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Oh, "hopeless" doesn't even begin to describe how I was feeling. Especially early on. I was despondent. I felt like the ability to ever experience hope had been stolen from me. I cried every day for the first two months. At times, I was literally sprawled out on the floor crying and hands and knees. Or I locked myself in a dark closet so my kids wouldn't hear me. Actually crying out to God on why I was suffering when I was doing everything RIGHT.
I've found my faith again through all of this. Looking back, I can see how God was working in both of our lives in HUGE ways as soon as the A started. I see now that things were happening in my W's life (even before I knew about the A) that would eventually get us to where we are now. So many unexplainable crazy things have happened. I jokingly say that I REALLY disapprove of God's methods but I now see how he has been with me through this entire process. He's been supporting and taking care of me even when I didn't know it and when I certainly didn't deserve it.

When I served my W divorce papers, I don't think I even cared about hope anymore. I had completely dropped the rope. I was done and was ready to move on. I even felt God was telling me that it was ok to file and that I should. Had I not listened to that, I am confident that we would not be where we are at today.

All I can say is that you need to follow and trust the process. You will feel hopeless. You will hate your life and may even not want to live this life anymore. Its horrible. But its the life you have been given. Life is all about the choices you make. You can CHOOSE to live the life you've been given and CHOOSE to make it an awesome life. You have that power within you. You just have to find your courage. It will hurt. It will not be easy. But you can do it and you will be a better person for it.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 209
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Initially, when this first came to light, I immediately kicked her out and began filing. That week had me on the phone constantly with lawyers and seeing what kind of rights I had.

The 2nd week is when it all hit. I'm glad LiM was able to hide it from his kids, I couldn't. I would wake up in such soul wrenching pain, my kids would climb into bed with me, trying to calm me down. I've been through suicidal depressions in the past, and let me tell ya, those are nothing compared to the pain you feel of infidelity. Hopeless - yeah, was there.

In my sitch, and this is where I'm lucky than a lot of people, my W was very remorseful. There were times I had to go to her hotel and talk her down from suicidal ramblings. Not only was she done with OM, she literally got sick talking about it. She initiated counseling. She worked her way back to the house. When she moved back home, I detached and started going to the gym. Refocusing on work. Lost a lot of weight. Again, luckily for me, my W saw the changes and I became a person she was attracted to when we first met. I changed my attitude. I wasn't so negative anymore. I complimented her (but didn't flood her).

Over time and therapy, I learned to be a better person in general, not the miserable old crank I was. My positivity spread and she fed off it. She was no longer afraid to talk to me, ask me how my day was (because before, if you asked, I'd give you a whole litany of misery).

Again, my sitch is unique in that my W was remorseful from the very beginning. It would be a completely different story if she told me to "suck it up and deal with it". Most WS's are like, "oh well, you busted me, what are you gonna do?" My W isn't like that at all thank God.

And I've also rediscovered God. I used to laugh at her, going to church to "worship the imaginary friend in the sky". I would say that. Man, I'm surprised she didn't leave me for another church goer. But I started going with her, starting finding my roots and enjoy going now, thanking God every time for giving us the chance to reconcile. Could a benevolent God do this to me? Make my W have an affair to turn ME around? I doubt it - but I do believe He works in mysterious ways. Many other bad things could've happened, but they didn't. I believe He had a hand in making this work out.

Hope this helps some of you guys out.


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
Joined: Apr 2016
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LiM and Storm,

This so great to hear. It is always helpful to know you aren't alone. Not that I want anyone to ever feel the amount of pain I'm feeling, but it helps to know that I'm not crazy for heave crying myself sick.

Storm, I really like that you have found a way to be a better, more positive you. I know that is something that I need to improve and knowing that you could do it tells me that I can improve.

There is so much pain, agony, despair, hopelessness, and confusion here that we need more positive interaction and encouragement and stories of hope. Thank you both so much!

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Originally Posted By: tjcran
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Storm, I really like that you have found a way to be a better, more positive you. I know that is something that I need to improve and knowing that you could do it tells me that I can improve.


Yes, anyone can improve. You do it for yourself. By becoming a more integrated male, I've become more confident. I stopped giving my daughters grief and began praising them more often. This leads to a higher respect from them, not fear or worry, as would often be the case. "Lets not upset Dad" is what they would whisper. Who wants to walk around on eggshells?

This shows in your interaction with your spouse as well. I remember the times my wife would get her hair done and I'd just get mad at her for the expense. Now I'm a different person. I see the positive - how beautiful it makes her look. She smiles, I'm calm, we're all happy.

Life is too short to be a miserable creep. Will things work out with the W and I? I'm certainly hopeful. I hope we spend the rest of our lives together. Yet, in the event things turn south, I know I have the ability to still recover and be that new dude someone else would desire.


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
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I finally got caught up on your sitch. Um, wow, Lim!!! No wonder you give such great feedback to other posters.

And Storm, you too! I am so glad for you.

I wish more people could detach, drop the rope and start genuinely moving on! I think the waywards know/feel when it is genuine and when it's contrived to win them back. It is so hard to let them go, but I think at some point it has to happen. They have to be willing to work on themselves, commit to doing whatever it takes, and get out of the fog with remorse! If they can't, I don't think we really want them back, do we? I also think they lose respect with the LBS holds on or gets roped into their drama; it is up to us to put up the boundary and show them we value ourselves more than that!

Have either of you read or posted in piecing? I would if there were more activity there, but haven't yet. I have passed the one year mark, but it is still work and there are still triggers.

-Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Originally Posted By: Stormchaser
[quote=tjcran].

Yes, anyone can improve. You do it for yourself. By becoming a more integrated male, I've become more confident. I stopped giving my daughters grief and began praising them more often. This leads to a higher respect from them, not fear or worry, as would often be the case. "Lets not upset Dad" is what they would whisper. Who wants to walk around on eggshells?


You and I are built from the same cloth. This describes the old me perfectly. That was not OK. My relationship is SO much better now with my daughters. That's good for us but the side effect is that my W sees that too. She sees that my changes are genuine and therefore are likely to be lasting.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
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Originally Posted By: BluWave

Have either of you read or posted in piecing? I would if there were more activity there, but haven't yet. I have passed the one year mark, but it is still work and there are still triggers.


I haven't been posting in piecing. I mainly post in the Newcomer section since it is most active. I want to help as many people as I can so I spend my time there.

I believe you are correct when saying that the wayward can sense if we are being genuine in our changes. If they aren't, they will sniff that farce out from a mile away. That's why you have to make changes for YOU and YOU alone. If you are making changes in your life for someone else, they aren't genuine. When you do something for yourself, its real.
Going through all the steps (detaching, GAL and 180) are important but they have to be genuine and from the heart. You have to mean it. If you don't, the process won't work.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 209
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Originally Posted By: BluWave


Have either of you read or posted in piecing? I would if there were more activity there, but haven't yet. I have passed the one year mark, but it is still work and there are still triggers.

-Blu



Like LiM, I don't see much action in Piecing - and when I read some of the rules, I believe infidelity wasn't a part of piecing, only MLC and WAS. But I could be wrong. Maybe a mod can move this thread there if LiM wishes?

Blu - I have triggers, of course, only being almost 3 months out. His name. Her work, where it occurred. These I discuss in MC and IC, which helps me a lot through all of it. The mind movies are the worst, and my obsessive mind has trouble with them. Again, this is where therapy helps.

All we can do is hope time, the best tincture out there, heals these wounds.


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 209
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Originally Posted By: LiM

I believe you are correct when saying that the wayward can sense if we are being genuine in our changes. If they aren't, they will sniff that farce out from a mile away. That's why you have to make changes for YOU and YOU alone. If you are making changes in your life for someone else, they aren't genuine. When you do something for yourself, its real.


Laying in bed one night, my W said to me that she thought my going to the gym, therapy, etc, was purely a way of me trying to win her back. She also said that when she saw me continuing to do things to improve myself is when she truly began to believe I was changing for myself, not because of HER. I never said to her, "hey, look, I'm in therapy now like you wanted, I'm going to the gym now like you wanted, I'm cleaning the house like you wanted..." Because that's not what they want, nor what they want to hear.

I said to her, "I didn't like the person I was before. I'm doing something to change that." Plus, I lost over 20 lbs and I can say with honest truth, I do NOT want to go back to that unhealthy lifestyle EVER again.

My wife likes the person I am now. My kids like the guy I am now. But most importantly, I like who I am now.


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
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LiM Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
Triggers are tough and they are just something that we have to work through. TxHubby calls them $hit Sandwiches because they aren't very tasty. My W will say things sometimes, that although completely innocent to her, cause me to think of certain things. We've done intimate things together that we've never done before but that I know she did with OM. That's hard for me. For Pete's Sake, my W had sex with OM on our anniversary! That's going to be a tough one to swallow. But I intend for us to renew our M vows on our next anniversary and hopefully that will help take the sting out of it.

Trust is going to be something that is hard for me to rebuild. Not only trust in my W but also trust in myself. When I was describing my W's behavior to a friend, this female friend told me that my W was having an A. I wouldn't have that! I defended my W saying that I didn't know what she was doing but there was NO way she was doing that. Boy was I wrong. I feel like I can't trust my own intuition anymore. I'm sure that will come with time too.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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