Depressed to WW

[LiM]

When we told our kids that we were separating, I cried and my wife sat there emotionless. They were upset to know that my W would be moving out. Had you asked my kids for their preference at that time, they would have preferred that I move out. But SO much has changed since then. My R with my D's has become amazing. My W started out doing a lot of things with them and they would go over to her house to spend the night on weekends (I insisted that they be home with me every school night since I take them to school in the mornings) but over time, she has really dropped off in the amount of time she has spent with them. My kids now who their rock is. They know I am the one that will always be there for them. Her interaction with them in the past month (since I filed for D, A got exposed to OM's W and we started piecing) has actually dropped off even more. They've not stayed the night with her even once. But I think all that is ok. My W is busy coming to grips with what she did and how much that hurt everybody. She needs some time to figure out how to make amends for all that. She'll be moving back in soon and we'll work on rebuilding our family.

I would just say that you should let your W put any of the blame on you. When we told our kids about the S, I allowed my W to say that WE had decided to S when in fact it was solely her decision. I would insist that you W tell the kids that this is HER decision. Then you just need to work on being the best dad you can be. It will be hard for the kids but they are resilient. They just need to be loved.

[Scotch]

LiM,

I've been doing my best focusing on the kids to get me through the days. It helps to keep my mind in a good place as much as it can be.

We stated talking about how to tell the kids this past Friday. As much as I prepared myself, having notes on what I wanted to say etc., I found myself in a state of disbelief as we were talking. She started talking for maybe 15 mins or so with me listening. She was bringing up points that I agreed with until we got to school and living arrangements. She wants to say our kids will be in the same school and my counselor advised not to say that unless we are 100% sure that will work out. Just to not disappoint them more. She tried saying the kids could go to her sisters house (to stay in district) after school. I pointed out that neither one of us have even started looking at places to stay and have no idea where we will end up. She said she would make it work picking up the kids from there, to which I said what if that doesn't work for my situation. She didn't like that.

Then she brought up visitation. In IL they changed the law, there is no more visitation per say. But she wants me to get the kids Tues and Thurs and every other weekend. I told her that will not work. I want them for a full week off and on. This again made her very upset and she broke down crying. She said I didn't even want kids and now she is going to be punished by not getting the kids for most of the time. She says that because it was her idea on having the kids. Not exactly fair, but I replied, Why do you think I had kids then? She replied, because you loved me so much. I hope she heard herself say that!

So we basically called it a night after that, and are picking it up again tonight. She still wants to tell the kids this Fri.

We went out of town this weekend as a family for my sons baseball. We got along pretty good. My one buddy who knows whats going on leaned over at one point and asked if everything was going good and was shocked that nothing has changed, based on how she was interacting with me. Talking, laughing at times etc.

[LiM]

This is a tough one Scotch,

I'm glad you are standing up for yourself (and your kids). Dont let her bully you. Your kids are the MOST important thing right now. Make decisions based on what is best for them; not what is best for you or your W.

[twinmom]

Scotch, at one point my first husband (oldest two boys, married 12yrs then super fast divorce) and I split custody like this
Me, every Tuesday & Wednesday
Ex H, every Thursday & Friday
Then we would rotate the Saturday/Sunday/Monday
That ment that one week I would have kids 5 days in a row and then the following week he would have 5 in a row. We always have had 50/50 custody but this calendar rotation worked great as the kids never went more than 5 days without seeing us and it lessened the back/forth.

My kids go to a Catholic school so it doesn't matter where we live but I would pick a school system and promise the kids they won't have to switch schools. It will give them some extra sense of security and stability.

[Scotch]

I feel pretty strong about getting a 50/50 split somehow. No reason it should t go that way. Obviojsly she thought I wouldn't disagree or wouldn't want to be bothered. Still have to finish going down that discussion and the money talk as well after we get through this

We sat down tonight and didn't get much further. She didn't have anything written down to go over besides the notes she had from Friday. I actually was surprised. I thought she'd have a script started. She asked what I wanted to say as if I should take the lead on this. When I replied that I was expecting her to have this more thought out she said what, do you just want me to take the blame for this because I will. I said no, not at all. But for the gravity of what we are about to tell our kids I thought you'd be a little more prepared that's all. I got the sense that she wanted to wing it a bit. I said I dont think that's a great idea we need this written down. So she is goin to do that and talk again tomorrow. She seems like this isn't that big of a deal for them in a way. Confused on her thinking

Twinmom I thought of you tonight about getting out more. I came home and she offered to cut my hair which was long over due. After that I got fixed up and left telling her that I was going to the store. Just drove around a bit to get out of the house. It made her think thkugh. She said oh is that what you call it. I said I'm not sure what you mean knowing she was trying to be funny that I was going out to see a woman. She said I hope she likes your hair cut and laughed a bit. I think she expected me to respond. I just got my shoes on and left for an hour or so

[Scotch]

Thinking back over the past 2 months or so its seems like she pulled away more. I've said before she is a very determined person. Gets her mind set on something and wants to follow through. I'm second guessing my approach with her.

She supposedly stopped talking to the EA OM. Can't prove it either way. But is she still thinking about him and getting back to talking with him and thats what driving her to keep moving forward with this? Trying a maybe with another guy who can tell her anything he wants because he has nothing to lose, instead of a M with 4 kids? Is this her driving force? In some ways she feels more distant. And yet in the middle of this, we have times were we laugh together and get along, short spurts mind you.

She agreed to TELL me her plans instead of just putting them on our calendar without verbalizing them to me. Another boundary I set this past week. It seems I get these mini boundaries but nothing seems to be working towards the R.

Is this how it works? Patience right? "I'm done trying". "I don't want to try anymore". "I don't want to talk about our R". All ringing in my head. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't see any movement from her since this started and maybe its gone the other way.

Patience right?

[LiM]

Thinking back over the past 2 months or so its seems like she pulled away more. I've said before she is a very determined person. Gets her mind set on something and wants to follow through. I'm second guessing my approach with her.
Patience right?

This is my W to a fault. Being determined and following through on things is generally a good trait to have. But when it becomes the primary driving factor at the expense of logic, then there is a problem. And when there is an OM, there is NO logic. Common sense goes out the window. My W started her A and then became set on S. We probably did need to S and have a cooling off period but because she was in the fog of the A, she made some very poor choices. She rented a 3 bedroom house with a 1 year lease and filled it full of new furniture for her and our daughters. But my daughters have stayed with me through this whole ordeal. There were probably a lot of ways she could have S that wouldn't have had as many financial repercussions.

Dont second guess yourself. IF she is still involved in the A, there is no hope and you can't truly evaluate the effect your changes are having. She'd got to come out of the fog and the A has to stop before that can happen. If you are not seeing changes in her, you should probably assume the A is still active. I didn't see changes in my W and it was because the A was still active and I didn't know it. One week after the A was exposed to OM's W, EVERYTHING started to change. Stay the course. Keep doing what you are doing. The process works.

[Scotch]

Don't second guess yourself. IF she is still involved in the A, there is no hope and you can't truly evaluate the effect your changes are having. She'd got to come out of the fog and the A has to stop before that can happen. If you are not seeing changes in her, you should probably assume the A is still active.

Yeah not being able to know makes it tough. This is the EA and the guy is in Houston right now. So any contact is texts. The problem is it's been texts this whole time so he's getting to her emotionally. I saw he posted in March on his Instagram page about a concert he went to with her as friends after high school and said something like still have feelings for this hottie. (I just threw up in my mouth).

LiM, I'm just wondering if I'm not seeing changes I need to change what I'm doing, give it time or maybe I'm not seeing what's happening clearly. I know no one knows the correct answer. And yes, her logic is wrapped around this process and not "feeling" whats happening in the process. Frustrating. Deep breath... keep moving forward.

[twinmom]

Scotch, work on detachment more. As in not constantly trying to evaluate if your plan of action is "working".
Your plan of action is ultimately to make YOU an amazing person not control your wife.
If you separate and even divorce is that a dealbreaker for you? What I mean is maybe she does need for the marriage to truly end before she can work on her issues, and turn back to you for a healthy new marriage.
Example..... my ex husbands parents divorced when he was in 4th grade, they dated other people/were completly done with their marriage. They then started dating again his freshman year of college. They never legally remarried but wear rings/live together/are committed to each other for the past 15 years.

Let her go, don't script this conversation so much that you're spending more time/energy planning it then you will spend actually having the conversation. I know how badly it hurts, trust me I remember the pain, I still feel the pain.

What are some of your W 'complaints' that you agree are areas that need improvement in yourself? Let's make a list and start working on YOU for the simple fact that you WANT to be a better person.

[twinmom]

You're in Illinois right? Near Chicago? There are sooooooooooo many opportunities for charity work, free things to do with the kids, things to do by yourself, meet other people..