So I see sandi, so I see. She wants to be single. I need to let her go be single. Sad but true. This is my life now and I need to prepare for one without her in it.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Yes, her texting me at 2am to tell me where she is, and then only coming home at 5:30am tells me that she is conflicted. She can see what the right thing to do is, she then does it, but afterwards still goes on and does the wrong thing.
I don't see her staying out late as a "wrong" thing. It's a choice that she's made. Let her make her own choices while you make your own choices.
Originally Posted By: DDJ
I liken it to a debate her and I had between BD 1 and 2. She argued with me that there are 2 apples (when there is in fact one); I see a green one and she sees that it is red, then i need to respect that she sees it as red. I then argue but if the apple is a granny smith and the world knows that its green, then it cant be red. She says that then we have to agree to disagree.
This is what we're dealing with now, with our WW/WHs. The family unit is a green apple, but no matter what we do, they only want to see a red apple. Only they can change their perspective and see it for what it really is. It is our duty to show (and tell) them how great that green apple looks, in the hope that they might take a bite and be renewed.
Maybe the apple really is red and you're the only one that is seeing green. It's no one's duty to convince someone that what they are seeing isn't correct. Isn't that the opposite of validating?
Originally Posted By: DDJ
So if/when i'm laying awake at 5am again tomorrow morning waiting for my WW to return, at least i have the solace of knowing that its her perspective to want to be out. Not mine.
I openly talk to her about wandering, which encompasses selfishness, stubbornness and rebellion. I point out her constant instragram updates, her vibrator, her drinking, her coming in late. Also pointing out my own wandering issues to help her understand both sides.
I think that's what i'm doing differently to what the forum recommends. If i dont say anything and just let things be, then i'm implicitly approving of it... "he's not saying anything so then i can continue" would be her mindset. Thats like allowing a drug addict to sleep in the bed next to you, going about your day and hoping that they wake from their high. NOT GOING TO WORK, fast enough.
How about if you don't say anything and let things be, you're letting her be in control of her life? Letting her make her own choices and be responsible for the consequences? Letting her be her own person? And then, she has a chance to realize what SHE is doing in her life/relationships. Because until she's able to be fully in control of her life, she is simply reacting to your attempts to control her and she can easily blame YOU for the reason she's made the choices she is making.
When you give up the control, you detach.
Let her do what she is going to do. Instead, figure out what you're going to do. What can you do to make yourself a better partner/person?
I'm trying to lose control of her, but she reels me in. We were at a family function and she was all lovey dovey in front of my family. Like we were a real couple, but for me it felt really wrong. She was continuing the facade that she had for the previous few months before BD.
Nothing in my plans to improve myself has changed.im at my bros place watching soccer. Never done that before, S is playing with his cousins, whilst WW is at home cleaning.
I have to revert to treating her like she wants out and distancing again. I actually enjoy the distancing. Gives me time to think.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
How does she reel you in to control her??? You are control of your actions, not her. Just because she's lovey dovey with you, that doesn't mean you get to tell her how to live her life.
It's great that you're out doing things you haven't done before. But what are you doing to be a better person? How are you changing yourself?
So I see sandi, so I see. She wants to be single. I need to let her go be single. Sad but true. This is my life now and I need to prepare for one without her in it.
Much easier to do than you think. It really is. You seem like a quality guy. Those are becoming more rare these days. You're going to do just fine in life and love. You really will.
I'm trying to lose control of her, but she reels me in. We were at a family function and she was all lovey dovey in front of my family. Like we were a real couple, but for me it felt really wrong. She was continuing the facade that she had for the previous few months before BD.
And how were you responding to her little act in front of the family?
She isn't reeling you in to control her. That's all you, my friend.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I acted nonchalantly to her couples look. Maybe she wants me to think I'm in control to just keep up her cake eating as I will drop my guard.
It is going to be difficult, txhubby, but maybe I must stop "acting" like I'm moving forward and just literally move forward. Plan for the inevitable.
As for improving myself. I now have 5 goals, 1 - Detach 2 - Improve myself 3 - Understand boundaries and implement some. 4 - Appreciate the little things 5 - Lose CONTROL
I will break them down over the next few days.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I think detaching is the best way forward. Glad to hear you went over to your bros, surround yourself with loved ones and fun.
The more you focus on you, the easier it gets. They're so all over the place that just letting them be and keeping yourself sane is the only way. We keep on an even keel- and that only confuses them more
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
As for improving myself. I now have 5 goals, 1 - Detach 2 - Improve myself 3 - Understand boundaries and implement some. 4 - Appreciate the little things 5 - Lose CONTROL
I will break them down over the next few days.
DDJ,
These are great goals and along the same lines of the ones I am working on. These will help us heal, strengthen us, and make us the person only a fool would leave. No matter what their decision, we will be strong enough to move forward and have a bright,fulfilling future. I wish you strength and focus with your goals as they are a great foundation.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
