Unsure of the next step

[Fin]

Sandi,

I took my D up to Wisconsin today and we talked briefly, and she now W tells me she is planning on divorcing me once she has her 90 days of residence in Wisconsin. She says marrying me was a mistake and she is looking for more from a relationship. I don't know if this is still the lingering feelings of the end of the PA/EA, that it's still going on or if she truly feels that way. As I said, we have been married only 7 months, and the PA and ILYBNILWY was discovered 4 months into it, I just don't know what to think and why this happened so soon, especially with a child in the picture.

tl2,

I raised this concern with the VP I will be reporting to, he told me that if all goes well with this acquisition and integration that I would at the very least be able to split time between LA and Chicago if not move back to Chicago completely in the fall.

I do have concerns about leaving at this point, but if the W is truly done, there is nothing I can do but just hope that she has a change of heart, and maybe being alone with our D will draw her back into the marriage, or maybe she will see me as abandoning her and solidify her decision even more.

I am done talking to her though, other than facetime connections and pickup/dropoff of D I am going to leave her alone and give her space.

[tl2]

I would speak with a L first to see how leaving like that can be used against you in possible custody arrangements...just so you know what can likely be done and be able to be prepared to counter as necessary.

Leaving W alone is good for you. Just make sure you don't shoot yourself in the foot regarding daughter, custody, etc.

My D was final in early Jan, and we did a no-fault/uncontested in my state, but I still consulted with an L extensively to be sure I did either get screwed by her or inadvertantly screw myself. My kids are grown so custody wasn't an issue with us, but there were other financial and procedural decisions my L advisor was helpful in guiding me through.

[CWOL]

Fin,
Yes, be very careful about the residency/venue rules. You don't want to be defending against a D several time zones away. I am learning in my D that residency/time with kid is very important later to establishing custody/parenting time.

Regarding your LA transfer: You should see if you can get at least an email from your VP confirming your conversation. You don't want your D/custody screwed up for what seems like a temporary opportunity (that the company needs to place you in).

FWIW, my WW also left me seven months after our wedding due to an EA. At that time, she attributed it to her unrealistic expectation of marriage and other excuses. Little did I know the same OM would come back 17 years later.

[DDJ]

Mine was always looking for something. When we got engaged 4 years in, she said "but I don't feel any different". She said the same the day we got married. Some of our WW/Hs are always wandering. Wandering about what else they could have had. A friend told me that if someone truly loves you, they won't wander.

Only problem is that people will believe what they want, even if the answer is slap bang I'm front of them.

[Fin]

I am in the process of getting the legal stuff dealt with before I go. Which is going to include my daughter coming to CA to spend a week with me this summer (I grew up in LA and my family is all here).

I sent WW an email this morning saying that this is how I wanted to communicate going forward because I have been getting frustrated with our talks and text convos. She ofcourse text me tonight as I was at a buddies watching the NHL playoffs (Go GAL!) asking whether her check from the job she worked at for 4 days came in the mail, I just replied "no" and then she asked me what she should do and how long can they wait to send it. I just ignored her, which was a little baby step for me because I haven't been able to ignore and not reply to a text.

I spoke with a therapist friend of my moms, didn't want to and regretted it after. When I told her she had an affair, left home, wants nothing to do with me and wants to D. She asked me if I had physically or verbally abused her. Kind of made me sad because it is so rare for people to end things and want a D so quickly without crazy circumstances like that.

I just wish I had more answers, is this really what she wants or is it the feelings for the OM just make it to hard for her to see anything with me.

[DDJ]

Its the excitement of something different. You and your D are love, love is pain. I believe that they block out love, as they have blocked out pain all of their lives.

What they find in the OP is "JOY", like at christmas, but everyday with the OP is christmas. They eventually wake up, realise its August and then want to come back to you.

You need to make a decision as to whether you want her back, if and when that day comes. Until then, you need to soak this all up. GAL and cry, cry and GAL. And keep posting!

[sandi2]

I think there was something brewing before the M was legalized. She may not have been in an A, but something was going on with her.

[Fin]

Had a nice weekend, the GAL thing is going pretty well. I am up in Milwaukee watching my Angels play the Brewers, I drove by where we got married and it is still rough to think everything that has happened in only 7 months.

Haven't spoken in a few days. I did notice that the OM's wife changed her Facebook picture to their wedding picture and then subsequently blocked me (I hadn't chatted with her since February). I understand why she did it, if either they are back together or they are done she probably just wanted to stop any future contact. I don't really care, just more curious what that means for their marriage and WW EA.

Speaking of Facebook, WW changed her name back to her maiden name on FB. I thought it was kind of stupid so I just unfriended her, which may have been dumb on my part, but part of the detachment I guess.

[Fin]

The last two days were tough days, a step back IMO.

First off, I decided to not only not move back to CA for work, but start a new career. This is something that has been in the back of my mind for awhile but now I am going to do it. I am going to coding bootcamp to learn to be a developer. I have self taught myself a lot and now want to make it a career. My job paid the bills and my bosses have been wonderful through all of this, but I feel so stale doing sales and think it contributed to some of my marriage woes, and I feel like taking the promotion to CA would lock me in more. My father, who I have grown so much closer to through all of this offered to pay the tuition and my bills for the 4 months of the program. The downside is I will probably not be able to work so much from the home office like I did with this job, so I will probably only be able to ask for my daughter on weekends, which should work out ok though since my W says she is going to go to nursing school and wait tables on the weekend.

Now onto my failures and steps back.

W came down on Tuesday to drop off D2, she noticed the changes I had made around the home, stuff I know I should have done months ago, also noticed my full calendar as part of my GAL, felt good she noticed and commented on that as well as my improved appearance and wardrobe. I asked her if she was going back right away and she told me that she was hanging out with SIL and then watching her niece while SIL worked. My first thoughts were she was going to be seeing the OM. I asked if she and my niece wanted to come over as I was planning on grilling for dinner, she at first said maybe, then when I text her later she said that probably wouldn't be a good idea (I know I shouldn't have asked to begin with). I then did something incredibly stupid, after dinner, instead of being the responsible father and giving my daughter a bath and putting her to sleep, I drove 10 minutes to my SIL house to see if her car was there, I did this a couple of weeks ago and she wasn't there but was at a hotel with OM. This time I drove by and her car was there, I felt like such an idiot because for one she was there, and for two even if she wasn't there what was I going to do?

Today W came over to pickup her desk to take it back to her parents in WI. As I was unplugging the computer and taking stuff off and out of the drawers I found the birthday card she had written to me this past Sept., only 3 weeks before our wedding and she said how much she loved and adored me and she couldn't believe how lucky she was to get to spend the rest of her life as a family with me and our D. It hit me like a ton of bricks, how did this happen, how do you go from that to telling OM she was madly in love with him only 2 months later and completely over the M 4 months later?

As I was helping W bring the desk to her car I asked her about the card, how all this could have happened so fast. She replied with her now generic response of "Wanting more out of a relationship" as to why she wants to divorce me. I asked her if she is still planning to file after 90 days residency in WI and she said that, no she was going to honor my request to wait until Sept 25th our anniversary. I don't know what that means in the big picture, perhaps it's just throwing me a bone, perhaps it's waiting to make it not seem as weird to friends and family, I don't know.

I just wish I had answers.

If the relationship was so bad why did she come back to try the first time in March, why did she tell me how happy she was that she made that decision, only to do a complete 180?

Is time and space just BS?
How long does it take to stay in a fog?

[Fin]

W just called to FaceTime my daughter at 8 PM, she was just getting in her car to drive back to WI. She picked up her desk at 2 from my place and her sister works at 4 every day. It's like she doesn't even care to hide the fact that she has been with OM most of the afternoon.

On one hand I am angry that this is still going on, but on the other hand I am a bit relieved in knowing this is what is causing her to act the way she has towards me recently.

I guess I have to make the decision whether I want to wait this out or just move on myself.