GAL going well. Need help with LRT and 180

[bigybiz]

Melo: Thanks for your note. I guess the deeper I get into this the confusion springs up. For me the 1st step was realizing that the more of the same was not working. Step 2 - was kicking my own butt Now Step 3. It breaking/changing the`usual patterns and behaviors in the MR. So as I've been changing things about me - I've been trying to change what is expected. For me that requires some "mind reading" If she does this, she expects me to do this. Therefore, when she does this - I need to do something different.

I really do feel great. My body is in great shape, I love what I'm doing with my kids, I have been taking care of the work in the house that is long long overdue and I've been GAL. Seeing friends, buying a motorcycle, etc.

So now, I think I'm ready for anything. Yes, I love dishing out the unexpected. Don't get me wrong it's hard. Yesterday, she pulled something. I was already to fire back and revert to my childish ways. Instead, I took the high ground - I did not even mention it to her. At best, she was relived there was no fight and worst she thinks she can walk all over me. But, I was a great example to my kids, took care of business and did not let it bug me. Don't get me wrong it tool 45 mins to reset - but I did it.

Do I sound like I'm on the right track? What do you think my friend.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

Thanks for the detailed answer. Lots has happened since the last post. I was feeling that there was some positive response to my actions above her new job feelings. She has noticed changes in me, she was participating in the house repairs and she was taking an interest in me. Then there were a few setbacks and she told me she is moving out by the end of May.

I was hurt:

1st I started pursing

2nd I got a little hostile and angry

3rd I started dreaming up all the negative, retaliatory, actions I could think of

Then I said stop. I remembered I have to stay the course.

My confidence is up, my body looks great, I've got two new suits, a motorcycle coming, the house looks so much better.

I have to continue to make myself attractive and keep on doing what I'm doing. I'm going to put a push on my business, keep going with the house projects. I know everyone likes someone who gets things done. I'll review your early post and I might have some more questions about how to turbo charge my LRT/180.

When I think about your earlier post about confidence and what kind of man women find attractive, I realize that I have to do that but play to my strengths. I'm not James Bond but I'm not a wimp either. I'm kinda the hands on, creative, energetic, guy. I'm having troubles making a formula that will make me super attractive.

There are two things I'd like to do to keep my GAL that might require more cash than I have, but I will keep moving forward. I'm also trying to have a regular - "game changer". Today I had my hair relaxed. Next week I might start a self defense class. How are those for the way to make myself more attractive?

[bigybiz]

Help needed. For a week of so W and I were talking regularly about the details of our lives - i.e. $, house, kids, activities, etc. It's now died down. I don't want to be a nag and try and force her to reengage. Any 180 ideas on how to get her to reengage without being confrontational.

I thought about giving her the file of bills to pay and say - her it's on you?

We were actually making some progress as far as my own goals of talking daily, a little bit of R talk and sharing, etc.

Need help kick starting.

[Rose888]

How long has it been since the talking died down?

It might have nothing to do with you. Maybe she's wrestling with things in her own head and that is making her too inwardly focused to engage.

My only suggestion is to completely kill the R talk and see if that make a difference.

[bigybiz]

Rose888:

Thanks for your post. It's been a few days (4 or 5). She proposed that we meet daily for 30 min to talk about $, kids, house, etc. It's a stupid pattern that I can't seem to come up with a creative way to break. She suggested we do this, I have to nag her - then we start again. If I just go about my merry way - then its me being pushy, irresponsible, reckless, etc. Then I get flack for spending too much etc. But, she won't build and track a budget with me either.

You are right - she is wrestling with things in her own head. And she is detached and unhealthy involved in her work and online communities to the expense of everything else. She is hiding from the reality of leaving and staying. As Sandi2, Cadet and the others say she is having her cake and eating it too.

Many of my GAL and 180 tactics have been working. I'm just struggling on this one.

[Melo]

I think you over think it sometimes biz. Sounds like you are doing great. Just make sure you are really doing these things for you and not because you are trying to get some reaction out of her. That relaxed confidence in and of itself will make you more attractive. Women are real good with sniffing out fakers, if it's just a front, she will see right through it. I struggle with it too brother; I want to see that what I'm doing is having an impact on her, but as long as that's my goal it never will.

[Rose888]

That sounds super frustrating.

[bigybiz]

Melo & Rose8888.

Thanks for your post. I must say I really need to be thankful. I spent some time today ready a few other people's posts today and I realize how lucky I have it. I read many stories of people who are struggling with affairs, long distances, interfering relatives, blood thirsty lawyers, etc, etc.

My W and I are not at each other's throats. We spend time together as family and have a very nice time. We eat most family meals together and we do not have any real/scary fights. The only real tension is about money and our past hurts. And we have not been to see lawyers. The inhouse Sep was at first torture and now it's quite calm. I do think her detachment and my increased confidence has really been the formula. And for me quite hopeful.

I need to say right here - my increased confidence is not because of anything I've done. It's totally because of my asking God to change and shape me.

Yes, Melo I am looking for her reaction or non reaction. I've read DB and DR a few times and MWD says many times do the opposite, change anything, keep making changes, monitor results. That is what I've been doing and it has chipped away at her resolve.

Rose888 - yes, now it is getting super frustrating. She see's I'm making changes and she really is having a hard time saying to herself I'll never change as she see's I'm GAL and moving ahead. But, I've run out of road. The house projects are done, my motorcycle is coming this week, she got her dream job - so the end or the beginning is coming close. I'm ready for her to leave and if she goes it's all on her. So now talking about budgets and past R issues are much closer and bigger.

So yes, it's super frustrating. But, I'm up for the challenge. I just need some creative ideas.

Melo you are right - if I was being phony everyone could see it a mile away. But, I know what I have done for the past 48 years has not worked. So I'm trying to throw out that book and do almost anything new.

So who has some good ideas? I'd really like some "game changer" ideas. MWD says change anything - I'm willing to try. As I said, I'm on the right path. I've had some setbacks - but I'm moving ahead, for me, my kids and hopefully for her.

[SH_]

Hi bigybiz,

Check out Meetup. It is a site that will show you groups in your area that do all kinds of things. You may find some things you used to like to do, or some new potential ideas. You will meet new people, and can make some new connections in the community. Just an idea that may actually give you many ideas for GAL.

[bigybiz]

Thanks SadHub. I've been using social media lots to try and extend myself. I met a nice occasional running partner, I'm looking for courses and classes. My GAL is going well. Keep the ideas coming. I'm really looking for ideas on how to change the dynamics of our relationship. I've had some success, I can truly say my W is seeing the changes I've made in myself and that I've been physically working to keep my family together, happy, safe etc - despite the fact she says she is leaving.

Thanks for your support.