He really is acting like a spoiled brat! I'm glad you stood your ground and yes, there comes a time when you have to hit them w/some truth darts. Of course he's going to say he's not in the fog...where else is he if he's not in a fog living in a stinky dorm room and driving a rat trap that sounds rough and the door won't open from the inside?
If you are attempting to put some money aside, you may want to consider opening a separate account in your name and place your part of the savings in there. If you don't, I can see your "teenager" going through all of it by the end of the summer. If he wakes up and starts acting like a grown man again, you can always transfer the money to the joint account, but because he feels he is entitled to having a fun summer, I would be very leery of putting money in any account he can get his hands on right now. To me, it sounds like his replay is ramping up and he's been simmering for a while.
I agree, step back and see if the text messages reach the Mother Ship and get translated for him to better understand.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Esame - time will tell if any of this sinks in. I know from the pauses and lack of barbs back that some of my darts hit their target. His actions will tip his hand as to what's going on.
And just to clarify, the car is actually very nice. The engine sounded great, I just decided before I got in it, to mess with him. But the door handle does stick and that needs to be fixed. I almost joked: "it's smart of you to have a passenger door that won't open. Trapping someone is certainly the only way you can get a person to stay in your crazy world with you."
Thanks Job. I will be watching the accounts daily. No joke there. Looks like he is going to try to live like a Saudi prince this summer. What a foolish man. He is going to take care of himself for a bit?!? He makes it sound like he's gone without air to provide for us. Yes, he provided well for us. But trust me, he has taken very good care of himself, too.
And through all this it hit me that he is resentful that he is a grown man with responsibilities. It's that simple and yet that complicated.
I wish there was some vitual reality chamber I could pop him into where it seemed like he was living his life but really he was in a fake world where he was no danger to the rest of us. I could lure him in by saying: "it's an age reversing chamber! Look, look! 5 minutes in there and you are 20 again!!"
Then I could lock the door and check on him (through a window and microphone system) in 2020.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I've been wondering when he would get to the stage where he would say "he's entitled to some fun, etc." Well, he's there and I have a feeling you will be seeing a lot of money pass through his hands from now until fall. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't redecorate the dorm room or finally decide to move out. Sometimes it takes a while for them to get to the spending part, but you'll really need to watch the finances since he's made the announcement.
Yes, he resents that he doesn't have the freedom to do what he wants and be that young guy who didn't have responsibilities. He's forgetting that he can't go back to that age and nothing stays the same forever. Poor man. Actually a crystal ball would be better for him to see what life has in store for him, but I do like your idea.
It's going to get very interesting since your family is coming to visit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm glad you let out all those truth darts and you didn't hold in your feelings anymore. Sometimes, you just got to say what is on your mind. You didn't say anything that wasn't true.
HaWho, I just can picture that cheshire cat smile on your H when he pulled next to you in that new car.
I absolutely admire how you “pocked” him with all these truth darts! I think it great that he responds and tries to defend himself and his decisions. The “stuff” about him to be entitled to do what he wants and spend the money on himself has finally came out of him. I think this is great! And then… here you come with your truth darts… I think it will help to bring him to that point when he realizes how ridiculous his actions are a lot quicker. I might be wrong though…
HaWho, you don’t stop to amaze me. You keep this great sense of humor through all of this. I always enjoy reading your posts. As for the paint on the side of his new car… Maybe make a sticker… “My second MLC car” and put it in the back window when he is not looking… Or, let me know… and I will make a sticker and come over to put it on the car, LOL.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Job - it cracks me up that he is now going to take care of himself "a bit." Umm, what do you call what you've already been doing?!? I also love that he says he is going to enjoy his summer. And according to him, it starts now (early May) and ends in October. I almost informed him that his fun is spanning 3 seasons not one.
Ginger - it felt good to call him out. Yes, it needed to be done.
Bright - I have to find the humor in all this otherwise I would go mad.
Speaking of the ridiculous my little man-cub is spewing more. Today, he left his keys out and I noticed my bike lock on there. So I removed it and put his keys on the handle of the stinky man-cub dorm room.
It was a big mistake as he is just itching for a fight. I can see he is unhappy and I guess the car and trip did not heal what ails him. He is looking under rocks for problems. He has been leaving the house and shutting the door very loudly. He doesn't quite slam it but it's just enough that he makes a fool of himself. He huffs about and I want to buy him one of those bibs with the pacifier that clips to it. I am waiting for him to stomp his feet and hold his breath. It is truly ridiculous to witness. I wonder if he will put on this show for my family to witness.
So anyway he texts asking if I took the key. I explain and he says it is a key to something else. So I give it back. He is very mad when I do so. Like I have trespassed into a teen's life.
As I leave the house I notice he has planted a few things (I assume in anticipation of my family?). I text and say it looks nice. And out froths the spew like a crazy, foaming at the mouth, raccoon. How dare I take the key off and on and on he goes. He says this shows I have low character!! Here comes the projection on the heels of my truth darts to him. I will ignore this one. He does also tell me to stay out of his tiny room. LOL! I guess the keys somehow ended up on his floor and not the handle so he thought I threw them there? Probably they fell from the stench. Poor keys, they never saw it coming.
It's like the anger I saw pre-BD. He wants to fight and he's looking for it. It does not matter what I do he will find some way to blame me. I have stayed out of his space for days now but it doesn't seem that the dust is settling. I hate to mind read but I wonder how much of this is due to my family visiting?
Meanwhile I am busy raising kids, working, playing tennis and preparing for my family. His latest comment that he is now entitled to have some fun, did jolt me quite a bit, though. I realized the extent to which he is truly lost in replay. And I have been working harder on just leaving him behind. He is a year and a half past BD but the anger is still palpable--it needs its own room.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
He's been testing you by leaving the keys out and yes, he's seeking justifications that he can use to work up to leaving. He's baiting you, wanting you to tell him to leave. Poor child, he needs to make this decision on his own.
Taking care of himself, means fun, doing what he wants and when he wants and yes, leaving dirty dishes around, not having "mom" there watching him and, of course, spending money and most likely having women friends over. They really do go off the rails in replay and some of it is just beyond belief.
Leave him to stew in his own juices in the stew pot. Don't make any small talk w/him. Allow him to come to you. Right now, nothing is right in his world and he is angry at himself and is taking it out on everyone. Just leave him be...he'll either get over it or leave. BTW, is the packed suitcase still in the garage?
Keep the focus on you, your sons and the family visit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - ok, I'll continue to steer clear of small talk. I am staying out of his way but as said he is looking for ANY ammunition. And yep, packed suitcase is still on standby in the garage.
Job, as you foresaw, he is starting to spruce up his quarters. Except he has run out of things to do in the dorm room itself, as it is closet-sized. So, he bought two huge jungle-like plants to put outside his dorm room. He removed our wedding picture from the table in the hallway (next to his stinky bathroom) and put a ginormous jungle-like plant there, too. He moved the wedding picture to the dining room.
And I agree, Job, I think he wants out so he can go party to his heart's content. He is searching desperately for new band-aids. I think he wants me to toss him out so that he comes out smelling like roses. His dad walked out on them and I think even in the haze of that fog, he knows those kids will hold it against him if he walks.
If he leaves, that will be a tough one for me as in my family of origin, walking out is never an option. I have seen very manly men on my father's side who have told their sons, you don't walk out EVER. You stay and work it out (unless it's abusive). And they have told their daughters, if a guy walks out, be done with him. Should he choose to leave, in my mind, it probably will be: don't let the door hit 'ya where the good Lord split 'ya.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Oh my! Plants outside the door. How does the hallway look w/them there? Are they live plants? Sounds like he's fixing up his place to look like a hotel area. LOL!
I can't wait for your family to see these improvements! LOL! I guess the wedding photo reminds him of the past. Of course, you could always move the photo back and see if he moves it again.
He really is trying to push your buttons and also trying to spruce up his space for when your family comes. Take some photos and store them away just in case you need to show him some of his behavior way down the road.
I wouldn't be surprised if he has someone come and clean the space (again). It's going to get very interesting.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
