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I know I should stop obsessing. Mainly I feel for our kids. They are missing out on family life because he has been an idiot.

If he was unhappy why didn't he do something constructive rather than say I don't love you. I don't think he thought about the consequences of his stupidity.

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I know I should stop obsessing.

(I agree it's helpful to minimise focus on him - ie: what you can't control - and maximise focus on you - ie: what you can control. People post about using 'big red stop signs' in their minds and elastic bands on their wrists - snap - when they do start obsessing. Filling your own life with nourishing and enjoyable things genuinely helps too.)

Mainly I feel for our kids. They are missing out on family life because he has been an idiot.

(Yes, we don't have kids together, but there has inevitably been an impact on SS and I feel sad for him. The main thing here is to focus on what you can give to them - ie: a stable 'new' family existence. I agree it's not ideal and I in no way support your H's poor choices. But I think if you can 'be there' for them and support them to maintain a R with their Dad, these are the main things.)

If he was unhappy why didn't he do something constructive rather than say I don't love you.

(I think whilst in replay, MLCers tend to raze their former lives to the ground. They want nothing to do with them and tend to pretty much dump them in the trash and walk away, seemingly without a care. It's astounding, but I've seen it time and time again on this forum. In time, many/most MLCers begin to feel the consequences and may come to truly miss what they had. But in how much time - who knows - hence the 'wait without waiting' and live your life 'as if (he's never coming back)' advice.

I don't think he thought about the consequences of his stupidity.

(I'm pretty sure he didn't. Remember, MLCers tend to act purely on emotion. They don't rationalise things and go with what makes them feel good. It is only as time passes that their poor choices catch up with them and what seemed like 'gold' (ie: R with OW) tends to turn to dust.)

Now then lovely - you're still ruminating on things you can't control (which I do understand - none of this is easy by any means.) However, do try and get a balance of focusing on you and recognise the futility of pondering about him over and over. It is freeing to recognise there's not much you can do for him just now, other than to step back. let him live his poor choices and live your own life.)

Take care and hope you have the best week possible xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thanks Sotto, work will be a distraction.

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Originally Posted By: Mia2003
If he was unhappy why didn't he do something constructive rather than say I don't love you.


Mia, maybe he wasn't even as unhappy as he now claims he was. He wants to justify the reasons that "forced" him into the OW's arms, and he will shift all the blame to you. He will claim that YOU didn't meet his needs, that YOU made him unhappy and that basically everything that ever went wrong in your relationship or the history of humanity for that matter is all YOUR fault. I'm trying to not believe the things my H told me to justify why he felt that our relationship was not working, but some of it was really hurtful and even though I know they were not true, they often pop in my thoughts. For example he claimed that I stopped being interesting. Now you can call me many things, and I have many faults, but boring is probably not one of them.

I'm really sorry that his stupidity affects the kids, I cannot even imagine how hard that would be. My H was rational enough to take all his madness/irrationality/MLC/depression out on me, but he had the decency to keep things normal for the kids, and to try to work things out (probably for the sake of the kids).

Your children are lucky to have you though, and it seems to me that you will fight for their happiness no matter what.


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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Esame, did your h leave?

I regret the shouting I did to him after bd.

When I look back I was a bit depressed anyway with stuff that was going on with work and my h added bombshell was too much to take for me.

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How are you doing Mia?

Rouky, I removed your earlier posting since you stated you had pressed the button too early.

Last edited by job; 05/11/16 01:58 PM. Reason: removed previous posting for Rouky
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I'm ok...just rung up to confirm his mediation appt and they want me to pay £171. I just said that he wanted this so he can pay. Don't get me wrong , I want it sorted but fathom to see why I should pay so much money for a child access appt that he already has when he doesn't want to discuss finance.

Am I being unreasonable here?

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Mia,
I really don't blame you for telling them that he can pay the bill. He's the one that wants this...then let him pay for it.

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2676936 05/13/16 06:00 AM
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Have rung the mediator and explained the situation. They have texted him to ask if he can pay. I can't imagine he will say yes.

I also reckon he'll mention something when he picks up kids this evening....but I will remain calm. And state that this is a conversation between him and the mediator as this is what he wants.

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Well don't want to speak too soon, but this weekend is the first weekend the kids aren't here and I'm not crying ( yet) . Have instead cleaned the downstairs of the house and painted the utility room. H just sat there and smoked and drank in there the last couple of months so it was gross so repainting it was therapeutic.

Still think he is a. Complete idiot ( as does everyone else) ....but I am starting to believe that things aren't as rosy with him. He hasn't got his kids and I think this pushing for mediation for access is demonstrating his realisation of what it means not to see his kids everyday. Not great.

Not saying this changes anything but there's a certain good feeling that he maybe finally experiencing the consequences of his selfish cruel actions.

After I've eaten my lunch I plan to go and buy more paint. And maybe sit and have a coffee in a coffee shop. Not a big coffee drinker but gets me out of the house so as not to dwell.

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