A New Chapter

[DDJ]

Congrats on the JOB Painter!

[Painter]

Thanks, DDJ!

I read a really good article today. It is rare to read something written from the POV of dysfunction, but this one made me think of H and increased my understanding of him.

We're not supposed to post links but google Tracy Crossley and withholding love and her blog post should come up.

[DDJ]

Very good blog that supports this forum very nicely, going through one article and the author states this...

"Sacrificing to hold on to someone will never bring you the return you hope for and baking cookies for someone to win them, won’t fill that void inside you either".

Amen.

[Painter]

Lousy conversation with H. I didn't validate at all, just got defensive.

We were talking about the shipment of some boxes and a couple of other practical things, and it was calm, but as usual there were some communication difficulties. He said something about packing my things in a room where I knew there was nothing besides his stuff when I left, but it turned out he meant he had carried some kitchen things in there to pack up, but that is not even what's being shipped now - it's supposed to go to storage, so it started out with some confusion. I explained why I got confused and it was fine. This is typical for our conversations - I don't always understand what he means, because he explains things as if I were there in the room with him.

He had fedexed me the paperwork to sign the house over to him. I got it yesterday. When I told him that, he started getting loud and bullying about how it was in the agreement that it was supposed to 'be in his hands' or 'delivered to him' by May 1st. He completely made that up, and I said 'no, that is not true' very clearly for each of the claims. It's supposed to be signed by May 1st, which is on Sunday, and I already told him it just arrived yesterday. Finally, I told him to just take me to court, if it was such a big deal. He calmed down and backed off. I mentioned how *my* L gave him a month more to get some of his part done, and I wouldn't have made a stink if he couldn't do it by then.

After that, we discussed some other issues, I told him I would pay off my part of a loan he is stuck with according to the agreement, and he asked how I would manage that, so I reluctantly told him about the job (he asked if I got one). Thankfully, he didn't go off about the alimony as I feared, just congratulated me.

Afterwards, I felt so bad about his demanding and confrontational attitude that I sent him a text and quoted what it says in the agreement about the deed, and that I didn't understand why he was acting so hostile about something that wasn't even a disagreement - and that it was very hurtful that he couldn't wait a minute to get rid of me.

[Painter]

Another talk with H. This time about the third copy of the separation agreement which he has given to a random L to keep on file. This L has had nothing to do with anything, except prepared the deed for the transfer of the house.

I told him I was very annoyed that he unilaterally decided what to do with the third copy, and he 'thought it was for him' (BS, he got all three to sign after I signed them) and I told him I was asking my L what to do with the 3rd copy).

I asked him if he had instructed the L to file for D in 6 months, and he said no - but that he might at that time. So I said, that leaves me without any influence, then - you have the third copy so I can't file? Oh, I could get a 'certified copy'. That's not good enough, you need one that's signed in original by both parties. I asked him why my L couldn't have it on file, and he ranted about her prices and how he couldn't afford that. More BS. He doesn't have to pay her.

*sigh*

I notice I get acute, intense backache when I talk to him.

[Phoebe]

I'm so sorry it's been a difficult day for you. Must be something in the air...

I don't understand any of the technicalities about the third copy, but I hear your frustration and anger and sadness that all of this is happening. You're just starting to get settled in your new place, getting work lined up, and gaining confidence every day, and then he comes along and tries to disrupt your trajectory. Don't let him. He's got his own issues, plainly.

I hope things settle down again very soon, Painter.

I'm glad he at least congratulated you on your new job because you deserve it! When do you start?

[Painter]

Phoebe, sorry, I should have explained - the third original of the agreement (H and I each have one) is what one would submit to court for filing for D. H basically hijacked it by giving it to his L. He thinks it's up to him to file or not in 6 months, and I'm just supposed to wait for his decision.

It is annoying that he is so adamant and urgent about everything he wants - and then so casual about what he's supposed to do.

But I've had a nice dinner and lots of ice cream with my son, and we just watched a good movie that took my thoughts off everything. After Son taught me how to use a Redbox machine... that was also pretty entertaining.

I recommend The Big Short, it is very interesting and entertaining without a single romantic frame in it, all about the mortgage crisis but in a 'heist' style.
Yesterday, we watched Haute Cuisine about president Mitterand's personal chef - also completely devoid of heartache and very French and engaging. Great for those with low appetites!
Next on the list is Bridge of Spies with Tom Hanks - anyone seen it? Also want to watch The Judge with Robert Downey Jr and Robert Duvall. I can watch anything with RDJ...

I start work in a week, so today I've started the application process to get my dog into daycare (a 12 page application and a vet visit on Monday)

A nice weekend coming up, thrift stores and finish reno with Son tomorrow, church and then a visit with a friend who lives a couple of hours away on Sunday. More organizing and unpacking.

Got some things on my calendar for the upcoming week, but I'm also going to enjoy my last week of leisure.

[Phoebe]

Self-absorption seems to be the unifying trait of all the waywards I've read about here, including my own. It's all about them, so your H's attitude seems typical, and typically frustrating.

I really enjoyed both Bridge of Spies and The Judge. Now I need to go see The Big Short, and I also want to see Spotlight.

I've always liked movies, but any with romantic themes are pretty much off limits for me these days. Maybe we should all start compiling a list of 'safe' movies!?!

[ciluzen]

Just to pop in on this convo...safe movies. Great idea! I think a lot of us need those suggestions. Right now I'm relegated to documentaries and "comic book" movies as safe movies are a must. Usually I'm a drama, thriller, arthouse type. But lately, as Phoebe said, any romantic themes or even a hint of sentimental love story, even in the background, and I'm ruined for a bit.

I did enjoy Spotlight, though. Tough material.

[Phoebe]

How are you tonight, Painter??? Just stopped by to say hello.