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ImAwake Offline OP
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I just read in another thread about in house separations typically not ending in reconciliation. If this is true, should I be pushing more for a physical separation? Advice was given not to leave the MBR or the house, which I still haven't. However, I have a feeling W will not separate and will drag this out. At this point I am honestly ready for change. I do love W and would prefer the change to include her, but this doesn't seem possible right now. If staying in the same house is going to reduce the chance of reconciliation, I would want to start heading into a physical separation. Please share your thoughts on this.

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ImAwake - you were perhaps reading my thread. My WW stayed in the house painfully eating cake for several months. She's moving out today although I just checked the security cam and she's still in the house right now.
I got very tired of it and just wanted for her to make up her mind one way or the other. It was very uncomfortable for both of us and in some ways harder for her. While I dreaded coming home and finding her gone I also dreaded coming home and finding her there. She felt the same way.

I have no clue at all what finally pushed her over the edge to move out though so I can't help you there. I know that earlier on I'd offered to help pay rent and startup costs to no effect.

The important thing I personally believe is that you stand YOUR ground.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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AndrewP, yes it was your thread I was reading.
I hear you on the cake eating. I can feel and see some of that going on with my W. I have made it a point to not jump at the chance to be helpful like I would have in the recent past. Although she seems annoyed, this is really helping with my self respect.
I opened a new personal bank account yesterday (we always have used joint accounts) which felt really good. I had let her know about it ahead of time, but I don't think she thought I was going to. She seemed upset about it, but didn't say anything. She left the house with a lame excuse and didn't come home until 3:30am. Although I was worried, I didn't msg her like I usually would. I am so proud of myself, I woke up in a great mood today because of it. Zero reaction and a genuine smile on my face as I went to sleep.

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I suppose I should start a new thread, because a new chapter has started. Me and my W are back together!
We had a little rollercoaster ride and a long talk yesterday. She asked many questions and expressed herself. I answered all of them openly and honestly, even some big "life questions" that I have never expressed to her. I validated well and gave hugs for comfort where appropriate. I had some questions for her aswell that got cleared up. It's clear that both of us are going into this cautiously, which for us at this point is a good thing. We have made up before (never separated before this though) with the "fresh start" idea, but we never really learned anything new to maintain that idea. I made it clear that both of us need to continue to work on ourselves and not put these helpful tools down just because we are back together. As I mentioned before she has started reading some self help material which I think inspired this change as well as my difficult DBing! I wish I had found this forum earlier in this process, but I am glad I did when I did. It turns out she had already started the process of a D. I think she expected me to be upset when she told me, but I told her that it made sense because I was feeling like we were coming to a crossroads as well.
So I have my ring back on, and I told her I am going to have to get her a new one which of course she is happy about. She's moved back into the MBR, although she looked nervous when I suggested it. But I get it. I got my first kiss/kisses in almost 3 years! Yeah, it's been a while. I held her while going to sleep, but didn't sleep that well unfortunately. I feel like it's going to take some adjusting to this new R to really feel totally comfortable with each other. I don't want to rush into everything too quickly and forget to continue working. I am making it a point to post updates here and keep personal notes to keep me on track.
I would just like to say thank you to this community for all the support, tips and personal stories. It really pushed my progress over the plateua that I was at. It gave me strength to keep going when I wanted to quit, and for that I will always be grateful.

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Both of you will need to stop doing the bad behaviors that got your MR into trouble. Like, drinking and flirting with others......texting & emailing "friends" of the opposite sex. That is not what a couple needs to do if they are trying to have a better M. I hope you will avoid going places that encourage those behaviors.

It won't be long before you will be tempted to fall back into those old patterns. It is not easy changing unhealthy patterns in life, but it is so worth it.

I hope you two will find a really good MC to guide you to stronger and happier grounds.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandi!
Yes during DBing I made it clear that texting or calling "friends" of the opposite sex is not acceptable to me in our relationship, especially given our history. Yesterday that point was discussed again and we agreed that neither of us should be doing so. We also talked about not going to dance clubs anymore. It's a bad scene for us and has always ended up badly. There are more fun things that we would like to do together and also more family activities instead of just me and her looking to party/distract ourselves. She has not been drinking much when going out surprisingly, and I have cut way back as well. Without the club scene, avoiding alcohol abuse will be easier. But we still need to be on guard.

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Now W seems to be taking a step back. Saying that she's not sure if she wants to give me another chance. She sent my stress level through the roof. Ive gathered myself together now, but it seems like its going to be more of the same. The only problem is we are "together" and sleeping in the same bed. We also had great sex that makes this even more confusing.

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I guess I'm reading into this too much. I know she is unsure of the future and so am I. We had a conversation that was too deep for both of us yesterday. So I think that sent her running a little bit. How do I handle this? I made it a goal not to distance myself once she decided she wanted to be with me. This is a 180 from my usual behaviour in the past. She has expressed before this that she wanted me to chase her. Now that she has moved back in the MBR and decided to try, I thought chasing her would be a good idea. But I am second guessing this now.

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Not sure if you've tried it before, but is now maybe the time to find a good marriage counselor, while you're both in the marriage but maybe struggling with the how of putting things together? Just a thought. I know MC doesn't work if both parties aren't engaged and wanting it to work, but your sitch seems different (and positive!).


Me: 46
W: 44
Married: 17
Together 21
D13; S10
BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you)
Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage
Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
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She has been against MC and also IC. She was reading self help material, but says she is unable to focus when reading. It seems like she wants to prevent her own progress. She has talked about internal conflict, that she tells herself that she shouldn't be trying to work things out and questioning her every move. Although she says she's just hurt and harbors no resentment towards me, which is laughable given her behavior.
I knew this wasnt going to be easy, but I think I set myself up secretly being hopeful and expecting a breakthrough moment.

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