WAW still angry, moved out, D on the way?

[SH_]

Hi Phoebe,

We are gonna give the early morning jog another go tomorrow and get that back on track. We both really need it.

No deadline on finding a new place, we are just anxious as we would like a fresh start, and no"ghosts" of the family life we had as it is very challenging sometimes to not be overcome with sadness. It just feels like a weight around our necks. A new place will feel fresh and we can make new memories with the family unit as it will be post D. Which still has not been served. Odd as it has been several weeks since she swore it would be served. But anyway, I still expect it any day now.

D17 certainly has been a comfort, a guide and a source of love that has no strings attached. She reminds me of the good I do, when I am low on self confidence, and she will give me a kick in the butt, if she see's me slacking.

She is an angel sent to me, and I am so grateful for her and my d5. They have been a great source of strength.

[SH_]

Some journaling for today.

I slept better last night, and no anti anxiety med in almost 48 hours. And only had minor tremors first thing this morning. D17 talked me through some meditation and then I shook them off.

We got up early and went to church. It was a good meeting, although my mind wandered at times to the things I wish I could have done in my MR and to the things I have to do do move forward. I also found myself fantasizing about my wife coming out of the fog and returning to fix the family. Not sure why that passed through several times. I also got stuck several times in the mind swirl of how much a failure I have been as a husband. I think it had to do with watching a sitcom where the husband is so perfect and has everything a family could want. Stupid tv, makes everything look perfect when I know it is not always that easy.

We got quite a bit done, cleaning up the place so it does not look as ransacked as it had. We worked on creating some vision boards and schedules to help us move in a positive direction.

D17 had a little breakdown this evening. She is feeling overwhelmed, and like she is not making progress. She is 3 weeks from graduation and I think she is excited but nervous due to our current family situation. I was able to share with her some ideas and encouragement. I think I got long winded, because she finally said, " Dad, you do not need to keep lecturing, I am good now."

I called to speak to D5, but no answer. This is becoming a pattern. No answer when I call, and then a call back 30 minutes to an hour later. Appears a bit like a control thing as I call at 7 pm each time as agreed. But oh well, I get to chat with d so that is all that really matters to me.

We then watched a funny show and now we are headed to bed. She is doing better, and I am feeling tired, so my goal, is a good nights rest and to wake up calm and go for a jog.

Today was good overall, but I really want to gain back some confidence and start making some good breaks for me and my baby girls. I haven't had any contact with WAW since Friday morning. And not sure the scowl she gave me even counts as contact. I miss my W. But it has been some time since I have seen her. WAW, is someone I do not want to see. She scares me.

[Phoebe]

I can so totally relate to your last statement. I miss my H, too. He disappeared in December. The WH has made a few appearances, but he's really nothing like H.

I mentioned to my grief counselor that I feel like my real H has died sometimes, and she suggested that perhaps we should have a funeral for him. She wasn't kidding.

I'm glad your shaking was better today. Mine was pretty bad. I took the doubled beta blocker dose again and I still was jittery. Then I went to see a really suspenseful movie (not at all scary) and the shaking got even worse. So weird.

Pencil smiles!!!

[Vanilla]

A scowl is a upside down back to front smile.

A little like the confusion your WAW is in. I really don't get the anger but it makes sense to your WAW.

I like the idea of a new home, it will be exciting for D5 to select her new bedroom. Go to it Sadhub!

V

[Phoebe]

A scowl is a upside down back to front smile.

Love this, V!!!

Hey SadHub! Just checking in on you and hoping you are having good day.

[SH_]

A scowl is a upside down back to front smile.

A little like the confusion your WAW is in. I really don't get the anger but it makes sense to your WAW.

I like the idea of a new home, it will be exciting for D5 to select her new bedroom. Go to it Sadhub!

V

I will stand on my head next time I see her and then I will see this smile you speak of. Haha.

Yes, the anger has continued to confuse me. So I hold on to hope that some day she may explain it to me. But then again, there may simply be some things I do not need to know in this life. But alas, I do love her, and pray that she may find peace.

It's like you have met my d5. She said almost the exact same thing. She wants to decorate a new room for herself and is excited at the idea.

Thank you for checking in on me V. I hope your day has been a good one

[SH_]

Hi Phoebe,

Thank you for checking in on me.

It was a challenging day, but it is going to end on a great note. I have both of my girls here and we are excited to have some fun together.

I will journal this evening some of my challenges, but now I need to get to dinner with my lil angels.

[Phoebe]

I'm sorry to hear that today was difficult, but I'm very happy to hear that you have both of your lovely Ds with you this evening. I know it must be very hard not to have your youngest with you all the time.

The roller coaster ride is no fun at all. I hope you'll have a smoother ride tomorrow.

[SH_]

Journaling,

It has been 3 days since my last anti anxiety med, so I feel that this is a good thing.
The un restful nights continue. Went to sleep at about 10pm woke up at 1230, asleep at 1, then up at 315. I was awake mostly until getting up at 415 to go jogging.

The mind got stuck in a depressive loop of all my failures in my MR, then it skipped to my failures in career, and life. I even felt sorry for WAW having to put up with me. Then the mind raced to all the things I need to get accomplished, and all of the obstacles, then I hit a low for self confidence. What a ride the mind took all morning.

I was also feeling very exhausted throughout the day. I know this played a big part of the mind vacuum or maybe the mind vacuum was the reason for the exhaustion?

Either way the mind was cloudy and my energy level was almost non existent.

Thank goodness for the end of the work day and the opportunity to pick up my d's and spend the evening with them. I received a text from WAW telling me to pick up d5 at her home and asking if she could have d5 on Sunday for Mother's Day.

This evening was wonderful. We had dinner, did some homework, did some hula hooping, watched the Minions and said a prayer before bed.

These are the nights that recharge my battery and while I feel tired right now, my mind feels some confidence that I can do this and accomplish some other things as well.

I am extremely grateful for the lil angels that are my daughters.

Sleep tight everyone, as tomorrow is a new day, with new challenges and new opportunities.

[Rose888]

Yay for three days with no anti-anxiety meds!

I love reading about your interactions with your daughters.