Wife files D after I confronted her 2nd EA (4)

[SH_]

CWOL,

It must be something about the filing of the d that sends them into the rage mode. I know my WAW was civil when it was just gonna be a separation, but once she opted for the d, she could not contain the anger. But that was in my sitch. Although I just hope that I can sit at an event for my d where she can be civil. D17, graduates in a few weeks so we will see if she can. Not gonna hold my breath at this point.

Have a good Monday CWOL and get this week started off good.

[CWOL]

SadHub,

I think all of the secrecy and manipulation ended after I found her retainer letter and confronted her. Then the conflict came out in the open, she no longer could hide it and pretend to be open to reconciliation any more. It is still sad, because she was using this anger to drive the D and erasing all of the goodness we have had in our 18 years.

S11 had a good doubleheader today, hit a triple that scored the winning RBI in one of the games. After the games, we came home and we spent ride our bikes around the neighborhood, visiting his friends. It was good to have some quality time with him alone.

[doodler]

CWOL,

I'm sorry about all of the issues regarding your wife moving out. I think my wife will be moving out at the end of the month or maybe sooner. I'll have to see how you handle things. I'm afraid that my wife is going to take everything that she can while I'm not at home. So far, everything has been amicable, but she's clearly a WW and logic, reason and kindness seem to be on holiday (lost in the fog).

I hope some of the more experienced members can give you some good advice on how to handle your situation.

[Accuray]

One factor to be aware of: this is stressful on your W also. By being the one to leave, she is setting herself up as "the bad guy" and that is a difficult place to be.

What you will sometimes see, therefore, is a driving need to validate their decision. They will be mean and nasty and will try to bait you into bad behavior. If you react, they say to themselves "See? Nothing has changed, I'm making the right choice"

They will also spend considerable energy pushing you away because they need to embrace their new reality.

The best thing you can do is to be compassionate and do your very best to place your focus elsewhere. Try not to play the role she's trying to write for you to validate her decision.

Finally, regarding S11, I went to a child and family therapist before telling our kids that XW was moving out.

The therapist said that regardless of what's going on between you, the best thing you can do for the kids is to present it as a mutual agreement: "We have decided that we can no longer live together. That doesn't mean we don't love each other or that we don't love you. You didn't do anything to cause this, and more importantly we want you to know there's nothing you can do about it."

She said that the last sentence is the most important, because kids will sometimes campaign to try to get you back together and will feel like they're failing if they can't.

She said you want to present the decision as mutual, even though it's obviously not, because you don't want to put your kids between the two of you. You don't want them to have to take sides, or to think one parent is "bad" and one is "good". They just need to feel loved and supported by both of you.

The therapist said that what you tell them when they're 21 is different from what you tell them when they're 11, and at 11 their emotional well being needs to be paramount, far above whatever hurts or conflicts either of you are feeling. It's much easier for them to process if you tell them you've agreed to go your separate ways.

Acc

[SH_]

CWOL,

You have quite the little baller there with s11. Another big congrats to him for a great game.

I want to thank accuracy for the post about the WAW's perspective of feeling like the bad guy and struggling with the decision to d. I think I have known this in my heart since this all went down for me. As much as I understood this, I was consistently caught off guard because I felt so trapped in feeling like no matter what I did, it would anger her. My WAW even said to me one time, that it would be " damned if I do and damned if I dont"
But this morning I needed to hear this because I am struggling with internalizing her behavior and anger and feeling sad like she will never even speak to me in a civil manner.

I love the info for sharing with the kids. You are right about the age thing. My d17 understands the issue and there was not much we could tell her and she is making her choice. She does not want to take sides, but was forced to due to the way her mother handles it unfortunately. But I work hard to ensure that she does not have to choose, and I encourage her to do what she can for and with her mother. D5 on the other hand will benefit from the info you share here.

So much wisdom and compassion on these forums.

[doodler]

Accuray,

Michelle Weiner-Dais has a video on Youtube, "Advice on What to Say or Not Say to the Kids." In the video she says that it's best that you do tell the children if one of the parents wants the divorce and the other doesn't. She says that if you don't tell them, they'll still figure it out they'll feel like they've been lied to. Do you have any thoughts on that?

CWOL, Sorry about hi-jacking the thread.

[CWOL]

Doodler,
So far, it has been fairly uneventful. I've really enjoyed my time exclusively with S11 the past two days, we did a lot of fun things together and I think we bonded more closely than ever. S11 has really matured and is cleaning up after himself as he realizes his mother is no longer at home to pick up stuff for him.

But today WW picked him up in the morning for school with his overnight bag, and I won't see him until Wednesday night. These next two days will be the real test for me, as I will be coming home to an empty house for the first time in 18 years.

It is tough to look at the closets emptied (she took up 90% of our closet space anyway!) and remnants of things there. However, the separation is not complete because I will see both S11 and WW at baseball practices and games, etc. I'm wondering if I should avoid that for best DB practices? Or use any opportunity to see and meet with S11?

WW voluntarily gave me her key and garage door opener, so saves me from changing the locks, etc.

[CWOL]

Accuray,

Michelle Weiner-Dais has a video on Youtube, "Advice on What to Say or Not Say to the Kids." In the video she says that it's best that you do tell the children if one of the parents wants the divorce and the other doesn't. She says that if you don't tell them, they'll still figure it out they'll feel like they've been lied to. Do you have any thoughts on that?

CWOL, Sorry about hi-jacking the thread.

Accuray,
Yes, I adopted this strategy as well. I made it clear to S11 that it was WW that wanted the D and not me. WW was furious about it, but I told her it's the truth, I don't want to tell him lies. I saw an IC before too and she told me to avoid casting blame, etc. However, I think it is important for S11 to know the truth. My WW was hoping to tell him that it was a "mutual decision" and that mommy and daddy agreed, etc. I would have none of that, especially when it was completely untrue!
This was also the methodology from the other website that I was using, which recommended Exposure as well.
I also talked to a child therapist and she said not to involve therapists with S11 just yet, the problem exists with the parents and if there are issues with S11, then bring him in.
Anyway, just my data points.

[doodler]

CWOL,

I'm sorry for you; I hope things go well while your son is away. I dread the day that my house will be empty. I'll have to find something to keep me busy because I don't know that I could handle the silence.

I've been trying to decide if I should change door locks and the garage door code. If feels weird that I've lost so much trust in her that I'm considering changing locks. That's unsettling.

[CWOL]

I've been trying to decide if I should change door locks and the garage door code. If feels weird that I've lost so much trust in her that I'm considering changing locks. That's unsettling.

Yes, I was about the look for the locksmith's card and make the call, because I saw that she left a bunch of stuff strewn around the house. I didn't want her to use them as an excuse to come back into the house. However, this morning she gave me the key and the opener herself. So in the end it was not necessary and I think her L has told her that she's not supposed to enter without authorization now. At one point her strategy was to charge *ME* rent for my house since I have exclusive use of the house. My L pointed out to her that the house is only in my name, so they dropped that!

I really hope she uses this time to think about what she has done, and reflect on whether it was all worth it. She was busy texting someone yesterday at the baseball games, she was hiding the phone so I couldn't see it (she has been doing that ever since I discovered her secret second phone). Not sure if it was OM or someone else...

Ugh, I just hope she sees the light soon!