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#2673489 05/02/16 08:05 AM
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DigIt Offline OP
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Ok, where to start...a little background. I've been with my W for 9 years, 3 of them married. She had a son at a very young age, father is completely out of the picture. I've basically become father to him (he's 18 now, 10 when we met).

Things were going great for a few years, I moved into her condo and slowly stepped up my game as a parent, with her approval. (Didn't want to overstep my boundary so early)

She then decides to go back to school to become a nurse, which I encouraged her to do. I was in school when we met, and that kinda motivated her. She found a work-from-home job to do while she was going to school. This is where I first noticed things.

She was extremely involved with school, and put the marriage on the backburner. I understood, she wanted this. I wanted it for her. But we didn't communicate very well how to balance everything and just kept on as-is. I had some selfish resentment about it, for sure.

So, fast forward, I get a house, she has finished school. She had gotten a nursing job, but kept her other job, which took up a lot of her free time. Now she went back to school. So she's working 2 jobs and in school full time. During this time, I had developed a problem with prescription pain killers. Not directly a result of us, more of a recreational habit that I lost control of. I didn't tell her about it. Felt terrible and also alone. We kept on like this until she brought up her dissatifaction with us.

That's when I came clean and let her know what was going on with me. She had no clue. But damage was done and she wanted a separation. Finacially, it made sense for me to move out. Most of her family is in Europe and mine are in town, so I move into my dads.

During this time, I went thru a lot of soul searching. Did some therapy, I kicked my drug habit, have been working out. She then says she wants a divorce after a couple months, she just feels we have grown apart and there's no coming back for us. Of course I'm crushed, but I deal with it on my own.

Around Xmas time, she decides that divorce is premature, and wants me to move back in. I do and we start trying to re-connect. It seems to be going fine for a month or so, but then she tells me its not working and that she's been trying really hard, but nothing is changing for her. She loves me but is not in love, all that.

So now, she has purchased a condo is moving out. She doesn't bring up divorce, so I'm not entirely sure she's 100%. I've read The Divorce Remedy, and would appreciate any insight or words of encouragement.

As for me, I've taken my life back, I'm focused on me right now. Exercising, going out, always wanted to ride, so I bought a motorcycle. Jus doin' me. Over the last few months, I have noticed a change in myself, and I'm ready to tackle our marriage issues, but right now, she is not.

There's a lot more to it, as I'm sure everyone knows, so if something doesn't make sense, I may have left something out.

Thanks, and great to be here! I'm reading a lot. A lot.

Last edited by Cadet; 05/02/16 08:20 AM. Reason: Book mention not allowed as per forum agreement
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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DigIt Offline OP
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Thanks. That's what I'm working on now. I'm trying to detach, but don't want to seem cold. I'm trying to find a happy medium, as we are still living together until her condo is ready.

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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DigIt Offline OP
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yep. I have the book. About 1/2 way thru it. Reading a little bit every night when she goes to bed. It definitely calms the nerves and its great (not so great?) to see others here that understand.

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I've basically stopped trying to even attempt to work on our marriage, because in her eyes, its over and she's trying to move on. I'm 100% focused on me.

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Originally Posted By: DigIt
I've basically stopped trying to even attempt to work on our marriage, because in her eyes, its over and she's trying to move on. I'm 100% focused on me.


Working on your marriage sometimes means focusing on YOU.

You FIX your 50% of the marriage and become a person only a fool would leave!

Make your goals work towards this objective.


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DigIt Offline OP
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That's exactly my stance. I'm on me, I told her she can take whatever she wants, its just stuff. I'm putting up zero fight with the split. It feels weird, but sounds like the thing to do.

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I'm finding it difficult to narrow down my goals. I know I want my marriage to work, and I know I'm working on making myself happy. But I'm having trouble with listing concrete goals , any advice?

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Originally Posted By: DigIt
I'm finding it difficult to narrow down my goals. I know I want my marriage to work, and I know I'm working on making myself happy. But I'm having trouble with listing concrete goals , any advice?


What things do you want to change about yourself?

I know when I started this process I had no clue either,
however turned out their was a lot to learn.


Me-70, D37,S36
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