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#2673460 05/02/16 06:59 AM
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Rouky Offline OP
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Here is the link to my previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...255#Post2673255

Just reporting.

Hopeful is how I woke up this morning. H still occupied my thoughts but not as long as usual. I really can feel and see a shift in me regarding my situation. Looking back since the birth of out first child, H never really offered me any support. So why would I want someone like that in my life! I have been single for 13 months now and even if at times it's hard, I still get up to go to work, still look after my kids, still carry on with my day to day chores, so truthfully I don't need him. I have stuck to my values and I'm doing my best to correct what needs to be within me! Hard to do and to look inside yourself!

H turned up at the house an hour earlier than the time he told me he would, and he wasn't really in a rush as he took him another 30 minutes to leave the house! I didn't see him physically as I was getting ready. He asked me to order few things for him and that he doesn't want a piece of furniture that he said he would have. I left about 4 hours before I sent him a text saying that he should order what he needs then I'll refund him and as he wanted that piece of furniture he could sell it himself! Was so proud of me and I did question why he wanted me to order something for him when he could do it himself and why he came earlier but in the end I let it wash over me.

Also I have decided to move the rest of his belongings in the garage, and it felt good to do it!

Had an emotional time at Reiki and as a result I feel more calmer, more serene, more at peace. I can't really explain it but at the moment I'm feeling hopeful. Today I have given up on the idea that one day my H will get consequences for his actions and that now he has his life and I have mine and that he'll never be punished/ or face consequences for what he has done!

I think that was what was holding me back and kept me going round: I wanted to hope that he'd wake up and realise his big mistake and we could start a new relationship, and if not that he'll be somehow, somewhat punished ( can't find another verb to express this feeling) right away. I'm learning that it'll never happen and that it was only hurting me not him.

I won't lie and I still love him but at the present moment I don't think I would want to go back with him. I know for me to heal I need to go NC but also think that he has passed away so we can get back together! I don't see what the future holds but I'm learning to live in the present.

Rouky #2673468 05/02/16 07:24 AM
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Rouky,
You can always have hope that your h will one day wake up. His journey is a long one and no one knows if and when he'll come to the crosswords of whether to wake up on continue to live in the rabbit hole. It's okay to think about him and your marriage because you two had a long marriage and it's difficult to suddenly snap your fingers and it all goes away. However, in time, you'll come to realize that in many ways, this crisis has put you on a path of self discovery as well.

If you feel good about moving the rest of his belongings into the garage, then by all means do so. Make the space yours, as you are the one living there and do not need the constant reminders of him all around you.

I'm glad Reiki helped. You sound much better today and I hope that this feeling of calmness will continue for you in the days ahead.

Rouky, you do not want the old marriage back...you want a new and improved one and that is what everyone who comes here to strive for. You are learning to forgive and also dropping the rope so that you both can move forward on life's path. If going NC as much as possible will help you, then do so.

I think you've come a long way and I'm very proud of you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2673589 05/02/16 12:34 PM
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Hi Rouky! Love the title of your new thread! I'm glad to read how much better you're feeling about things. It is very hard to come to the realisation that you no longer want the person back as they are. Some days I feel like that and it breaks my heart and then others I am as resolved as you and ask myself why I would want someone in my life who doesn't want to treat me and the kids well. Stay strong. We have to keep believing that things will be a whole lot better some day soon.


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
inpain #2673648 05/02/16 02:52 PM
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Hi Rouky,
I just registered but reading this forum for several weeks already. I find it very helpful.
It's great that you feel much better. I tried reiki 2 weeks ago & it seems it helped. When I read your post it seems our feelings are similar. I also feel like my husband never really supported me that much since our kids were born. Replaying the years of our marriage, realising how selfish he was/still is... I feel like I don't want him back but I'm not yet ready to give up either. For me it's still relatively "fresh". On the other hand when I read here the success stories, it seems it takes a lot of time for husbands to come back. I'm not sure I'm that much patient... Keep positive & let's hope for the best (no matter what "the best" is - for me it's still not clear).

Bee29 #2674000 05/03/16 01:32 PM
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Bonjour Rouky. Como sa va? I hope I said that right. I hope you are doing well and finding reason to smile. I hope that you hear the birds singing and smell the flowers in bloom. I think of you every day and pray that you are well.


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Warning, I'm in a venting mood!

Got submerged by flood of anger tonight towards H! I have kept it for too long inside me as I though it was the right thing to do! No it isn't! I haven't sign for that ship when I got married! I didn't sign to bring up my kids on my own while H has a jolly good time with slug. I have done nothing wrong to deserve this, I had my flaws which have been revealed when all this happened, but by no means I am a bad person who deserves to suffer like this!

I have been venting a lot to a friend who was in the same situation as me and bless her she listened and tried to support/ validate my burst of anger! H is a selfish and self centered man who uses and abuses people trust/ love for him. He doesn't deserve to have a lovely life with his mistress! He is a coward as it's far too easy to run from problems than actually sit down, discuss them and try to resolve them before introducing OW in marriage.

How can he leave with her knowing that he is still legally married? How come his subconscious is telling him that what he is doing is ok? How can they both look at each other and be happy that they have wrecked a family!

I'm way better than her: I have morals and values, I have family values, I have a better paid job, I can speak 3 languages, I'm intelligent and I don't see the point of going out every Saturday night and get hammered as an enjoyable activity! I'M CLASSY ( maybe not after this post). I'M WAY BETTER THAN HER!

Here are the facts: H is an idiot, a lowat, immature, selfish man. He might be good looking on the outside but not so good on the inside. He left his two families, he goes a out a lot, doesn't help with anything, can't save any money, and he has become every thing he dislikes in his dad! Would a person in her right state of mind want someone like him? H despite living with OW and commenting on OW's FB page (been together for 3 years but I suspect 4) hasn't introduce her to any of his family member! That he waits for our kids that's good! OW's brother is a very good friend of H's sister. H has bought a house but now I suspect he has bought it only to have kids staying there when he has them, and has no intention to live in! Why would he when he has OW slavering around for him!

I'm done, I'm off this roller coaster. I don't want to save my marriage anymore as there is nothing to save. I can forgive but not forget what H has done. He isn't a man, just a big piece of chips :-)! I don't need him as I have been able for the last 13 months to do everything on my own! I was depressed because I thought that my life was over, that nobody would love me and that I'd be single for the rest of my life. You know what I'm no longer afraid of this. If it's what God wants then so be it. My life and it's future are in his hands.
Apart from that had brilliant day at work and I'm going back to being me!

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Shotgun thanks for checking on me. You are always on my mind and I wonder how you are doing.

Rouky #2674036 05/03/16 03:44 PM
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Here! Here! Rouky! I applaud you for getting this off your chest! I think it does us good to let these feelings and thoughts out sometimes! We are only human and cannot possibly be as perfect as DBing requires every minute of every day going through the worst time in our lives. Every word is absolutely right! OW cannot hold a candle to you!

You sound so like me, I too cannot see the pleasure in going out and getting blinding drunk as an entertainment. I'd much rather have a fine meal and a conversation! My H looks down on me for not finding getting drunk an enjoyable activity. In fact, it is one of the things he has said he doesn't like about me since he left, that I don't like getting drunk! I think it just goes to show that they are having a crisis. That kind of behaviour is something that is done in your teens when you are single, not when you have kids. You are worth a thousand of OW, I'm sure!

I know what you mean about fearing you'd be single for the rest of your life. I still fear this. I hope that one day I can get to the point that I don't fear it, as you have.

You are doing brilliantly at this and at life the last 13 months, if H can't see how amazing you are then that is his loss! You have even made me feel a little stronger reading this, thank you! IP


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
inpain #2674077 05/03/16 06:35 PM
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Thank God!


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Rouky #2674201 05/04/16 07:01 AM
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How are you doing today? You needed to vent because the anger has been simmering for quite some time. You are the prize and you don't need this man in your life right now. He's a hot mess and is a selfish, self-centered spoiled brat right now.

Rouky, live your life to the fullest and always remember...YOU ARE THE PRIZE! One day, he may come to realize what he lost...but by that time, you have moved forward by leaps and bounds and he'll have a heck of time catching up...but that's his problem...not yours.

Please take care of yourself!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2674368 05/04/16 04:10 PM
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Let it go, Let it Gooooo :-)! Can't take that song of my head but what a day! I'm starting to understand the term detachment, what a nice feeling it is. Started to think about H and OW and suddenly heard myself saying WOW step back lady and let it wash over you! It was literally liberating! Few people reminded me of my situation today, it stung me but it wasn't like a digger in my heart! Healing is on its way.
H texted to say he'll be late, so managed to get a sitter to look after the kids while I was at my singing lesson, then went to the pictures on my own! Rouky is back as it's what I used to do before I met H: I'd be at the pictures every week ( even on a student budget!). Thanked H for letting me know and told him about the arrangements with baby sitter, and guess what he was earlier than expected! Wasn't too happy as I had to see him as I'm NC, he asked me if I was ok, cheerfully said yes (didn't even look at him) and left!

You are right Job I'm the prize and now I'm slowly getting back on my feet emotionally. H doesn't define who I am. As one of my colleagues pointed out, I'm a lot more out than I have been in the last 8 years! If I had stayed with H I'd not be doing that and she is perfectly right!

I have done two things I liked today and I'm feeling good!

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