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reb2817 Offline OP
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He started an argument with me today. And I fell right into the trap. He says I made is life miserable and now he is happy. He is mad that my 8 year old daughter doesn't always like to go with him and he thinks it is my fault. They have scheduled times and sometimes she cancels on him. And he blames me. And she says she doesn't like to go with him.

So he let me know how bad of a person I am. Which means nothing coming from him. And he is filing for divorce. And he hopes I find someone new.


Me 46
H. 48
M 28 T 30
Bd 6/11/15
Sep 10/27/15
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Reb,

I know how hard this is. The words coming out of his mouth sting, but there is a reason one of Cadet's welcome intro/advice/homework pieces is "don't believe anything they say and 50% of what they do". Basically, it is akin to a three year old shouting "I hate you!" to their mommy.

In this situation, as hard as it is, you validate his feelings. No "buts" included. "I'm sorry you feel that way", "I made you miserable? That must have been a very painful thing to realize." You don't have to agree with the sentiment, you're just agreeing that he is having those feelings. Let him vent. Be an active listener. Let him know that you are hearing him. But don't defend or fight what he is saying. If it becomes too much, excuse yourself and walk away.

It sounds crazy to do this, but when your H is being unhappy, a lot of the time its because HE is unhappy and taking it out on you (you are the person he is closest to), not because you are actually the root of the problem. By listening and validating rather than reacting to him, it sometimes not only difuses the situation, but allows him to feel heard. And that may help build trust in you as a comforter and friend again. Research validation and active listening. Keep DBing. Ignore the divorce talk right now. And just breathe.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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reb2817 Offline OP
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Thank you. We have not spoken for 6 months and then he started picking fights with me. And I know better. I should not have argued back. But it's like he could not stop trying to get my attention Then when I fought back. He again turned on me and walked away.


Me 46
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Sounds like a true MLCer. Always mad at us but according to them they are soo happy without us. Yet they always find a reason to try to bring us back into the fold. Best thing you can do is take care of you and your kiddos. Let him go and let it be his mess Mine uses D as a weapon for me to give into his wants.now that i let go and let God he doesn't get a reaction anymore and it baffles him.

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reb2817 Offline OP
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mine is also using D as a weapon. He told me to find a boyfriend and be happy.
I was so mad I told him I already had one. He didn't even care.


Me 46
H. 48
M 28 T 30
Bd 6/11/15
Sep 10/27/15
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reb2817 Offline OP
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I have been reading a lot. But how is it possible that my husband of almost 30 years cares so little about me and wants me to date. Can he really feel this way. I am having a bad day I guess. He seems to be happy without me.


Me 46
H. 48
M 28 T 30
Bd 6/11/15
Sep 10/27/15
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reb2817 Offline OP
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For so long we shared everything. And now we won't help me financially unless he has to. He wouldn't even buy my daughter school shoes because that's my responsibility. He does give me child support but won't help other then that.


Me 46
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Bd 6/11/15
Sep 10/27/15
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reb2817 Offline OP
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He did send an email saying happy Mother's Day. I'm not reading anything into it.


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Reb, I am so sorry to hear what your going through, it's good to hear that you've stayed strong, she needs your stability in the family.. Do your best to look at him as someone other than who you where married to for 30 years, that's not him... Hold on to the good memories, it was a big part of your life, but don't associate them with him, he's not that person right now... I'm slowly being able to cry about the memories of my W, but when I Stand in front of my WW, I try and only let my memories go back a month, filled with anger towards me, it helps me be the level headed, grounded one... Today at least, we will see if I can do it again tomorrow, one day at a time..


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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reb2817 Offline OP
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Thank you. Some days are better then others. Im sure you know what I mean. I see threads that say this could go on for 2 years or more. I have been doing this so long before he even left I don't think I can stand that long.


Me 46
H. 48
M 28 T 30
Bd 6/11/15
Sep 10/27/15
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