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AndrewP #2673890 05/03/16 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Darknes - you are correct - that could well be pursuing. I don't think that there are solid lines about what is "right" or "wrong" here.

I started to write a long justification for each of the points but then deleted that. I think what it comes down to for me is becoming the sort of man that I want to be for myself and that she would want to be married to. That person is kind and caring and knows the importance of Mother's Day and sunrises. At the same time I am trying to give her space to figure out her own heart while making sure she knows that I still care and am waiting for her.



I think the message in the Mother's Day card is pursuing. Your wife already knows she has wonderful kids. She doesn't need a reminder that she had them with you... I absolutely agree you want to be the best person you can be. But unfortunately, some of your actions are portraying you to be a doormat. I agree with darknes, she's going to stay with Plan A as long as possible because she knows Plan B will be waiting for her. It's OK to wait for her, but she doesn't need to know that you're waiting and you certainly can keep living your life while waiting. Keep working on yourself as you have been. If things don't go well with IC, perhaps you should try someone else that may be a better fit.

As others have suggested, find a small social group to interact with and develop new relationships. Surely, meeting with some people for a couple of hours a week isn't going to hurt you. smile I'm in introvert as well... but I forced myself to go out with some friends and re-discover things that I once enjoyed, but stopped doing.

DigIt #2673905 05/03/16 09:56 AM
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Andrew,
Detaching is very difficult. But pursuing is going to have the opposite effect that you want, it will make her feel suffocated and want to run away.
Focus on yourself instead. Don't worry about the M-day cards or flowers.


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
CWOL #2673906 05/03/16 10:09 AM
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Thanks for the 2X4s everyone. I'll keep working on it.

This weekend will be tough. S22 knows that something serious is going on and may be looking for answers that I don't know that W or I are prepared to give. She has a 3 hour drive with him on Saturday picking him up and I'll be the one taking him home next week. I suspect he'll want to leave first thing on Monday.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP #2673923 05/03/16 10:39 AM
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I think what's happened to me in the last couple of days is that because W has been more pleasant and less distant to me since she broke down last Saturday and apologized for the pain she's caused and I started to feel hope. That hope caused me to think that more reminders might get more results faster. I'm "really" glad that I didn't follow through on some of the other things I've thought of like suggesting again that she return to the MBR or asking if the A is over.

I'm sure that she still doesn't know her own mind (again could be wrong and she might just be enjoying that cake) so I need to go back to giving her space and working on my own GAL.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP #2673950 05/03/16 12:12 PM
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When she is ready to talk, she will let you know. Until then, I think it's best to assume she's focused on OM.

You know what you need to do. We're here to help keep you on track, if you need it. What are you plans for the rest of this week?

dream #2673971 05/03/16 12:43 PM
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Tomorrow I'm in my home office and I go to see the IC in the evening - hopefully she actually is useful this time. The first time was just going over what took me in there. I'll probably will have dinner at home with W unless she goes off for one of her multi-hour walks (generally actual walks - not off with OM). The plan is to be pleasant, interested in her life but to not mention M, R, A or any of those other letters. If asked about my day the plan is to be upbeat and positive.

One thing we do is every month that might come up tomorrow is go over our monthly budget to plan our spending / finances. Last Saturday morning I did a separate full year one since W said she was definitely leaving that showed what I would pay if we split. That was what caused her break-down when she realized that there would be no more cake. It will probably be shredded for now but it will be an awkward situation before that happens. Not sure if she'll be up to even looking at our regular budget. If not I'll probably quietly shred the documents and let this month play out without her input into our finances. We've been doing this long enough that it's pretty much automatic anyway.

Thursday / Friday is back in my city office with little overlap - keep my distance and keep polite. Saturday she'll be off to pick up S22 and I'll be doing my weekly/monthly stuff around the house which usually takes most of the day between the garden, laundry and the heavy cleaning of the cat boxes etc that I've always done. When they get back that's when it will get very tricky. My plan is to let her drive any discussion that S22 wants to have. This is her mess and she needs to deal with it. If she keeps quiet about leaving (the separate sleeping can't be hidden) that's fine by me. I'm 99.5% sure that the OM and A won't be mentioned. My only worry is that S22 will act like I did (do when I lapse) and try to push us back together.

On this topic - what put me over the edge last night was when I was alone thinking about how I would tell S22/D24 about this. It will break their hearts almost as much as mine has been.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP #2674217 05/04/16 07:56 AM
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Interesting development last night. W has been slowly accumulating money in her personal bank account for some time which I had noticed and now makes more sense to me. Part of the money that was money that had been saved against taxes with the surplus intended to be used to top up her pension savings.

Last night out of the blue she mentioned that she had talked to the bank, reviewed her mutual funds and moved the saved money into them. The implication was that she had done it that day. She also spent some time looking at both our usual budget numbers plus the "we've split" budget and it looked like she was texting while looking at it. I finished my chapter in my book and went to bed and left her at it without pretending to take much more than a passing notice.

I did our usual bank reconciliation today before work and noticed that the pension transaction actually happened BEFORE I opened up the "we've split" can. She's also set aside the paper copy of the "we've split" budget where S22 won't see it and perhaps where she can work on it.

So - she's it seems that she's still planning her exit or at least exploring her options which I must admit is good. She might be regretting moving that money but it wasn't a lot and the "we've split" budget identifies exactly what cash is on hand and what it had been previously saved for. I think that it's good for her to know how she can walk and if she does walk it will be good for me to finally have closure on that chapter.

Thinking about it in DB context though it's not pursuing, not controlling but laying things out for her to make her own mind up and letting her know that I'll be moving on in my own direction if she moves away from me. That's why I only filled in the numbers on her side of the budget for things that were joint but now would be expected to be her sole responsibility like her car insurance and payments. I still want her to stay though and I hate to think that I might have paved the road for her to leave.

Tonight we're having dinner together at home (rare since BD) and she mentioned that she might be interested in having our usual monthly budget review. I'm wondering how it will go. I expect that she'll go with the status quo making sure she still gets her cake.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP #2674221 05/04/16 08:11 AM
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Your onus in paving the road for her to leave ended the day that she made a decision to break her vows.

Just make sure she's eating gluten-free cake.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
DDJ #2674279 05/04/16 10:59 AM
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I hope you have money saved for yourself. Be sure to document the amounts she has taken out as everything in the joint account should be split. If you split it later, obviously, she will get more than half since she has already taken some.

You certainly haven't paved the way for her to leave. Finances are important to talk about.

Hope IC goes well tonight.

AndrewP #2674285 05/04/16 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Saturday she'll be off to pick up S22 and I'll be doing my weekly/monthly stuff around the house which usually takes most of the day between the garden, laundry and the heavy cleaning of the cat boxes etc that I've always done.


So when do you get to go out and do something for you?

And I'd be super careful about the last 4 words I bolded. Now is a time to forge a new AndrewP. Don't be afraid of change just because youre comfortable with how you've "always done" things.

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