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job #2681298 05/27/16 03:44 PM
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Isn't it funny how your brain can take control of your mind? I felt tired and my brain said no don't go out! So I texted H to see if he could look after kids (very last minute), he said yes so no more excuses for me not to go out! I don't regret as I went on my own to the pictures! I had a great time ( although I'm not sure my hips liked it!).

Had a bit of an unsettled day and I have noticed that it always happens when I'm due to see H when he comes to see kids. So one of my target is to challenge those negatives thoughts as I have been on my own for 14 months and I can do it! Hip hip hooray captain Rouky.

I have a busy week ahead of me (despite being on holidays as it's going to be packing party!). In 3 weeks I'll be in my new house. Well I hope so as sellers seem not to reply to some of my queries! Normally I'd be beside myself and a wreak, not now! I can't control it: worst case scenario kids and dog will leave with H while a friend as offered me to stay at her house until I can move I to new house.
If I overlook what my life has been for the last 14 months I'm impressed with how much things have changed in me ( I'm still in process of becoming a better me!). I have done things I'd have never been able if I had still be with H. I have met lots of new people who have helped me or show compassion and kindness towards me a total stranger to them. Yes it does hurt to do all those things without H, fortunately all this has been a good kick in the backside. Yes it has cost me my M, but I have grown to live in the present, to love myself, to show more compassion and I kindness as I'm slowly becoming who I want to be.

Most importantly I have learnt to love myself, be myself around others and not a pleaser! I have also faith in a better future for me.

LIFE DOES REALLY BEGIN AT 40 :-).

Rouky #2681316 05/27/16 05:31 PM
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Very nice Rouky! Your new life is beginning at 40. It is wonderful that you are being yourself because there is no one better to be. There are tons of us looking for someone just like you and the right one will find you. Not ever having to pretend is a wonderful feeling. Have a great weekend!


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Ah Rouky, I do feel proud of you, reading your post above - and I do agree that you are very much captain of your own ship!

It is true that so many positives come from these difficult times and it is important to see them and appreciate them, and build them into our lives going forwards.

Wow, so your house move is just around the corner - nice thing to look forward too...I'm not too far behind you!

Take care and enjoy the holidays xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2681838 05/30/16 02:54 PM
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Can't explain why but since last week I have felt a shift in me. Could it be me starting to pack and getting rid of loads of things, or could it be my two besties friends showing me how much I have grown mentally and spiritually?

Both my friends told me about how much I have achieved for the past 14 months, how strong I am and both made me laugh by telling me to stop devaluing myself! They are right: I have been able to deal in a dignified way with my H's betrayal (ok minus the few times where I lost it but as a whole I did well!), deal with my mum cancer, my dad heart surgery, my two kids ( keeping life as normal as possible), my full time job, asking for legal separation, attending a family wedding, selling my house, and buying a new one! So I think I can pay myself on the back :-).

I also feel I have grown into a better person that I'm loving to see. I'm content with my life, still not 100% happy yet but I feel I'm on my way. I'm getting less stressed for things that would easily set me off, I'm changing my way of seeing things from always negative to positive ( still a challenge but getting better by the day), I appreciate a lot more what I have and being thankful for what people do/ did for me.

Don't misunderstand me, there are still days when I have a little cry (mainly because there was a trigger), although in general days are getting better and I feel stronger. I have been able to admit to people that I was/ am depressed but that I'm also on the path to recovery!

On H's side. Not much to say. I'm more cordial to him. Lately he tends to stay a bit longer in the house. H cleared his stuff and I noticed that he hasn't thrown any pictures of us, nor my Valentine's card ( but then again he might have put them in a bin bag and dumped them at his GF's house), so I'm not reading into it much. Tonight I saw shock on his face when he saw that I had already packed quite a lot of boxes and that I was selling everything. I'm wondering if the consequences of his actions are starting it hit home! I saw one of his auntie in town and she says she had never seen me so happy in years and that his cheating was probably the making of me! She might be right as I had several people telling me how changed I am!

Regarding H I'm in a place where I'm not really bothered either way and I carry on with my life. I have invited him for tea but I made it clear that as he would be spending quite some time doing the garden this is the least I could do as a thank you. I'd have/ did the same for a neighbour, so I don't see it as an issue.

I have been on a couple of dates, but nothing came out of it, except that I had a good time and that I met new people.

So there we go, I wanted to say to people that despite the breakdown of my M and my desire to save it, DB is about rediscovering who I was, accepting that everyone has flaws, that life has a lot more to offer and that despite all the heartache, the pain, the sleep depravation, the cries, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that light is us being saved and becoming a better us.

Rouky #2682116 05/31/16 04:15 PM
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Hi Rouky! Your post makes great reading! I am so happy to read that you are feeling this way! Not long to go now until you are in your new home. I can't help wondering what your H's reaction to that will be.

You have come such a long way in a relatively short space of time and you're right to be proud of that! The fact that people (even H's relatives) can see how happy you are is great!


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
inpain #2682365 06/01/16 01:00 PM
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Detachment is gone down the drain! Just had a blazing row with kids'father . It is just so hard to love someone who doesn't love you! It all started because we talked about holidays and it didn't had up! So I challenged him, then it went down hill from there. We both were very aggressive and we both wouldn't be wrong.

Now I'm realising that H has actually checked out a long long time ago and there is nothing that I could have done. I did tell him that at the time I was depressed but didn't know how to deal with it, he said that he also had his problem to deal with! Thanks mate: you lost your mum but I had to deal with my dad's cancer, a toddler and a newborn! As you said they rewrite history!

Rouky #2682381 06/01/16 02:10 PM
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I have calmed down now and I can think clearly enough to see that there is no point hoping for R. I don't like OW but I didn't like the comment he made about her. He said that it won't be his problem if he cheats on his OW and just laughed! I really felt uncomfortable for her.

H said that several times he tried to talk to me but I wouldn't listen to him, that every time he tried to suggest something I'd be negative. I told him yes that he was right but that I now realised that I suffered from depression but didn't get any support from him. To which he replied he had his own problem to deal with.

H doesn't like being wrong. It's always the others faults never his! He doesn't like confrontation, and he is an conflict avoider.

Why can't I see that this relationship was wrong from the beginning! Why can't I see that I deserved better! H has even recognise that he feels that my job isn't as valued as his because I have the luxury to have more holidays than him! I work really hard to get my degree and to be where I am!

The funny thing is that when I challenged him about the amount of holidays he has left, he said that he hasn't have to justify himself but still has given me an account of his days' left! What a plonker!

Also H looked surprised when I told him something and for a minute I saw a glimpse of old H! He said that he'd not help me move and that it was my fault if I'd be homeless as I didn't ask him to come and view the first house that I had to pull out. I told him that I did a survey and asked him for his advice but he didn't reply! Then a couple of minutes later cane back to say that he'll help me move ! I guess his guilty conscience played a part in it!

Also H is annoyed because I told him that he'll need to have to kids staying with him until the house sale goes through! He said that it couldn't work with his work and he thought that I'd be living with his dad. I kindly replied that his kids haven't seen him for over a month now!

All this started as I'm moving in 2 weeks and the queries I had haven't been addressed by seller and I have been on their case since beginning of May!

He said that I have started this conversation to have a fight as I'm stressed about the house business. I said yes I am but not due to lack of pestering solicitor and that if it wasn't for his actions, I'd not be in this situation!

I know I shouldn't have but I sent him a text asking him to read about depression because we both suffer ( me less as I'm seeing the end of the tunnel) from it but refuse to acknowledge it!

When he came round he didn't look that happy either. I have noticed this a couple of time now. I can't save him. He isn't learning from his mistakes when I pointed it out to him that it has destroyed not one but twice his own family! I guess he won't be staying round much now. Didn't even say goodbye to kids and they didn't asked where he was! Like my IC said he was staying a bit more round because he was feeling comfortable, I guess now he won't :-).

He said that the kids were ok, and I replied thanks to me because I have kept the disruption to a minimum for them. I also added that when they are older they will learn why we split up and he said that it wouldn't matter because they probably would have a different opinion! What a loser!

Thanks for reading my rant. I want to journal it, so in a couple of years when I read them I would be able to see how far I have come and grow!

Rouky #2682395 06/01/16 02:47 PM
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So, you've had a rant w/your h, now let it go. You can't fix him, nor he be willing to listen to what you have to say about depression, especially if you are pointing out that he has depression. Right now, he thinks he has all of the answers and no matter what you say or do, you will never be the one that is right on anything until his fog clears.

Rouky, it takes years to develop any kind of a civil relationship w/the MLCer. Yes, he left the building a long time ago and is far ahead of you in the detachment arena. The best thing you can do is to keep the focus on you, your children and your pending move. Leave him in God's hands.

Always remember, you can't rationalize w/an irrational individual, especially one who is stubbon and thinks that they are right all of the time.

Keep the focus on you!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2682420 06/01/16 05:34 PM
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Can't sleep as I'm getting worried. I'm due to move out of my marital home in 2 weeks but the people I'm buying from aren't responding to my solicitor's letters regarding an extension that they built. I'm getting worried I'm going to be homeless! Kids and dog will go with H, so I'm ok with that. A friend said that I could stay at hers. H said that he'd help me to move but withdrrw his offer then offered it again. I don't know if I can trust him.

Going to ring later on several removal companies and storage facilities to see what I can get in such a short time! H said it's my fault if I'm in this situation. I shouldn't have pull out of the first house. To make matters worse, in the worst case scenario I'd arrange to move in FIL empty house! I haven't heard from him for a month now.

I don't know how I ended up in this situation! Hang on a second, yes I do H cheated on me forcing the sale of marital home.

Rouky #2682527 06/02/16 04:18 AM
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Breathe!

Definitely have a back up plan w/respect to moving. You can't rely on your h to help you. If he gets a bug up his behind, he could very well tell you again that he won't help.

Also, you need to sit down and figure out where you are going to stay just in case you don't get the answers you need concerning the extension that was built. I wouldn't plan on moving into FIL's empty house, especially if you've not heard from him in quite a while. If the friend's offer still stands, I would take her/him up on the offer as it might just be for a short period of time.

You've got this...get your back up plans in place today.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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