A new crossroad reached

[Sotto]

Hi MLeigh, it sounds as though you have reached a new phase in your situation. Over time, we come to think we have let go and then we let go some more and realise we didn't really let go before.

What you said about your H being a good man and everyone would agree resonated with me. My H was also a lovely guy and that does make it harder to let go.

I'm glad you are due to see an IC see again and hope that will bring you some further peace and clarity....plus sounds like you have some great GAL plans coming up.

Take care xx

[BrightFuture]

Hey mleigh, it is a beautiful tribute to your H. I’m happy for you, that you are feeling strong to determine what you want in your life and follow up with it. I hope you will still come to this board once in a while to post the updates about you. I feel like I have a very strong connection to you, even though I don’t post as much recently too.

I hope we can meet at some point… When you come to visit SoCal again. Take care.

[2Times2Many]

M, that's a beautiful tribute. It brought tears to my eyes. Isn't it odd how MLC seems so much like the death of a spouse. It's very much like Cali sees it. The person you knew is gone and all you really see is a ghost or a shadow of the one you once knew, but the memories of the love you once shared will always be held in your heart.

{{{Hugs}}} girl. And a big thumbs up on the GAL activities.

[123Gwen]

A beautiful tribute Mleigh. All the best my friend.

[bttrfly]

Honey I hope that brought you as much peace as my ceremony for my H brought me. I will say this though: for me, and only for me, the month since that ceremony has been a deeper level of grieving and letting go. I view it as necessary, but I have to admit it has been very painful. I have had some interactions, mostly at S's baseball, and they have been pleasant/cordial. No one watching us would know we aren't still together. With each interaction, I realize anew how far apart we are and how far my H is from the man I fell in love with. So my dear, I get it. I really do. I too have been staying away, because I'm trying to move on. I miss everyone though, so here I am checking in.

I'm glad you gave yourself the closure when you were ready to. No one can say you haven't put forth the full effort. I'm so happy you have moved forward with GAL activities.

Please check in when you can. I will miss you! xoxoxoxo

[mleigh4]

Hi everyone. Just popping in to give a quick update on me. I do continue to check in on you guys, I can't imagine giving that up.

So I am doing really good. Work is great, staying busy, I love my job and the crew I work with. We have started mimosa Friday's and truly have fun at work.

I continue to keep busy with friends. I exercise daily, either walking, yoga, planking or baby weights. Yep, this girl will be looking hot this summer It feels great and keeps me feeling good about myself.

S is great. He showed some interest in baseball, so I ran out to get a bat, balls and mitts. We plan on getting his buddies together to play at the park. He continues to get great grades in school and has several things planned with friends, including an upcoming bbq carnival at his school.

I had my first IC appointment today. It was great because the person I saw before her, and retired, kept notes, so she read up on my sitch and knew all the background info when I walked in. As I was voicing my concerns, all the answers she had were exactly what I already had in my head. When I asked her if she was pro marriage, she answered she was pro love. Some key notes she touched on.....

H has shown no sign of wavering on his decision to walk away from our marriage, for almost 3 years.

Fake family time has no benefit for our S. Do I want to teach him the example of holding on to a marriage just to keep it intact, or do I want him to experience love and affection? What would I hope he would choose?

Instead of just going dark, I need to have a talk with H. We both agreed, I will most likely get nothing out of it, other than laying down the law. Basically...."H, you have been checked out for almost 3 years now and show no sign of a change of heart, since we are permanently separated, we need to go over what this year will look like, holidays, vacations with S, even child support". This keeps me from stopping the legal time line of M, but clarifies that we will now live as D.

My home, my rules, too bad for H, he left.

Computer time....as long as S is healthy, getting exercise and sunshine, social and doing well in school and with friends, not a big deal. If H wants to force him to do other things, his problem, his battle.

MIL is a control freak who obviously did not give her children choices. She was out of line to cut S hair and S has every right at his age to make choices about himself, including his hair. Choices are extremely important for children and I was right to state that boundary.

Trying to keep a R with in-laws is up to me, it's H job to keep an R between them and S, not my problem. If I don't want an R with them, my choice, I should not feel an obligation.

As far as D, I have been emotionally D for 2 weeks now. I now know I wasn't before, I never truly let go, and was living on hope. When H gave me his last rant, it was like another light bulb clicked in me. The realization that I need to stop waiting for my H to come back. This new guy is a jerk and someone I want minimal contact with, only for S. It is clear as day and every day when I wake up, my first thought is yep, I'm done. It is just the strangest thing as I really consider him dead and gone and no longer the person I am dealing with. I have completely separated the 2. So I will continue the "emotional" divorce until I feel the need to make it legal.

IC warned, it sounds like he is holding out so I make the move to D, so I am the bad guy. This way he can say, I just asked for some time and space and she D me. Well, I know the truth. In fact I am very proud of myself. I am proud of staying faithful and hopeful, I am proud of having opened my holidays and vacations to him, I am proud for giving it my all, I can honestly say I tried everything.

I continue NC with him. Last Saturday, he TM asking when he could pick up S....it was my weekend. I ignored, thinking he would figure it out. He later called asking the same question. I pointed out he had S last weekend. He got mad at me, said I could have just replied to his message. I said ok, bye, click. The next day, Mothers Day, I got no word from him. Typical PA behavior, I was expecting it. I had a nice weekend with son, feeling grateful that I was blessed with him, it was not easy for me to get pregnant. Feeling grateful he is happy, healthy and growing like a weed! Lol. I had a great Mothers Day, truly grateful for my amazing child.

When I dropped off S last night, I gave H a list of upcoming dates and activities for S for the next 3 months. I also gave him his mail with a message that this is his last delivery, time to change his address.

I also spent the weekend buying my flowers and veggies for my backyard. I spent the weekend planting and am ready to enjoy my beautiful backyard and garden this spring and summer.

So that is where I am at. I continue to pop in to check on the latest but also make sure my time is focused on me and enjoying my life. I have so much to be thankful for, including having you all in my life.

[mleigh4]

Sotto...I never let go until now. What a difference I feel! My H was a great guy, an honest good guy, and I choose to remember him that way.

Bright....I would love to meet you! Is there a way to private message, or even Facebook? Thanks as always for your support.

2times....MLC is definite death of our spouse....with a small chance they can come back. It's a strange realisation.

Gwen....always good to hear from you. Glad you liked the tribute.

Bttrfly....saying good bye to my H was needed and necessary for me. Like you said, it brought relief but also a heavy heart. I really loved him. I am not skipping around happy, I feel a great sadness in letting him go, but I feel it's my time.

Hugs to you all

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh- just caught up and it's good to hear an update from you. I've been thinking of you! Glad you had a nice Mother's Day.

What you said about knowing the truth of what really happened resonated with me. We're dealing with people who have quite a distorted view of reality. We take care of ourselves and our kids and try to make peace with the rest of this mess.

Happy gardening.

[job]

You sound so much more grounded these days and I'm glad the IC is pro love. I think you are on the right track in setting boundaries. You've been struggling w/setting boundaries for quite some time, but you will discover that you will feel so much better now that those boundaries have been enforced.

Your h will not be a happy camper to have the revolving door whereby he could pick and choose what he wanted to do and the times he would have his son...but that's okay. He made choices and those choices weren't good ones, thus, the consequences of his actions will be felt by him.

I'm very happy to read that you and your son are doing well and keeping busy. Love your son to the moon and back. He's a precious gift and one that will grow by leaps and bounds and be there for you no matter what. He's a great young man and one day, he will look back and no that his mom was there supporting him all the way, no matter what came his way.

Continue moving forward and I look forward to reading your amazing postings as you continue to grow and explore the wide world out there.

Happy Belated Mother's Day!

[mleigh4]

Hi everyone,

Happy Saturday. This month has been a whirlwind of activities and I can't believe June is around the corner!

So, I am still feeling great, life is good. NC continues with me. H has sent several TM's here and there, but I only reply if absolutely needed. I just have no desire to be his buddy anymore, in my mind, he is my XH. It still feels strange to me that I am here but feels very right. Based on my level of peace and happiness, it was needed, I am very thankful to God and all of you for helping me get to this point.

Last Saturday was our 12 year wedding anniversary. I dropped off S to H like normal, short and sweet and off I go. The meaning of the day actually only popped into my mind a couple of times and not at all when dropping off S! That amazed me. This was the third ignored anniversary, I guess third time is a charm.

I spent that day at a co-workers son's 1 year bday party. I knew no one until another co-worker showed up, but I made conversation and felt comfortable, definitely a change for me.

After, I went to my friends and we all went to their neighbors to bbq. Again, out of my comfort zone, I don't know the neighbors, but I had a great time! We ate, they played instruments, and had some good girl talk. Neighbor is on her 2nd marriage and much happier. I hear this more and more lately, not sure if I am happening to just meet these people who had terrible experiences in their first marriage, or if I am just willing to listen now. At any rate, I announced I am ready to begin dating if I meet someone I am interested in. My friends clapped and hugged me, they confirmed I have tried everything, they loved H too and would hate to see us end, but agree it's time to have some fun.

That next day H had to drop off dog on the way to drop off S at his buddies bday party. I met them out front to get dog. H was mumbling about his pen not working or something. I hugged S, told him I would pick him up in a few hours, got dog and went inside. A minute later, H was at door asking for a pen. I left him at the door, opened a crack, got pen and went back to give to him. He had creeped partially inside and was looking around. Gave him pen, walked him out.

I spent the day cleaning up all my furniture and knick knacks I got for my patio last year and set it all up. Beautiful and so my happy place!! I bought an outside rug to add and also want a water feature to finish it off. My Zen

This week I put air in my tires at the gas station all by myself! Can you believe it cost $1.00 for air!? I also killed the black widow I found living in my garage. S very much enjoyed watching his mom scream in terror while doing that. These were big steps for me, H always handled this stuff.

Wednesday was S open house at school. I had not only written this down on the schedule I gave H, but reminded him the night before when I dropped off S. While S and I were eating before the event, H called. I ignored. I listened to message, it was a butt dial. Then I got TM from him telling me story of S sleepwalking the night before. No mention of open house and I just knew.....I did not reply and sure enough, he was a no show. S seemed fine with it.

The next night, when I dropped off S, I decided to not say anything to H. Why bother? I don't care, what matters is S, and he honestly seemed he could care less. H tried as usual to make conversation with me, but I just don't interact much anymore. I am always polite, I say my goodbye to S and leave. It's not to be mean, or punish him, or looking for a reaction....it's just natural towards someone I don't care much for. Unfortunately, H has fallen into that category.

Last night was S May bbq and faire at school. S never showed an interest to go but this year did. We went and had an absolute blast! He ran around with his buddies and I visited with parents I know. It seems S and I are both coming out of our introvert shells a bit! I also notice I don't feel a big void not having H next to me like I used to. At S school events, I feel proud that I am there, for my S, I am doing what a parent should, even by myself, and I stand tall and proud about it.

Tonight S has another birthday party, he is a busy social boy these days. Otherwise, mellow weekend at home. Next weekend is my reggae festival and I can't wait!

June is looking busy too, but I am really looking forward to our beach getaway in July. So all is good here. I don't plan on having any talk right now with H unless he initiates it. I am still settling in to my new mindset and want to continue so for now. So far so good, this is working well for me. I have written down different versions of what I want to say when the time comes, and tweaked it here and there, and it's very short and to the point. I still also consider this his divorce, his mess he made and his mess to clean up. I am feeling very much at peace with moving on and not doing anything legally until I need to. (like if I meet someone), but I do see this moving to D and I am ok with that. I have no doubt S and I will be fine, if not better than ever.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!