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@darknes, yes, they are measurable. However, I plan to document each day how I achieve each goal. The sum being greater than the whole after a period of time.

Last night was brilliant. I put my phone off. WW came in at 3am. I created a physical boundary in my bed so that she could not touch me, as I didn't want her to touch me. My stomach tightened sooo badly when she came in but quickly cleared. I slept like a dream, had more than 7 hours.

My WW tried to call me at 2am and sent an SMS to say that she wanted to talk when she got home. But alas,my phone was and will be off from now on.

All in all, I think last night was a great start. Will see how I can hit all 5 goals today.


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Originally Posted By: DDJ
@darknes, yes, they are measurable.


No. These are not goals.
1 - Detach
2 - Improve myself
3 - Understand boundaries and implement some.
4 - Appreciate the little things
5 - Lose CONTROL

Well, I suppose they are goals. But they are the 30 foot hole. As an example, you cant just say "Im going to lose weight". That doesnt just happen. You say "Im going to eat 1300 calories a day, Im going to go to the gym 5 times a week, Im going to cook my own meals, etc." Then, as a result, you can achieve "I want to lose 30 pounds by September 1."

What I mean is you cant just say "Im going to detach." That isnt a physical thing you are going to do or not do. There are small, incremental steps that you can plan and achieve that will lead to detachment. "I will not start unnecessary conversation during the day, I will not check the tracker, I will not check Facebook, I will not raise my voice..." and so on... Then in a couple of weeks or months, you can reassess these goals, see how you did, and see what changes you can and should make for the future.

Thats what you need to define and set out. You need an actual plan. Not just a collection of lofty buzzwords.

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I don't think that I can break those down into smaller things. I already am doing everything at the same time. If I state, no checking tracker - achieved. No starting convos - achieved. I will not get drawn into an argument - achieved. I will not satisfy my WW sexually - achieved.

I'm losing control, understanding boundaries, improving myself through disciplining my son and seeing what I've done wrong all these years. In terms of appreciating the little things, well thats probably me affirming and validating my WW. Cos I definitely never appreciated the small things she did.

So it's a very long road ahead. Many months but I know if I do the small things that it will make the big difference that I need in my life.


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DDJ,

Do you have any goals for activities that you can immerse yourself in? Doing something that you enjoy, particularly if it's with other people, would probably help you with the goals you've already set for yourself.

I'm just mentioning that because I need to do more of that stuff myself. I have some constraints because I have children, but I can include them in some of my GAL activities.

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Originally Posted By: DDJ
I don't think that I can break those down into smaller things.

Then how will you judge if you did it successfully?

If your goal is to "eat healthier", and you go from ordering a double cheeseburger to a single cheeseburger at every meal, have you achieved your goal?

Originally Posted By: DDJ
I know if I do the small things that it will make the big difference that I need in my life.

I thought you said that you cant break your goals down into small things?!




I get it....setting these goals is tough. It's difficult to set plans; it involves a lot of self reflection. It involves a lot of admitting to yourself where you need work. It's time consuming to set plans. It's time consuming to assess your plans.

It's easy to say "I need to detach", "I need to do better", "I need to give up my need for control".

Which do you think is more effective?

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Originally Posted By: doodler
I have some constraints because I have children, but I can include them in some of my GAL activities.


So does DDJ.....

But theres plenty of GAL stuff you can do with kids. Library, parks, museums, etc.

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Doodler, you can for sure involve the kids with your gal. Mine often does, I get up and take baby out. I think it helps shield them from some of the chaos.

Ddj, it looks as though we had a similar night with our WS kudos to you for keeping her away. My h was like a dog at bone, I think he enjoyed the challenge


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In terms of baby steps, I think I'll wing it until I can see real objectives coming to the fore. Going to be more efficient than effective for now. I realise that I love being out and watching live sport. Just came from a 7's rugby tournament. Was nice getting lost next to the pitch.

I met a doctor who was there to watch her boyfriend referee. It was so refreshing to meet someone that was so in awe of someone else. She even said "that's my heart out there on the field." it gives me belief that there is love after D.

My WW is drinking with her always wayward sister, even though she's on meds. I guess everything is an opportunity to rebel. Im with my son at my mother, don't want him around liquor anymore. I always used to complain about my drunk wife putting my son to sleep. Never figured that she didn't have to - I could rather. So coming home in time to put him straight to sleep so that he does not have to be with her.

I'm seeing every interaction with my WW as a chance to detach, validate, affirm or lose control. It really helps me, cos I gotta figure out which one is best.

Oh, and sandi, my old lady / neighbour living with me is getting way too touchy, I think I'll report her to the cops.


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Originally Posted By: DDJ
In terms of baby steps, I think I'll wing it until I can see real objectives coming to the fore.

Thats kind of what I thought. It comes across like you are going to keep doing as you feel and hope that you catch on something/anything that initiates some spark in your W to either file for D herself or make some change.

It isnt that easy.

Theres no magic bullet. Theres no special trick. It's weeks/months of measured, consistent behavioral change. Thats your best bet.

To do that, it starts with you. It starts by looking inside and making your own changes. You say you want to "improve yourself". How can you do that by "winging it"? How do you even know what to improve? Youre going to discipline your son? I dont think thats all thats needed here......


Originally Posted By: DDJ
I'm seeing every interaction with my WW as a chance to detach, validate, affirm or lose control.

No. Your whole life is a chance to detach, validate, affirm, and lose control.

Your interactions with your wife are opportunities to showcase your changes.

These are life skills. Not only skills to mend relationships.

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Very true darknes, I am procrastinating. I'm going to try and work through those objectives tomorrow as it's bedtime for me. I am finding myself detaching from my son too, letting him cry and accept the consequences of his actions.


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