Life's a Dance-One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

[HaWho]

Melweb and 2Times- I believe there is a pattern here. The fact that these MLCers react the way they do probably brands them as chronically difficult people. Clearly, they all have a very low levels of coping. They always had unresolved issues that always lurked there and they never knew how to resolve those.

I think they would have sought out easy going people who can get along with most anyone. My suspicion is, although they may not have exhibited this level of dysfunction for quite some time, they were more difficult than the general population from the get-go and yes, we probably all made our excuses for them because most of us are "let's just get along" types.

I could probably get along okay with a serial killer. I am far from perfect but most people say I am out of the ordinary patient. I think my h would have needed this kind of personality to deal with a lot of his antics.

Now that I look back on it, my h was always having an issue with someone. He always had poor coping skills, truth be told. But not like this: where he hid in a room! I think he blew situations up and it was probably a way of re-directing anger that he did not know how to process.

I know a lot about his childhood and it does give me tremendous compassion as a wife and as a mother myself. As nutty as he seems, given what he went through, he should an even lower level of functioning statistically speaking.

[melweb]

Some updates to my sitch and a confession:

I went to Mexico with H last week. I agreed to go, after first saying "no," during one of his "in" moments. And after several "in and out" moments that you all know of, I decided I was going for ME!! That I would have a great time regardless of which side of the fence he was on!! I bought some sexy dresses and underwear and, dammit, I was going!!

Well, the Tuesday before we leave H, has an "in" moment and by Friday he is back out. I'm like "Whatever, dude!" By Saturday night he is back "In" and asks me to look into MC when we get back. I say I need proof the A is over--I see the NC text he sends her and he blocks her phone # and on FB. The week in Mexico is awesome (or so I think!) We really did have a good time, hung by the pool, I got a spa etc. I saw him having fun, relaxed--I rarely see him like this. He is usually stressed/depressed because of work (and his double life probably)

By last night I am leery to ask for NC confirmation, but I must. So I say "I found an MC we might like, when is good time for you?" He says "nights." I say "A is over right? Because we cannot fix this if you are in active A." He says "yes, why do you ask?" Me: I am just making sure. When did you last contact her? H: Mexico. Me:Wow!!! H: Mutual friend reached out to me and asked me to contact her because she is not doing well. Its been 5 months, you cannot just expect me shut off my feelings. Me: No, but those feelings won't go away if you're still in contact with her. H: I'm trying.

Which is totally bogus!! He is not trying at all, not if he is still having contact and sexting her.

Anyhow, he says he will still go to MC, but I am not sure if its even worth it. (I know I need to go tho.) Says he wants to work on M, but afraid in 6-8 months, his feelings for me still haven't returned. (He needs passion remember)

I am dropping the rope. Again.

[melweb]

So H thinks that I think that he is "trying to" end his A, but I know that is a lie!!

He wants to have a talk tomorrow night after work, away from the house. I say "Because you leaving in June?" He says "I do not know." I say "I will not share you." He says "I know." I say "I do not think you do." He says "If the situation was reversed, I would not even be able to look at you right now."

So I am uncertain what the conversation will be about, but I need to set some boundaries. If he wants to have A, then he needs to leave in June. If he wants to work on marriage then get some balls and tell her that A is over and NO CONTACT!---Is that too ultimatum-ish??

I just cannot go on with this back and forth/ in and out anymore. Its killing me!!

I reached out to an MC, she says counseling is worth it as long as both parties are willing. It would start off more like discernment counseling, with more individual counseling, until the couple decides all other relationships are done and are ready to repair this relationship. If we get to that point, we move into actual couples counseling. I am still uncertain if this is worth it right now. Any thoughts on this?

[2Times2Many]

Mel, your h sounds like he is still very confused and is trying to figure out which way to go. It sort of looks like he wants to keep you on the hook for now because he isn't quite sure what he wants to do. He needs that anchor.

I don't know if your insistence that he end the A or leave in June is an ultimatum or not (sounds like it to me) but I do know that you have to be willing to follow through with whatever consequences you say will happen if he doesn't end it (he moves out). Otherwise, you lose your credibility with him. Just like with a child.

You also have to consider that he will just lie to you about it if it continues. From all I've read on here, you have to let that affair die a natural death.

Regardless of all that, I'm sending virtual hugs your way.

By the way, my h frequently asked to join in on "my" vacations and we seemed to have a great time. But once we got back to the normal routine of life, all the MLC stuff came right back. I avoid vacationing with him now.

[melweb]

Thanks 2T-- I hear what you're saying regarding the "ultimatum."
And its really not what I want to do. I wanted to: 1) Let him make that very hard decision of walking out on his family, instead of kicking him out 2) Let the A die a natural death -but it seems to picking up a life of its own, and its happening right under my nose!!

I do not want to be a doormat.

[Sotto]

Hi Melweb, we S at BD so my sitch is different - but I can certainly understand you finding the situation intolerable.

My H seemed unsure about things for a while. We met up once and chatted, had a big hug. He seemed wistful and later told me how swept away he felt by me and how he so wanted to hold my hand. But I later found out that he was all booked to fly off and visit OW the following weekend. Ugh.

When he later told me about wanting to hold my hand and be romantic. I clearly told him that there will be no romantic R with me while he is in any way involved with someone else. Now, I haven't seen him since that point, he is still with OW and he filed for D. But actually, I never regretted saying that to him, and I never wavered on that point either. It was a sanity saver.

I would say - think primarily of your own comfort and sanity here - and protect those things first and foremost. Xx

[bttrfly]

my thought is IC could really help you sort thru the myriad feelings you are experiencing right now. you are going thru a lot, and the support would be helpful. Have you a DB coach? it's sometimes hard to find someone pro marriage is why i ask.

Mel only you can determine what is right for you moving forward. You need to find that still, quiet place within you wherein lie your answers. Keep breathing. Do you meditate? Do something physical to get rid of the stress. Even a walk will help get that excess energy out so you can get closer to that stillness within.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. xoxoxo

[melweb]

Thanks so much Sotto and bttrfly. I appreciate your support.

SO I cut H off at the pass. He came to ask me where I wanted to go tonite for drinks and "the talk." Me: I don't care. But I can save us $50. Just tell me if you are leaving in June. You've told me 5 times already. It won't be a shock. H: Yes,I think we should separate. Me:I think so too. This is emotionally and physically killing me. Calling her from Mexico was the ultimate betrayal. H:I didn't call her. (Semantics here--he texted/sexted her) Me: In fact, if there was a way for me and S15 to not be here when you get back (from biz trip), I would do it . H: No sense in bringing S15 into this, if anyone should leave, it should be me. ME: Ok. If OW is the one you want, then go. I hope you two are very happy.

At the moment I am ok. I needed this to happen for my sanity and health, like Sotto mentioned. It wasn't an ultimatum after all, so I guess that part is good.

Here is where I am at right now, in no particular order;
1) I still love him (just not his actions)and want this marriage to work.
2) With all my heart, I do not want him to leave in June, but I do believe it is for the best, for my sanity and for his consequences.
3)I do think this A will die a natural death as there are just too many negatives against it--ie.. they are both still married;they live 3 hours away from each other in different states; when he leaves, he is not going to be living with her--so jumping ship but not onto a life raft, per say.
4)I would not be surprised if he comes back "in" some time in the next 5 weeks, before he leaves in June (IF he leaves in June. Saying it and doing it are two different things!)

I have decided to go to IC. In order to take my insurance they need a mental health diagnosis, but I am pretty sure I qualify for depression right now--not eating or sleeping very well. I am not sure if she is pro marriage but I will make sure before I go further with her.

B--I do walk at the gym and yoga. I love both. I try to meditate but find I have ADD, especially right now.:/

H is basically out of town for the next 3 weeks, home on weekends. I can use the breathing room for sure. When he is home, I will be happy, upbeat and confident--he does not get to be in charge of my emotions any longer!!

[Sotto]

Hi Melweb, I'm glad you had that convo on your terms and were strong throughout. I'm always a little wary of posting - I think you made the right decision - because am I just trying to reinforce my own earlier decision.....but anyway - I think you made the right decision!

You know already that your H will continue to try and keep you 'hooked in' and will be in touch with OW covertly. From the very bottom of my heart, I knew that wasn't something I could live with. And I understand why you would do this for your own health and sanity. Those are the top level priorities here - your own health and sanity, your family and finances. If we can all come through to the other side with these things intact and good PMA - it's a win - however things ultimately unfold with your H.

I just posted in my sitch - well, if he wants to grab the wooden spoon instead of first raffle prize (moi ) well that's up to him. I hope you can feel the same way about your own situation, and start making some lovely plans for yourself.

Take care xx

[bttrfly]

Hi Mel,
That was very brave and strong of you and I'm proud of you for taking this approach. I know it's hard to meditate right now. You can do a walking meditation where you walk and focus on breathing - just breathing. That's all you have to do today is breathe. You've taken care of all the other immediate things. Focusing on your breathing will help slow down your mind.

Again, I'm so sorry it's come to this. I do believe your H loves you. I agree with you that the probability of this A blowing up in a very short time is high. What I would not like to see is you waiting around for that to happen rather than pursuing your own GAL activities, but I think you're too determined for that.

Stay strong - we are here for you xoxoxo