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Rouky #2675900 05/10/16 05:12 AM
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Work is a good way to take the focus off of your situation at home. I hope that you are feeling better today.

NC is for you. It helps you to detach a bit more each and every day so that when you do have contact w/your h, you don't react quite as suddenly as you did at the beginning of the crisis. I think it's working for you because you aren't reacting the way that you use to.

As you walk the path, the rose colored glasses will begin to slip and you will see a few things that you tended to over look in your relationship w/your h. We all accepted the flaws and over looked things along the way, but when you step back and can actually question some of those flaw and/or quirks, it really makes you think about a lot of things.

In time, you will find a way to forgive him for what he's done...but it's going to take a lot of time and patience to do so. To walk around w/that kind of emotion bottled up will eventually make you an angry and possibly a bitter woman...again, it's not the right time yet because you are still dealing w/him and his behavior. You'll never forget what he's done...but it will be a distant memory, i.e., like child birth.

You are right where you need to be at this time. Live in the present and enjoy the gift of time. The future is far off and will only be revealed when the time is right.

Take care.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2676443 05/11/16 01:14 PM
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God has his funny way of doing things. Today woke up not thinking about H and throughout the day, every time he popped up in my mind I challenged that thought and he was gone. I have been avoiding H tonight when he came to see kids ( well don't think I can say kids because he was clearing the garage, so didn't spend much time with kids!), unfortunately when I came back from singing he was in the drive as I was coming out of the car. He started to say that he was clearing the rubbish from garage. He apologised for not being able to look at me because he had injured his eyes. I validated by saying I'm sorry to hear that. Then he moved onto telling me that he'd leave things for me to have a look at if I want to take in new house. Then he asked me if I was sorted out for moving, I told him that I was moving on my own and renting a van, but he already knew that as he told me that one of my brother in laws who was supposed to help me can't do it! Nice for him to know in advance that BIL won't help and nice from SIL to tell me this! Then he offered to help me move but said that he'd not enter my new house. I don't have really much choice but to accept as everyone I asked to help me seems to disappear in thin air! I thanked him and said that I'll let him know.

Then he carried on talking about things in the house, and where I should put my boxes. It was a very cordial chat and it really hurts as tonight I saw my old H and yes I'm sad as I'm not as detached as I thought I was! I'm glad he offered to help as I would have never asked him to help. Also I know that he didn't help his first partner to move when he left her. I guess he is learning for his previous mistakes! Or he is just feeling guilty because he knows I have no family here! Before he left he told me what he was going to do with the stuff he put in his van! I don't see why he'd want to tell me that.

When is it time to give hope? When is it time to give up? As I don't do R talk nor talk about OW I don't know what is going on. A part of me want to believe that my M is salvageable, whereas the other part truly believe it's over. I remember his sister telling me that I can't make someone who doesn't love me to love me, and she added even if we were getting back together he'd not make me happy!

I'm not 100% happy but I'm not 100% unhappy! I'm ok at the present time. I'm worried that I have too much hope and that I'm beingvery naive to think that I could be a success in putting back together my M.

Rouky #2676468 05/11/16 03:20 PM
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Rouky,

You have every right to be sad. If you weren't, then I would be concerned. You are grieving for the death of your old marriage, you have to move and reset up somewhere else and start over again. It's not easy and you are only human, so feel those sad feelings and then release them.

I'm glad your h has offered to help you move It's funny how people say that they will help you and then when it's time to pack up and move, most of them disappear.

You will know when it's time to give up hope. You aren't ready to do so just yet...but in time, you will know.

For now, continue packing and moving forward.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2677545 05/15/16 07:06 AM
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Life follows its journey. Still have up and down days although the pain seems to be less strong and fading away as time goes by. Didn't get much GAL this week as I was really tired and not sleeping well. Got woken up by thoughts about what I could have done to change the course of my M, but quickly came to the conclusion that I could have done nothing.

I saw H quite a lot this week. He came an extra day on Thursday as he sold an item and I asked him to be there for collection. The funny thing was that I wasn't much PMA as I was really tired but he didn't look good either! He tried to move something by himself, I offered to help him (despite wearing nice clothes as I was going out for a date), but he declined it. I saw he was struggling so decided to give him a hand. I wasn't expecting a thank you so I was fine with this. Then he asked me again if I wanted his help to move, so I said I'd accept it but he made it clear that he'd not enter my house. I thought to myself you have ready mentioned it, so I know! We have decided to split the cost of the removal between us, and this made me realise how tight H is. Always on a look out for a bargain, don't me wrong as I think it's a good thing but with him it was like that all the time. I like a good bargain, although at the same time I like to buy nice things not always looking for a discount! TBH this is so weird as I was always putting extra money in joint account as H was always spending for things that we didn't really needed.

I have been packing and I was pleased with myself as I was able to look back at photos, cards I got from H when we first dated/ got married. I was sad looking at them but no tears nor real deep sadness. I guess I'm on my way to truly detached! IC also commented on how she had noticed changes in me from when I started. She reckons that I have a hard time at letting go because I have this fantasy about the past ( when we were in love and happy) and I can't seem to detach from this! I know she is right as I have seen glimpse of old H lately. H is a strange person as he has been saying to his family that he isn't living with OW, when in fact he is! Is it that he is ashamed of himself or her?

Went on a date. It was a good night as I was back to who I'm (but still work in progress). Went with no expectation, and haven't heard from that person since then and I'm fine with it. The old me who have sounded desperate and pursued him but not this time.

I'm slowly getting there, and I hope everyone had a good weekend.

Rouky #2677550 05/15/16 07:14 AM
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Rouky,

Sometimes we have to take a break from GALing and it sounds like your body was telling you it needed some rest. You are so right...there's nothing you could have done differently in your marriage. You loved your h unconditionally and you did everything you were suppose to do and yet, his crisis was still going to happen no matter what.

Oh, yeah, he's tight about money because he doesn't want to spend it on you or w/the moving. He would really prefer to spend it on himself and fun times. They really do become selfish in all ways when in crisis. I'm glad to read that you both were able to work together over the weekend. Hopefully the packing will be completed and you can move into your new place and make it your haven of comfort.

Your attitude about the date is great! You went out and you probably had a good time. You kept your expectations at zero and look at you! You are fine w/the fact he's not contacted you yet. Yes, you are slowly getting there and you know what? I think you are doing just fine.

Keep up the good work!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2677616 05/15/16 11:42 AM
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I'm very proud of you Rouky! Your strength is shining through. You will survive this and better days are coming. I know there is some really nice boy who will sweep you off of your feet and take care of you in the manner that you deserve. Letting a man do the pursuing is natures way and I am glad that you understand that. I hope that you have a great week and have plenty to smile about. Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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My kids made me laugh today as they told me that when they went out at the weekend with their dad, he told them that cheap is the way forward. I couldn't stop laughing! This has made me realise that H isn't in MLC as when we first started dated he was always on the look out for cheap stuff. Was impressed by him as he came and cut the grass without me asking him to do so (ok he didn't spend time with kids & was in a rush to go after he did it), so I thanked him.

It's funny how I react. Yesterday and today I was fine and getting on with my life, until I got a text from a friend talking about my situation and that has spoilt the rest of my day as I couldn't stop thinking about H!

I don't know how to behave when he is around. I keep reading and getting confused in what to do. There are some advice to go NC ( which I am at the moment but for my own sanity), whereas there are other about being friendly! I remember H telling me a year ago (BD time) that I was distant and cold towards him (so was he!), so I guess NC isn't good as it only reinforce his feelings about me, but on the other hand I don't want to be friend with him as separated/ divorced people are hardly friends. So I'm not too sure on which foot to stand! Now that financial side has been sorted, there is really no need for him and I to communicate (apart for the children). I keep remembering what my SIL told me a couple of month ago: " you can't make so rom who don't love you, love you" and she added "even if you were to get back together, he'll never make you happy". So I guess H has told her that he doesn't love me anymore and it was her gentle way to tell me to move on and start a new chapter without him! Is it time for me to draw the line?
I know I still have feelings for him but is it real love or just the thought of loving who he was before he started to go off the rail?

Rouky #2678016 05/16/16 01:43 PM
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Hi Rouky, who knows what was said to SIL and who's bothered what she thinks should happen? It's what you think should happen that matters.

You don't sound ready to throw in the towel (if I may say.) Like many of us, you are still flipping about - which is fine - but I think we need to get to a very sure and settled place within ourselves where we fundamentally know moving on is the right thing.

As for how to behave with your H - just follow the DB guidelines I say. Be like a woman who has a life, has plans and is generally happy in her life without him. Upbeat, breezy, limited convo, validates, moves off on to something else as she's busy etc....

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Rouky #2678027 05/16/16 01:52 PM
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At least he mowed the lawn and you thanked him. That's a good move on your part. Maybe he had something to do or was afraid that you would bring up the relationship and he didn't want to hear it. I do think that if he continues to come around and he sees that you aren't pressuring him in returning home, he may stay longer each time.

I'm sorry your friend spoiled your day. You can always change the subject and not talk about your situation w/this friend.

I do understand how you can become confused by the advice, but each situation is different. If your spouse has stated that you are cold and indifferent, then NC or going dark may not be the way to go. Try something different the next time he contacts you. Ask about his day and appear interested in what he tells you. Mention something that you know that will interest him and share a bit w/him about the children's day. However, you will need to stay away from relationship talks for now.

As for your SIL, take what she says w/a grain of salt. Yes, your h may have said something in passing, but he's unhappy and people will say things that they will later regret. Sometimes people mean well because they want you to move on w/your life and cut your losses, but they aren't walking a mile in your shoes and until they do, their advice is just lip service in my opinion.

Rouky, you are the only one that can decide when it's time to draw the line. I wouldn't make any decisions based on what your SIL told you. Make your decisions when you are calm and feel ready to do so. I, personally, don't think you are ready to draw that line in the sand...but that's my 2 cents.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Rouky #2678033 05/16/16 02:09 PM
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Originally Posted By: Rouky
My kids made me laugh today as they told me that when they went out at the weekend with their dad, he told them that cheap is the way forward. I couldn't stop laughing! This has made me realise that H isn't in MLC as when we first started dated he was always on the look out for cheap stuff. Was impressed by him as he came and cut the grass without me asking him to do so (ok he didn't spend time with kids & was in a rush to go after he did it), so I thanked him.

It's funny how I react. Yesterday and today I was fine and getting on with my life, until I got a text from a friend talking about my situation and that has spoilt the rest of my day as I couldn't stop thinking about H!

I don't know how to behave when he is around. I keep reading and getting confused in what to do. There are some advice to go NC ( which I am at the moment but for my own sanity), whereas there are other about being friendly! I remember H telling me a year ago (BD time) that I was distant and cold towards him (so was he!), so I guess NC isn't good as it only reinforce his feelings about me, but on the other hand I don't want to be friend with him as separated/ divorced people are hardly friends. So I'm not too sure on which foot to stand! Now that financial side has been sorted, there is really no need for him and I to communicate (apart for the children). I keep remembering what my SIL told me a couple of month ago: " you can't make so rom who don't love you, love you" and she added "even if you were to get back together, he'll never make you happy". So I guess H has told her that he doesn't love me anymore and it was her gentle way to tell me to move on and start a new chapter without him! Is it time for me to draw the line?
I know I still have feelings for him but is it real love or just the thought of loving who he was before he started to go off the rail?


Hi Rouky! Thank you so much for your posts on my thread, I appreciate them so much!

Interesting about H coming to cut the grass. Is that the first time he's done that in a long while? I wish I had some incredible advice to give you about how to behave when H is around, I feel I owe you the same amazing advice you always offer me, but when I read this post it was like I had written it myself!! I feel exactly the same re: divorced/separated people hardly being friends, yet also feel that NC shoves my H further away.

It is so tough to decide when to draw the line too. I wonder if my feelings are just memories of feelings from the past too. I do think Job is probably right though, and that when the time comes for us to move on, we will not be questioning if we should, we just will. I hope so anyway, because I for one am tired of this merry-go-round of feelings towards my H and I haven't been on it half as long as you have. You are such a strong lady to have been able to keep at this so long.


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
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