Hi everyone. I've been lurking here for a while, and have been applying the rules and advice I have read here with a little success. But I need some advice on where to go from here. My wife has always been extremely insecure about me straying and in the beginning of our relationship I have here good cause with flirty behavior and porn addiction. Recently i have been struggling with moderating my alcohol intake and being extremely flirty with other women when we go out. She has had enough and told me the first time a year ago that she wanted to separate. Since then it has been a horrible cycle of me trying my best to be her "perfect husband", her pushing me away, me getting frustrated at her not accepting these positive changes and getting drunk...repeating mistakes, and rounding it out with her pushing me away even further. When I stopped drinking for the past month, this seemed to make her even more angry and distant, and she has left out marital bed just a week ago. I have backed off, stopped texting, stopped affection, stopped catering to her every grip, and stopped saying I love you and being sweet in general. This definitely got some negative attention from her. Up until she had said she wanted to separate, I wasn't really a present husband. So distancing doesn't seem like a 180, but more of the same...but it is a 180 from my behavior of the past year being the major pursuer. She complains about all of my new behavior, and I remind her she is the one that wants a separation and left out bed. I get the feeling I shouldn't be reminding her about this? How do I respond to her complaints when I am clearly not trying to pursue here anymore? She continued to say she doesn't want to be with me and she wants a separation. Last night she started to open up a tiny bit and Im thinking I did well with validating. I was laying in our bed and told her to lay down with me and I held her for a while and we had a great talk...progress?...no. We took a car ride to get dinner for the family and she went right back into separation land. She says she wants to start over, but can only do that by separating first. She tells me that I should be the one to leave since it will be easier with the kids for her to stay. I tell her if she wants to make that decision, then she will have to make it without me because I don't agree. She had ordered me out of our bed because of her "bad back" but I told her no, especially because of the way she is trying to control and order me around.
Before I go on typing 10 pages, let me get to it... If the end goal is to have a better relationship and be supportive of my wife and get the same support back...at what point should I start giving the good things back to her? The affection and love that I have for her now. Where do I go from here?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
She tells me that I should be the one to leave since it will be easier with the kids for her to stay. I tell her if she wants to make that decision, then she will have to make it without me because I don't agree. She had ordered me out of our bed because of her "bad back" but I told her no, especially because of the way she is trying to control and order me around.
Good job being firm about not moving out of the home or marital bedroom! You mentioned that being distant wouldn't be different and was one of the things she is complaining about. You can be detach without being cold.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
If the end goal is to have a better relationship and be supportive of my wife and get the same support back...at what point should I start giving the good things back to her? The affection and love that I have for her now. Where do I go from here?
Sorry you are here ImAwake but its a good place to be given your current situation. I know that detaching and being "distant" seems like more of the same but what you have to realize is that right now, she doesn't want you. She's done with you. It doesnt matter how much you are "present" for her right now because she doesn't care. She's checked out. So you have to turn all of your efforts and attention inwards and focus on you and you alone. You've admitted to some issues. We all have them. Start there. Start fixing those things. Not to win your W back or because you think it is what she wants to see but rather because those are things that you know need to be fixed and that you want to fix so that you are a better person. Detach, 180 and GAL. Be genuine in the changes you make. Do them for you and you alone. She will notice and they will make a huge impact IF you are genuine about making these changes. When do you turn back on the love? That really depends on her. She's got to show you that she's checked back into the R. You'll know it when she does. But don't jump back into the R with both feet at the first sign of thawing. Take your time. Go slow. You didn't get here overnight and it won't be fixed overnight. Be patient and be thankful for the baby steps. S isn't the end of the world if it happens. It may even be a good thing. If she S and see's that you continue to make meaningful, lasting changes in your life, it could turn everything around. I know its painful but just focus on your right now. You can't control her. You can't make her see the light. If you are REAL in the changes you make, she will notice them. Do you have the book? If so, read it. Post often. Ask for help and update us on your situation.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Thanks LiM. Some good advice, especially taking it slow when she shows signs of thawing. I needed to hear that.
It seems like our talk on Sunday night helped a bit. W was very pleasant when I got home and through the night. We will see how today goes.
I think I missed the point before of not being cold, but detached. I didn't really have the difference clearly defined in my mind, but now I can see some things that I could improve to reach that balance. Thanks Cristy.
This stuff really works! I had already been doing some self help including a 180 on the alcohol usage and GAL before I heard the term here...but Michelle's relationship seesaw and detachment ideas have really made a huge difference in my W. This plus validating has brought her one small step out of her resentment fog. Last night she had another small melt down, which triggered her to say a few things about me being happier with someone else. My response was much different than what she is used to. I said if I did find someone else to be happy with, it still wouldn't be the same as me and you. She was speechless. Later that night I was doing my thing and I get a text from her saying we need to talk more about that comment. I came out and told her to meet me in another room, neutral ground. She very humbly asked me if I had found someone else already. This usually would have come in the form of aggressive accusations, followed by getting cut off when trying to say anything about it, but this was different. I told her no, and that I wasn't looking for someone else. She expressed feelings open and honestly and I validated better than ever. She started to give me compliments about me being a good guy and deserving to be happy with someone else. Hmm. I asked if she thought she should not be happy, and she said she didn't think she would ever be happy. Then she went on to apologize for specific things she had done in the past! I did my best to keep it cool, because I was shocked. I had not gotten a heartfelt apology for at least 2 years for anything. Inside I was thinking that was big! I told her I know that took a lot for you to say, thank you. But I had already forgiven you long ago. She was stunned. The talk went on for a while, I made it about her because she is in really bad emotional shape. So I talked about her getting help possibly with a therapist, but she doesn't want to. So I told her she can come to me anytime she wants to talk and I'll listen and hear her. She said ok and gave me a hug, but it still seemed a little forced. Later that night I heard her crying in the bathroom. I went in and just comforted her. She started to open up again, it was amazing. She talked about insecurities and her fears so openly and I responded/validated well. She asked questions that sounded like she is really to make small steps back into our R. We agreed that we will take it slow and try to make something different and new. I told her I don't want the same unhealthy R that for us to this point, she agreed. We stayed up way too late talking and neither of us wanted to end it. But eventually we went to bed. She's not in the MBR, but it seems like she will be soon enough. Slow and steady is good! She also said she still wants to have time to herself and I agreed that I wanted my time too. In our old R she was extremely clingy, so this was nice to hear. She seems to be making progress on herself too! So it's going well. I did say I love you at the end of the night out if habit, without getting one back. It made me feel dumb, but that's ok. I'll try to save those for a long while. I woke up and I felt strange. Almost like it was a dream and it went too well to have been real. I honestly didn't think this would ever happen, so I'm a little bit confused. Kind of like, wow what now? So I'm not expecting anything right now, either way. It's a new day and I'll roll with whatever comes.
