Wife wants to separate at end of school year # 2

[Bhuda1]

In my previous post I provided what I do to be family oriented. My life has been nothing but family oriented. Because of this I have very few options available to not be family oriented.

[Vanilla]

Ok Bhuda

So how is ceasing to communicate with your W until she initiates a 180.

If as you say there was a communication failure between you and you made decisions without her then isn't that more of the same?

Can you start small by asking about her day in the way a friend would do. Validate by looking at her and smiling, looking into her eyes.

Wouldn't you say living your own life is same old: same old?

Inclusion is being family orientated.

V

[srt]

Hi Vanilla, this is very insightful for me too. Are you suggesting we can turn around some of the 37 rules if they are appropriate to our 180?

[Vanilla]

One is to do that which works. Always. Start with 180S and work with those until they prove they are ineffective.

For instance withdrawing when that is the thing that damaged your R is more of the same, and isn't a 180. That's not pursuit or R talk. Being friendly showing interest would be a 180.

I think of the 37 as guidance (rules if you will) not commandments. In each sitch some are more important to work. They can be different for each one.

If a spouse complains that you are distant, cold and lacking empathy AND you agree then NC or LRT would not be a great strategy. It's more of the same.

If your spouse wants more cooperation and communication to be involved in decisions then living a single life and no longer talking is more of the same.

Do that which works start with a 180 on your current actions.

On the other hand if your behaviour is a smothering codependency, checking tracking and spying then some detached distance is a 180.

If your spouses genuine concerns are lack of family involvement then authentic involvement would be good.

If your spouse LL is physical touch and you kick them to a spare bedroom that isn't a 180. If it's lack of sex that's an issue going LRT isn't going to resolve that.

If it's drinking, golf over absorbing hobby then doing more of that for GAL isn't a 180.

If you have let yourself go and are a hot mess then address that.

All of this is modified if your spouse is wayward too.

Sandi guidelines are from the waywards perspective that which entices back and makes the way home smooth.

The overall goal is to DB for you, to do that which works for you. And if your R resolves itself that shift is permanent.

In my own sitch being a doormat and taking abuse required a 180, standing up for myself made the abuse worse. That 180 made it worse, created escalation.


Then I tried validation and STFU plus walk away which made me seem cold, that 180 was tough one and didn't work either.

Then I set reasonable boundaries and only reacted if the abuse breached those, it calmed. That didn't work completely but my world was calmer.

Finally when I was strong enough I set a very firm boundary I will no longer be abused. Zero tolerance. Every time I responded calmly with firm statements. That worked.

So it's about that which works, knowing your 180 and acting as if sometimes for yourself.

I measured myself against Sandi guidance, what I did was often counter intuitive and it still fitted the guidance.

I see the guidance as the action plan, take each one and analyse how you can use it within the context of a 180 for yourself.

For instance no R talks, ok if you are distant can you do a 180 by communication and not talking about R? If you constantly talk R a 180 is obvious isn't it?

Or looking after yourself has not been a priority, you slob, wear sweats all the time, sofa surf etc. Can you change that? Suppose the opposite is true you spend all the family resources on new clothes, luxury cars and eating out, can you change that?

These are my thoughts and outlook, my philosophy on it.

Hope this helps

I will drift to your thread to post.

V

[Bhuda1]

I should state, we lacked communication when it came to our marriage. We did communicate on other day to day events, happenings, all situations when it came to our children.

We never discussed our relationship. Sex was never discussed. It happened when it happened. Neither of us asked, Do you want to have sex, It just happened. I was never forceful, I was given signs when she wanted to make love, but never initiated directly on my part.

Finances were never discussed, We each had responsibilities we met regarding household obligations. A joint account was set up, at my request, to cover all costs from groceries, mortgage, utilities, sport registration for the boys. Other than that, she had her account and I had my account. We both are self employed.

This was wrong and I now place all my income in the joint account and only transfer out what was needed for monthly business expenses. This is one reason why I was able to pay off most of my debt as quickly as I did. I focused on this, she could see where my money was going. Its given her a better understanding of my day to day business outlays.

Until I did this, I did not realize how much was spent without accountability.

This transparency was long overdue. I thought she was fine with the banking arrangements, as long as we looked after our household expenses, everything was fine. Again, We are both guilty of having our separate bank accounts but again I am more at fault in her eyes.

Now regarding my 180. I have actually done a 360. Before I knew of any stress on how she felt about the MR, I was confident, sure of myself, and under the impression our love could survive anything. I did ask her if she was ok with my decisions and choices. I never put much thought into how she would really feel if I went away with the guys. As mentioned earlier, she appeared to be accepting on the outside, but inside she was resentful for me not realizing the added burden of looking after two children while I was away.

I became overconfident in myself and our relationship.

Until I felt threatened and realized something was not right, I started smothered her. I became suspicious, always asking, who are you texting, where were you, what time will you be home and other actions that were very pushy. I became untrusting of her and jealous. The more I tried to pull her back, the further I pushed her away.

I have stopped asking her questions that may make me come across as too insecure and pursuing. I am pleasant with her but no longer over bearing. The stress level in the household is reduced. She is more open and telling me about her day, without me asking. She is also more curious about my daily activities as she now initiates these conversations. There is no silent treatment. I do show interest when she opens up. I am positive and answer her questions in a positive manner.


I am living my life but only after the needs of my children and wife are met. Nothing I do now shows any type of retaliation or spite. I just do not ask her to join me. I open the door and make the option available to her. If she wants to take part she is more than welcome and she knows that.

[Vanilla]

How are things Bhuda?

V

[Bhuda1]

I am here in Scottsdale Arizona for my business conference. To be honest, right now I have never felt so alone and lonely. I am at a beautiful resort hotel, and I wish my wife was here with me.

I have been in contact with my wife and kids through text messages. Short texts just updating my stay. I have not mentioned how much I miss her nor have I expressed that I wished she was here with me.

The messages have been upbeat and positive. I have also sent her a few pictures of the scenery.

Looking forward to getting home tomorrow evening. I can't wait to see my family

[Vanilla]

Bhuda
I hope you got home safely

V

[SH_]

Hi Bhuda,

I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Your story has many similarities to mine as it relates to the distancing of my WAW and me doing all the wrong things.

I hope you are well and continuing to DB and become the person only a fool would leave.

[Bhuda1]

Made it home ok. The time alone was needed. Somewhat refreshing. Had time to reflect and gather my thoughts and enhance my DB strategies.

Everything positive from here on in. My demeaneor , my attitude, my actions. All upbeat and positive. Even when feeling down, I will still be positive on the outside.

That includes all future MR discussions with the spouse. I will no longer discuss anything negative from our past. Nothing can change the past. I am living for a better tomorrow. The better tomorrow will include a better me and if all goes well, a better MR.

As Sadhub put it, I will be that person only a fool would leave.