said I was being "fake." The more I tried, the more upset she was.

The believability is of course the issue right? You were being "fake" and she knew it.

I'm not sure that "nicing" her is the way to go, it's more like not caring.

Not being in the way because you neither actively support her nor do you oppose her, you just don't care.

What makes these situations so tough to navigate is the nuance of how everything is said and done, and all the suppressed anger on the WAS side and the new anger and hurt on the LBS side, there are so many undercurrents that just get in the way.

Here's the dilemma with the "nicing" approach -- your W is set on this course. In order to feel good about the decision she's making, she needs to feel that's justified.

Her justification lies in things that she *believes* you've done, or have not done (regardless of the reality). She's constructed a story about you, that's based on thousands of feelings she's had, or many data points both real and imagined.

Now, she wants you to play that role, because that allows her to continue her course of action and feel as much peace as she can.

If you deviate from that role, such as "nicing" her, that WILL make her angry, because you're undercutting the story she's told herself about what she's doing.

When that happens, she can preserve her justification by convincing herself that you're faking, or manipulating her, but as soon as she let's her guard down you'll go right back to doing whatever it was you were doing before that she didn't like.

The only way to permanently throw her train off the track is that she needs to truly *believe* that things would be different.

She can ONLY believe that when (1) she thinks you've changed when no one is looking, i.e. whatever you're doing different you're doing for your own benefit and not hers, and the only way that this can be credible is (2) she truly believes that you don't care if she comes back or not.

As long as she thinks you're trying to get her back, she will suspect that whatever you're doing is play acting or manipulation.

If your play acting is directly undercutting her justification for leaving, you are going to see anger erupt like fireworks.

These situations are so difficult!

Acc

[CWOL]

Accuray,
I think the first step before all of these other things will be for her A with OM to flame out. From her suicide notes I found, I think the fantasy is in too deep. But I can just pray that there was nothing there to start with. She conveniently is forgetting that he abandoned her 20 years ago...

I think the other things will work in conjunction with that, but without a break with OM it is very hard for me to pierce the fantasy. It really flared up I believe because OM finalized his D with his 2nd wife last year. It's crazy because she defends the fact that this scumbag is twice divorced, saying the first one he was working too hard and away from his wife, and second one was a gold-digger... That's not exactly a good track record, is it?!?

[Vapo]

CWOL,

you have to turn the other way. You can't be fearing she will fcuck OM, and then be all relieved when you can't find evidence she did. There might be an OM2, or OM3. I know how the waiting hurts, how not knowing cuts like a knife every single night that she is out unsupervised. The only solution is to look away and let her do her $hit. In time you will just not care anymore and that my friend, is a blessing. A genuine blessing.

Do not worry, you will get there, but take the focus off of her and onto yourself. Keeping focus on her can drive you crazy, and I am not just exaggerating... Do things for you, make yourself a man only a fool would leave. But do it for you, not for some pathetic ploy to get her back. She will know, trust me. And I am not talking out of my a$$, I know EXACTLY where you are at...

Stay strong buddy...

[Accuray]

I agree with you CWOL, the A has to flame out first. Regarding the twice divorced, I think the reason second marriages have such a crappy success rate is that people have learned the divorce is survivable so they don't hold on as hard. There's just less fear the second time around. I don't necessarily hold the "divorced twice" against him, but the fact that he's engaging in an EA with someone else's wife is completely unacceptable and I hope there is a special level of hell reserved for him!

[CWOL]

Stopped by S11's Little League practice yesterday afternoon, even though it wasn't "my" day. WW saw me and stayed in her car, while I was cheering S11 on as he hit dingers in batting practice.

It was WW's birthday, but I didn't get a gift this time, in keeping with DB principles. I got a big bouquet a few weeks ago for our 18th anniversary and I didn't get not much of a reaction from WW except "Oh, you shouldn't have." At least it was pretty for me to look at in the house and smelled good! I guess I should go with S11 to get some carnations for Mother's Day though.

Texted with S11 to see how he was doing over at her apartment, I guess she's got internet now.

Last night was the first night home alone in 18 years. Actually, it wasn't as bad as people warned me. I bought the house three years before I got married, so it wasn't a completely new experience.

My new AD, Lexapro, seems to be kicking in, it made me terribly drowsy at work yesterday but seems to be helping with my mood. The only thing that my mind kept racing back to was the unfairness of what WW is doing, and how she is not only getting away with it but rewarded for her waywardness...! Otherwise, woke up only a couple times during the night but went right back to sleep, so a plus in that area.

[doodler]

CWOL,

I'm glad you did well on your first night alone. I'm dreading that day, but it will likely come. I'm also glad to hear the Lexapro is kicking in. The meds made a huge difference for me.

Keep up the good work!

[J5K]

CWOL,

I am sorry you are hurting about not knowing. My WW says she was dating and just coffee and dinner but when she baited me with email she tried to push my buttons about going away for the weekend to Florida with OM. It's not fair but we can't control their actions. Karma is a B*TCH. They will get what they deserve some day.

I am still struggling on whether I should announce to OMs company that he is with a married woman still. Some people have no morals but at lease it would satisfy me in knowing that I am better than those two individuals.

Call me crazy but I would forgive WW for her actions but mine is so stubborn that the likely hood of her ever coming back is slim.

We need to just accept who these "new" people are and deal with the things happening today.

Sometimes I feel thankful that the only thing I need to discuss now with WW is the kids.

[CWOL]

I am still struggling on whether I should announce to OMs company that he is with a married woman still. Some people have no morals but at lease it would satisfy me in knowing that I am better than those two individuals.

I guess you could, but they don't work together right? Also, your WW already filed for D, so he could use that as a crutch. I'm sure mine would.

[J5K]

No they don't work together, her job is a SAHM. He probably knows already. She filed but after she had her weekend trip but of course she always goes back to when I filed for D in December. So it is a moot point.