Yes, we have a mutual friend who bore the burden of knowing our R was 'over' while H was telling me he was 'confused.' She ended up telling H he had to tell me or she would as she wasn't willing to know this and I didn't. All a bit yukky at the time really.
Funny thing is I apologised to her that she bore that burden and H never has far as I'm aware. She doesn't keep in touch with H much, though their S's are friendly. She told me the H she thought she knew wouldn't have done that stuff.
I guess people just draw their own conclusions from all that has happened and there are consequences - good and bad - for relationships all around them and us.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi 2x2Many - I think h is looking for a scapegoat on this situation of his relationship with the kids. Although he's lived here he hasn't been "here" in years. It seems he thinks things can be solved by a trip to the ice cream parlor. It's his issue and I will gladly stay out of it so he can face the music.
Well, remember how h bought a MLC roadster in the early days of all this? Then in the very dark days of spring he sold it?
Yesterday I am in my car in the driveway talking to a client. H pulls up in a new (used car) and is smiling like the cheshire cat. He stops the car right beside me so I can get a good, long look. (All I can imagine is spray painting: "this is my 2nd MLC car" on the side of it.)
When I am done I go in and ask if this is in addition to or instead of his current car. He is not sure. I know it's in addition. From the dorm room he sends me a text saying I can use it anytime and gives me a smiley face. Then he tells me the make and model of it with another smiley face. I text back, "great, tomorrow I will take the dog to the beach in it." Ha ha. H keeps his cars as clean as an operating room. Remember, three days ago he wanted to split everything 50/50 and came at me like a cobra.
Lately when I think of him, I picture a 2 year old on the floor kicking and screaming and rolling himself into things to get attention. I just see myself making sure there are no sharp objects around and then stepping over him.
Later at dinner, we all joke about the car. H is meticulous about his cars. The kids joke they will eat in it as there are trays in the back seat. H says, yeah, wishful thinking. S10 asks then why are there trays? I say: "so you can better pretend you can eat in the car. What are you going to pretend to eat back there?" They begin to search for the messiest foods and decide on BBQ wings. I say: "we won't even be allowed to swallow our own saliva in there" and even miserable h laughs. He tells me again that I can use it all the time. (Until of course he goes crazy again.)
I went out with friends last night. Had a great time. Took my own car.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Your situation is just so funny...now another MLC car. He really wanted you to take notice of it. I can't believe he keeps them so clean and yet, the dorm is such mess.
Oh, yes, they act like two year olds when they have their little tantrums. Try to think of them on the floor, kicking their fat little legs and holding their breath. Also, think of when your sons were teething...that's another scenario to envision when they are acting out.
You did very well w/this latest MLC act.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh Hawho. You handled that so well. Three years ago I was hit by a car as it tried to cross the hwy and it totaled my car. When we got the pay out, H wanted to buy a fancy luxury SUV. I, knowing we were financially already spread thin, dared to tell him I didn't think we could afford it (the payout was only enough for a down payment). He had a major temper tantrum/meltdown and yelled that he could afford whatever he wanted.
When the salesman called a week later to see if H was still interested in the vehicle, he asked if I was "Bubbles", H's ladyfriend. Apparently they test drove the vehicle together after H's meltdown. Needless to say, H got an explosive reaction from me...and no luxury vehicle.
Funny that he's now suddenly so worried about money and unable to pay for anything. His MLC has been going on for years.
You never cease to amaze me with your ability to stay cool yet firm, and keep your sense of humor about your MLCer.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
So, regarding the car, h did go through a period where his car was quite messy. It was during the deep, deep fog. There was junk everywhere.
It's funny you all think I did so well with his latest toy, another MLC car. It's not so expensive but a little bit more than the first one he bought. I felt well prepared for this scenario as one of my sister's had the following happen to her and I tried to mirror her as best I could. This is a funny one.
My sister's h bought himself a very expensive new car without even running it by her! It was in the garage and she was talking to me on her phone when she pulled into the garage and first saw it. She couldn't believe her eyes and she couldn't believe he just up and bought it! Well, she came into the house and said not a word about it. Her h was waiting ready to get all sorts of attention for the car. She could tell. She said nada.
The next day, they had to go somewhere. My sister got in the new car and drove all around without saying anything!!! At the end of the day, he finally came up to her and was annoyed when he said "well, aren't you going to say ANYTHING about my new car?" She said "oh, is it new? I hadn't noticed." LOL!!
Ciluzen, that's a pretty crazy story about you receiving the call from the dealer and him asking if you were Bubbles. Wow. I have been following your sitch and I hate to pry but I can't help wonder where is this woman's h is in all this?
Tonight at dinner h sat with us for a long while. He seemed not to want to leave the table. That's a first. Maybe he is breaking himself in for when my family arrives and he has to pretend he is of this planet.
My family arrives next week (some on Friday and some on Sunday.) I am going to be cleaning and cleaning. I fixed our ottoman which has been broken a while. The foot fell off. H tried to glue it even though it was a screw that needed a nut?!? i waited 'til it fell off again (two days later!) and then fixed it properly.
S10 has a game tomorrow. And other than that I will be making this place spiffy. Wonder if h is going to torture the cleaner and have her return to wage battle on his bathroom/bedroom?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
You did amazingly well there WH, you should be proud of your self! I hope there will be a day when he will she what he did to you and your family, I dream the same for my H. I feel guilty having this mindset ad I don't mean to hurt him, but I really want him to know. Have a nice weekend.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I have wondered the same. He's around, and even talks to and spends time with my H now...they are friends, where before they didn't seem to be so much. Maybe he's now keeping an eye on things? But I wonder if he knows how often H and "Bubbles" had been spending time alone together. He is a busy person; works hard, very involved in his kids sports (coaching or helping coach), very friendly guy. His wife is similar. But I noticed that since our separation, especially since I explained to her that I noticed that my H was gravitating toward her when pulling away from me, from what I have seen, her H seems to be around Bubbles a lot more and they seem to do more as a family when my H is around. Before my H and Bubbles were more often doing things together while her H was at another activity or in another part of the vacation home. Just my impression from my limited contact.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Well, this will be a lengthy post and Wonka, if you're reading, as promised, your post to me did not go to waste.
So this month h bought 2nd MLC car and took a trip. It's a costly month. This am we are in the kitchen and I ask him if he has thought about how much money we should be saving each month now that we sold the rental property. He says no. I say: "I think if we play the cards right we sock a decent amount away." Somehow he circles around and says that he just spent a good amount and he feels pretty good about it as he is entitled to it. Lots of hostility in his body language as he says this.
He goes to the dorm room and I text: if we save x every month in 5 years there can be y. And get this response, straight out of the MLC playbook. He says: "I have been conserving for a decade and now it's time to think about me for a bit. Your proposal is great but not well timed for my plans. I want to enjoy the summer. You start and I'll joint you in the fall." I counter and he again says, you start and I'll join you in the fall. The texts are flying fast and we have each others' attention.
I say: "I want you to enjoy; I am not saying you live like the Amish, but let's make it reasonable. Not x dollars a month" (I state the amount he just spent between the car and his vacation.). And this is where it gets scary. He says "ha ha I would never spend that amount." And I text "you just did, this very month."
The texts grind to a halt. I can just see him pulling his socks off to count toes and do the math.
A few minutes later he pivots and goes back to starting the tit-for-tat. He tells me how I have spent more on x trip then he has. What he doesn't get is it's the TOTAL amount he just spent in 1 MONTH and he is saying he is going to continue 'til fall?!?. I bob and weave and say "well, looks like I will see you in the fall."
A few hours later I see him and he looks awful. Maybe the buzz of spending has worn off? Or maybe he is shocked he just spent like that? Then the fun really starts. He texts me and saya 5 nights in NYC, not bad, aye?" I text back, no 4 nights. He texts 5 and I correct him that the first night I am in the plane flying a red eye. And I also remind him I am splitting hotel costs with my family. Then I say, I know my itinerary so stop this now. This is new for me: the drawing a line that I am done discussing it. He is an annoying child at this point. What a man-cub.
But he goes back for more. He says he stayed on his trip one less day than I am staying in NYC. And gives a smiley face. Look at him trying to justify. I correct him. And then I say: "consider my trip payback for the months I was with the kids while you ran around until 2-3AM with "Viagra Joe," "Living with His Parents Bob" and whoever else it was you were out partying with."
And silence. The flurry of texts stop again.
And another pivot from h. He says "payback? You go out plenty and I am happy for you. I am poking fun at you for the elaborate trips you have taken and yet you have given me hypocritical whining for my trip."
And I answer "no one enjoys a good joke more than I! But your going out vs. my going out are not comparable. When is the last time I was out until 2 or 3 am? I'll tell you this. Whenever it was, it was with you, my husband. You carried on going out 'til all hours of the morning for months (with unmarried men and who knows who else) while I stayed home and played stable parent to these boys. You are a father to two young boys. And as for trips, I have never in my married life gone on a 5 day trip without someone, usually, my husband and/or my kids. Not once. And certainly not to romantic destinations. And even this time I go with married sisters." Then I say: and I am not friends with a single never married woman, as, at my age, and at this point in my life, what do I have in common with her?
And, back to a pause. I have no idea if he remembers all that running and what a fool he made of himself. He says "anyway, have fun." Wow. He is speechless. If he had a leg to stand on he would fight to the death.
And I say: "thanks, I will. And with my decency in tact." (This is low, I know, but our situations are not comparable and I refuse to act like they are.)
He says: "ha ha. I can enumerate some of your issues so careful of your criticisms of me."
I know he is talking about when I was lost in my depression. So I say: "that does not scare me anymore. I have faced my demons and reconciled with my errors. Can you say the same? The question is when you know better, do you do better?" And then I say: "I once was where you are now. But I came out of the fog. Will you?"
I went out on a limb here to see what he would say as he was in a chatty mood. Also, in the midst of my depression he tried to tell me something was wrong with me and though I didn't believe it I later remembered him trying to help me.
He says he is not in a fog nor is he erring. Then he says "enjoy your trip and your life. I wish you health and happiness."
So stupid as 5 minutes later we leave together for S10's game. We act as if and this is new for us as we used to distance from each other after these kinds of interactions. And even stranger. I am not at all mad!! I say: "well let's take the new car out" and joke "let's see where all that money went." He scoffs in a happy way. And I am ready to tease him about it.
When he starts it I say: "geez, sounds like it will break down on the highway!! For that money I was expecting the engine to purr like a kitten." He laughs. He defends his new toy.
Funniest thing, when we get to the place my door won't open!! I have to roll down my window and open the door from the outside. Of course, you know me. I had a field day with that one and all at his expense. He seemed to take it in stride.
I will lie low now and see if any of it sinks in. Thank you Wonka. You were right. You can't always stuff it all.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
