Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,453
A
ATPeace Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,453
Thank you for checking in in me I will post again here as it is the safest place to write things down that I want to say to my W but I know she does not want to hear so I guess I am just venting out my thoughts

Being together in house is so hard I am watching my W get further and further from me emotionally

Sotto you are right I am not ready for a new relationship it is the feeling lonley the lack of intamacy I do not want that from somebody else but I know I can't get it from my W

I have been here for almost a year and in that time I have made close to 1300 posts and although I feel I have learnt a lot I feel I still can action so little of what I know

So why do I keep torturing myself my W has not changed her stance and despite doing the wrong things and talking to her many times she is still remaining adament that she has made her mind up and will not change it...yet we are still living in the same house and as far as I know she has not made any plans to see a soliciter or to sell the house, she is able to work and spend the nights working (away from me ) ad I spend the days working (away from her)

I really enjoy spending time with my children they mean the world to me but my life is and should be more than just the kids

I only need to work three days a week my W only really needs to do the same however she is choosing to work five nights w week where she can so she is earning more miney to put aside for when we are in sepeerate houses.

I want to book a holiday with my w and the kids I do not know if she would Come with me I am scared to take the kids abroad without her being alone a single parent to 4 kids is not easy ok the older ones are fairly self sufficient.

So this Is my thoughts from this morning that I was going to imsg to her

I feel so alone ....

Every morning I wake up and just want to talk to you try and rebuild something with you keep a connection to you ....you still mean the absolute world to me and I wish more than anything we could be working to patching repairing rebuilding yet I feel the distance between us more than ever ...I do not want to live the rest of my life as a single man apart from you seeing my children our children half the time. I do my course and everything seems clearer to me ..... when things were bad between us last time and we tried again to make things better ...I did not have a clue as to what you needed I did not talk to you enough and find out exactly what you needed from me and I am sorry I did not understand this.

W I know that things will never be the same between us ever again but this does not mean that things could not be better, much better ....different ....much different.

We had 4 children together we did love each other and this love I realise for you is buried under so much hurt ....you wanted me to be there for you spend time with you and I cannot tell you enough how sorry I am that I did not spend more time with you when you wanted it I did not realise just how unhappy you were feeling

W when we conceived Baby 4 I thought that a baby would bring us closer together and things would automatically become much better without effort ....I did not have a clue...I did not realise just how unhappy you were I know you tried telling me and I am so sorry that I did not listen to you

I write all of the above not to piss you off or to make you upset ....I realise the full ramifications of splitting up and how it will affect our children. I have been getting along so much better recently with D1 and our other children love me we can give them a stable happy life you and our children mean the world to me the absolute world everything ... Please give me a chance.

I love you Forget the In love feelings for a minute I am talking about the love of caring for someone the choice of doing loving things the wanting to spend time with a person and making the choice of putting the other persons needs and feelings above ones own.

I am still the man you fell in love with the man you married and wanted to spend the rest of your life with .....sure along the way I made some very bad choices and I let you down but people can change you tell me you have changed if you can change then I can change I am more than my behaviour.

W I feel us getting further apart and it is killing me on the inside I try and detach my feelings from you but I cannot.

I realise I have no control of what decisions that you will make and for this it breaks my heart that you will not give us another chance at least to be curious to see if I can change or see just how our relations could be Different.

So this is something that I wanted to send to her this morning when I woke up I did not send this but wanted to post my feelings somewhere safe.

My thoughts are also the longer we are apart the more likely she will meet someone else and build intimacy with someone else I am sure when this happens she will think not for a moment about remaining in the house with me.

I guess the fact that I posted it here and I did not send it to her is a small step

So

I miss her
I want her back in my life
I feel she is moving on

And I can write this a 1000 times if I talk to her about it ...Her words I am just trying to wear her down

So another day keep the focus on the her and now

Thanks for being my friend my internet buddy
Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
Hi G , it's good to write the message but obviously not send it I think it's normal to have these feelings BUT nothing will change for W while she can see your still waiting for her Why would it ? Yes youve become a better person but only for a short period. It took your W years to get to this point and it might take years for her to believe the changes in you

She has given you the gift of time so would you not be better off using it for G

We all feel your pain and we all wish we had acted differently BUT we are where we are now so we have to make the best of it. We only get one life G and its best to enjoy it and live it to the full , if that means watching TV or climbing Everest , do what you enjoy Become the best Dad that ever walked the planet.

Take the kids on holiday ,'D17 will be able to look after herself more or less and it will create fantastic memories , I did it last year with 3'and we had a great time

The " no control " over W , means just that , you have none and in her current mindset anything you say or do is seen as an attempt to control her In her head the decision is made so G has to get on with his life. If the new G attracts W then great but if not , and G is happy with who he is , then it's her loss.

Again G , we all feel your pain but we also see that you are worth more than what's available from W right now

Just my opinion G , I'm far from an expert but I am living it as are most on here

Take care. Rd

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
I agree with RD, it's fine to get the letter off your chest and good to journal - and good for you to have realised that giving the letter to her wouldn't be helpful.

In fact, I can only think of the very rare occasion when giving a letter has actually helped on these forums. So, giving letters (IMHO) is risky for sure.

For the holiday, I agree - take the kids. If you're nervous about a holiday abroad - what about a UK break to build up to that. Maybe Centerparks or similar, or a nice hotel with a pool that's in a place with a couple of fun things to do??

You're doing well, and remember to try and not ruminate on the R with your W. She's gone for just now - so make the most of other things life has to offer.

Take care smile x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
So, hypothetically, if you sent that letter, what would you do if she said "too late, I'm done?"

Write another on? And another one? Until you convince her to work on the marriage?

If you don't accomplish what you want to accomplish, what will you do then?

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Oh, and I sent many "letters" to my exh which looked a lot like yours. They pushed him much farther away rather than bring him closer.

Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
Agreed - no letters. I wrote a letter, right at the start. It said, from what I remember 'I will always welcome you back with open arms'. What a knob! That gave her carte blanche to carry on treating me like sh1t. Don't write it down, apart from on here.

Holidays will be difficult with you on your own. I think going abroad might be too much, so, as Sotto says, why not try Centerparks (you guys in the US - it's centre!). Yeah, it's a bit pricy, but there is so much to do and you can just unwind in one of the lodges if that suits, with no one to march you off to breakfast etc. and the swimming pools are great. I think your nearest is in Sherwood Forest, but the one in the Lakes gets a good write up to.

Hang in there man, but you really have got to exit the stress for a while. You know that's right, right?


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,453
A
ATPeace Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,453
Huddy yes I do need to exit the stress

Things are actually fairly static here and we are getting along ok with no drama

The thing I am realising is that most of this is more about her than it is about me

The sad thing is that as her husband I just want to be there for her to fix her problems I am the last Person that she would want to help.

Writing the letters would not help and it is for this reason that I did not send,

I am feeling a little strnger


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 301
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 301
Let's all get on the same page.. We can write letters.. But then we burn them, or shred them... Destroy them... Or better yet, write the letter on here...


Ralph88
Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9
2013 B drop 1, EA found
2016 B drop 2, EA/PA?
2/16 Physical Seperation
2/16 I filed for D
4/16 PA Confirmed
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,453
A
ATPeace Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,453
Hi just after a little advice and I will try and take it

I have been in my sitch for now nearly a year and I have tried doing more things without my W however I still find myself very attached to her and what she is doing.

I really miss the connection that we used to have I do not want to be just her friend I want to be her husband I want the intamacy back again between us however with what has gone on over the past year I really cannot see this ever happening.

I do not want to live apart from her and the thought of this breaks my heart

Although we do quit a lot together she is not prepared to work on a relationship between us.

she is still choosing to live in the same house with me and spend time with me

She is being more secretive with her phone and her iPad but I am fairly sure that there is no EA or PA she tells me that because of how I have treated her she does not feel she could ever trust another man and get into another relationship

So divorce busting is about letting her go and working on me ....when we are getting along well things feel good between us I feel very safe when I am arround her it almost feels like things could be better but she,does,not want this.

So I want to stand for the marrage I do not want to meet any other women I do not,want to be with someone else and start forming another relationship

My wife wlways told me that the most important thing to me in our marrage was if I got it in the bedroom this was not the case sure I enjoyed it but it was not the biggest thing right now I am not bothered And if I dont have sex or make love it is not a big deal i do however miss the cuddles and the holding and being there for my W she would argue that I was not there for her

I feel at a loss as to what to do and how to try and make things better

Am I right in thinking that there is nothing i can do and no amount of forming a conversation or trying t keep a cinjection is going ti matter and it has to come from her ?

Still spinning

Thanks

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,277
Likes: 8
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,277
Likes: 8
Right. I mean, you did try to initiate R conversations and what did it get you?

Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard