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Beware the sneakiness and manipulation. Don't believe what she says. Softening? Still wanting you out of MBR? Still wanting to separate? It sounds like she is trying to nice you out or soften to get you on board. I only say this because, my WW did all of this to me. My WW also refers to everything as hers. She also attempts to get the kids to call her house home and my house daddy's.


Ralph88
Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9
2013 B drop 1, EA found
2016 B drop 2, EA/PA?
2/16 Physical Seperation
2/16 I filed for D
4/16 PA Confirmed
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Ah ok, that makes sense. She kept saying "that's why I have to separate" during our talk even when it didn't always make sense. I guess she was trying to get me to agree. I told her that I would respect her decision, but that she knows I don't agree wth it.
I'll keep an eye out for sneakiness. Thanks Ralph88!

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The WW tends to want you on board to separate. That way it's a mutual decision and helps ease her guilt. I missed the boat in that one and was kind and left. It you don't want to separate, don't. Don't leave the MBR or the house. Let her make her own decisions. Once my WW was separated, she started saying things like 'if we ever get back together', even though we are still married.


Ralph88
Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9
2013 B drop 1, EA found
2016 B drop 2, EA/PA?
2/16 Physical Seperation
2/16 I filed for D
4/16 PA Confirmed
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So an ongoing theme in W wanting separation is her idea that she can't work on her issues while in the same house as me. She realizes that she has work to do, but she's putting the roadblock of separation in the way of her starting to do it now. I say roadblock, because at this point financially it would be impossible to separate and expect to have the life style we have. I think all of the repeated separation talk is her looking for a way to get me to leave her. I honesty feel she's too spoiled and lazy right now to think about making a sacrifice to leave.

She complained about my lack of communication when leaving the house. She said it is just common courtesy telling someone when you leave. You would even tell a friend if you were leaving to go do an errand. I agree with this, but I'm trying to work on GAL and detachment. What do you guys think?

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W has officially moved into another bedroom. She set up a little nest with our oldest daughter. She hasn't been getting angry much lately, and hasn't said she wants to be separated since my last post. No R talks either. She has been doing more around the house than usual. She hung up my clothes for me which she hasn't done in a long time. I notice her leaving little things of hers around our room. She still lives out of our room/bathroom, but it's funny. She left her nail polish out, so I moved it to her side of the bathroom when I cleaned up. Later in the day it reappeared in the same spot. It's like she wants to leave her mark or something...but I'll stop analyzing. I just thought it was interesting.
She had purchased a date night type thing a while ago. I told her I wasn't going so she went without me with our mutual friends. It felt good to not feel obligated to go with her. She seemed to have fun and stayed out late, but I didn't pay much attention to it. I have some projects to keep me busy when I'm at home.
All seems to be going well on the outside, but inside I feel like I'm losing all feeling for her. I look at her and I just see a person. Not a wife, not a girlfriend, not even a friend really...just a person that is the mother of my children. In the past I might have been sad about this, but I'm not. It's just how things are. However, I think there is some underlying fear that I won't be able to love her anymore.

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She says she wants me to fight for her. I told her she has made it clear that she is "done" with me and wants to separate. I asked why would I keep trying to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me? She said because deep down she really loves me but she doesn't want to let her walls down anymore.
I don't know what to do about her anymore. I feel like she's just trying to draw the nice guy out of me so she can slam me more. Any of this sound familiar? Any suggestions?

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It's been a long while. I've had some hard times with W recently, but also had a good talk with her yesterday. She has always texted other men "as friends" and now recently was getting way too close and "friendly" with one of our mutual male friends. Other close friends have come forward to say they have noticed this in the recent past. I stood up for myself and told her that this is not acceptable. I told her I don't want her texting any male friends, no matter what the intentions are. She knows I have never liked it, but I never really told her not to. I also told her she needs to not be so close and friendly with other males, and that it comes off as flirty. I said if we are married we shouldn't be thinking about seeing anyone else. If it comes to a divorce, then obviously we would be free to date. Now that she is a little exposed and others are seeing her differently, she seems to see a problem as well. She knows she needs help, and I am encouraging her to do so, but made it clear that it shouldn't be talking to another man or her friends about her problems, but actual IC or self help. She agrees.
We have some R talk initiated by her. She is still "done" and wants to separate. The more she talked the more I could see her trying to test me. I could see it in her eyes..."I don't think I could ever come back to you"..."I think maybe we should just get a divorce because it seems hopeless"..."I can picture you with someone else, even though that hurts to even think of you with someone else"..."you will always be my first love"(crying). I'll admit I shed a few tears on that last one, but I feel that I validated well, and told her I know it is a sad situation. It's so hard to hold back and not blurt out something hopeful when she says anything slightly positive (love). I held up pretty well and let her talk. Any mention of being separate or divorced I just said that's a decision she has to make. I'm not sure the best way to respond to that without seeming like I'm waiting around for her.
I am talking about separating like its going to happen, planning to separate finances soon. Getting myself prepared and GALing as best I can. I have some simple daily goals of exercise and spending time with the kids. Also meditation, although I havent been sticking to that well enough. I have many hobbies that I can enjoy, but always got guilted into minimizing from W. Now it's different though, I have given myself permission to be me again and I'm going for it.

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Just a few Facebook posts from W and it sends me spiraling down. She posts/likes things that can be taken personally, seen by our friends for them to add their own assumptions, but vague enough that if I said anything she could easily explain away. I have always viewed her as an innocent, but now I am starting to see her manipulation surface. I actually recovered from the spiraling within a few hours, which is a marked improvement for me. Also no reactions at all for her to see! However, I am having a hard time not mind reading and thinking about how my actions might have an affect on her. It comes and goes. I still have a lot of work to do.

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What were you doing during the two months off the board?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I didn't even realize how much time had gone by!
I was thinking things were going well so I kind of fell off the detachment a bit. I'm back to reality and see that she is rebelling even more now that I confronted her about being "too friendly" with our male friend. I am detached more than I have ever been. I was continuing to go out with her and hang out with our friends, but that has stopped. I'm going as dark as possible (being in the same house makes this difficult obviously), but still treating her kindly as a friend would.

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