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LED22 Offline OP
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Sorry for the length but I feel like my life is a reality tv show!

So on Friday H called from work to say he was going to get a drink with a guy from work, he would be home around 7 and wanted to know if I wanted to go out and get a bite to eat. I played it cool...told him I was headed to my friends house and if I was home about the same time then that sounded good.

Went to friends house, H called to ask if we were going out and to invite my friend and her h. WHAT?? Anyway, we all went out for a bite. We had a good time. I think at one point friends H told my H to "get his head out of his ass" and my H replied that he was going through something and was working on it.

As dinner continued, H started to text. I asked who he was texting because that is unlike him when we are out with friends. He said "everything is ok, don't worry about it"...this was not said arrogantly...it was more pleading...like please don't ask because we are having fun and I don't want to fight. Well his nonanswer lead me to believe it was OW. All I said was "You have to be kidding me, texting her NEXT to me in a restaurant is disgusting..."

On the way home, I flipped. I know its not DB but that is downright disrespectful and I will not put up with it. He proceeded to tell me she texted because she was mad he was out, he told her he was out with his wife and wanted to make things work, she said you told me you were getting a divorce...blah blah blah.

I said she wouldn't think any of that if H didn't tell her. I told him they are not friends because friends would be happy if our M pulls through this.

Well, like I said. I flipped...like something literally snapped in my head that I was done with this. We were in bed and I just couldn't take it anymore..I got out of bed, put my clothes on and told him I was leaving. Luckily kids were at sleepovers so we were home alone.

I have never, ever said I was done before. Not ten yrs ago, not now. He jumped out of bed and started pleading with me to sit down and talk. I said no, I am done. He stood in the bedroom doorway so i couldn't leave. I told him to move and i was done...I deserved so much better and I deserve to trust my H unconditionally.

So I left! It was midnight. I got into the car and realized I left my phone in the house...when i came back in I heard him from the bedroom saying please don't leave...I may have heard tears...not sure.

And then, of course...not one of my friends answered their phones so I sat in a parking lot until 2 am. H called numerous times leaving me voicemails.."Please come home, etc.."

When I got home I slept in D14 room, he got up and asked me to please come to bed. I said absolutely not.

Yesterday when he got up he told me he wants to work on things, he has a lot going on in his head...he said in his gut he knows we will pull through this. I told him I have dealbreakers. The first is if the relationship with OW continues. I believe it is EA, not PA and I think she is acting a bit psycho...LOL...I have been calm, cool collected and non pressure through out the last two months.

My other deal breaker is if he chooses not to go to counseling with me. I was straightforward and told him I don't trust him and unless he earns it back we don't have an M. He told me he would take care of OW...counseling he is not prepared for yet but then again...this is not going to be an overnight process.

yesterday I saw txt messages on phone records to OW so I asked him about them. He told me he told her he was going to work on us and she was mad, etc... I asked him to prove it and show me the messages...he couldn't. So...bit red flag there. I told him if there are any more texts or calls from his phone it is a deal breaker. I told him if I sense that he may be contacting her other ways, it is a deal breaker.

So I am not sure what happened or how the tables turned but I think my strength scared him a bit. I am not talking about it anymore...I told him actions speak louder than words and time will tell.

Can't wait to hear what you all have to say!

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Since you have laid the deal breakers out for him, then you will need to follow thru, i.e., no ifs, ands or buts. Stick to them. As for the ow, he needs to send her a text that states the relationship is over and that he no longer wants anything to do w/her and that he will working on his marriage. He will need to be transparent in all things, texts, emails, calls, etc. He can't waffle on the no contact w/the ow...it has to be done and cut off completely. Of course, she's not going to take this lightly and will continue to text and/or call him to try to wear him down...but if he's sincere in wanting to make things work, he will need to go NC w/her as much as possible. It may be a bit difficult if she works w/him, but it can be done.

I know you were angry, but do not leave your home again. If anything, go to another room. After all, you aren't the one that isn't in the marriage 100%.

I'm sorry the situation escalated, but maybe this will clear the air a bit and he'll finally realize what he could stand to lose if he continues down the path w/the ow.

Now that you've said what needed to be said, step back and allow him to work on himself. He's not ready to see a counselor, so I would continue going myself...but in time, both of you will need to go together to resolve those issues that weren't completely resolved years ago.

Keep the focus on you and your girls for now. Give him and his issues over to the man upstairs for a bit. He's got a lot to think about.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Job,
I told him everything needs to be transparent but he said he deleted the messages. I did check this morning and she has texted him about 10 times and he has not responded to her.

I think she is a bit irrational and he is probably turned off. Yeah...its amazing how the green grass on the other side turns brown.

I am still meeting with L tomorrow, just to know my rights and get some questions answered. I am not going to tell H.

Tonight we go to a Broadway show for his bday. If there is any contact between them today, I will be going without him.

Like I said...once I say something, I follow thru.

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Led -Of course OW is irrational--she is involved with a married man who lives at home with his wife!! Umm, that sounds real healthy. LOL!

I am sure there is a way to block her number on his phone. It's probably something he can opt for in settings. Be careful also as there is some way to make your calls private via cell phone. I think you dial *82 before making the call? I wonder if these calls still post on the bill?

It's hard to monitor all this given all the ways people can communicate these days. We live in an era where Ashley Madison is a functioning business model! Pathetic.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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We had a good time at the show last night. We went to dinner before hand and get this...as we were driving into the city OW called H...

Her number came up on the bluetooth car screen with her name. LOL...I told him to answer it and end it, of course he wouldn't but it was fun to watch him sweat a bit. H told me he deleted her texts but he didn't because I looked at his phone.

I asked him why he lied and he said he kept them in case he needed to show me but he didn't think i needed to read them. WEll...i read them all and he has himself in a pickle. She is nutso!!! Her texts are threatening, pleading, irrational.

I told him to block her from his phone and unfriend her on facebook. I do think he is turned off by her. He told me last night that I am a very rational person, know him well and he appreciates my patience. I told him my patience is thin and his words and actions are going to make or break this M.

H knows something snapped in me over the weekend and I no longer think he thinks that because I don't want a divorce, i won't get one if things don't change.

WE will see...

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"Mom"

A word of caution...even though he says he told her it's over, she will continue to contact him out of desperation. When they are desperate, they do some stupid stuff...watch your back. I'm not trying to scare you, but she may very well target you and your family w/text messages, calls, etc. Be sure to walk around your car if you are parked in a parking lot, etc. Again, not trying to scare you...but if she escalates her desperation...she may do something really stupid.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Oh Job!
Don't think I haven't thought of that. I said to H this morning that she best not contact me nor our children. I have never contacted her, nor will I unless she crosses a line and I feel like my family is in danger.

She is texting him constantly...so manic. I told H he needs to block her from his phone. I will revisit that in a few days to make sure it is done.

Right now, I am stepping back. I have said everything I need to say.

I will give H credit...I was joking around (well not really) yesterday and he took it well. We went to see Jersey Boys last night and the four Seasons sing "Working my way back to you babe..."

I elbowed him and told him it should be his anthem!!!

I know he isn't happy, he said his mind races all the time but he wants this to work. So as I have been doing, I will give him space to think.

we really did have a great time last night and I was going to send him an email or text just saying it but decided against it. I told him last night I had fun and he thanked me numerous times and told me I "did good" with his bday gift.

I also asked H what he would like to do for bday and he said he doesn't want to think about it....he still has 21 days. I think he is scared of 50.

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Good morning,
So H and I have been getting along. H ended talks with OW...I told him he needs to block her from his phone and social media...he hasn't done it yet.

Then stupid me asked "do you feel bad that you are ending all communication with her?" H said he was bothered a little but he said he was going to make M work.

He told me he is 75% wanting to be M and the rest not. H says its all in his head but isn't ready to commit to counseling by himself.

I think I have been talking to much, and tears when I talk. I don't trust him and when I let him know that he tends to turn it on me. I know this is a long road but H doesn't seem to have a plan to make it better.

I guess I am just hopeful, hurt, untrusting...such emotions in my head.

H did make it loud and clear to me that he hates when I ask the same question 1000 different ways to get the answer I want. H claims this is one of the things that makes him mad. I do it because I am trying to get an understanding of what is happening in my life.

Give me pep talks to STOP doing it!!!

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If what you are doing or have been hasn't worked do the opposite. Doing the same thing to get different results is the definition of (fill in the answer here).
You can do this


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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"Mom",

Stop all relationship talks for now. He's admitted that he's only 75% into working on the marriage. He's still sitting on the fence and until he's 100% ready to work on the marriage, he's still thinking about things. Step away! Leave him to do some soul searching on his own. The more you talk about it, the more he's going to tune you out.

He's not ready to give up the ow just yet and that's why he's not blocked her.

Please stop asking questions as you are coming across as needy and clingy. Show him the independent and strong woman that you are. You did this before and you can do it again. She is not the prize...YOU ARE! You know the drill, come here to talk and talk to your IC...both places are safe for you. Trying to get something out of your h right now is like squeezing blood from a turnip...can't be done.

Leave him alone...keep to safe topics of conversation for now.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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