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vise82 Offline OP
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Hey

Almost had to go home from work today. I was loosing it after finding out an employee last day is tomorrow. And a co worker called in sick. I don't know why but it just felt like everyone was abandoning me, felt alone.

I wanted to leave work. I found a quiet place to collect myself and I think I will be ok. I didn't like my last post as it sounded like a pity party for me.

Then I read this on cherry's thread:

It's hard at times, but I'm determined to stay in this mindset. I realize I'm a catch, and I have a lot to offer. It's up to him if he wants to join in this life with me. But my, would he be a fool if he decides not to.

This is the attitude that I need to have.

Join this life with me.

I need to have my own life going on. Just having a hard time picturing what that will look like. I have some work to do with that.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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Hang in there vise.

There will be good days and bad. I know the sensation. i am trying to stay present in the moment. It helps shorten the painful times and it helps me feel a more heightened joy in the good moments. I find the guilt and depression comes from looking backwards and trying to fix what we can't fix. I find the sadness and anxiety comes from looking forward to what things were supposed to be, or what I believe it will now be that she has left. Neither of these serve a purpose in this moment and they actually keep us from doing what we must do.

Live in the moments of enjoying time with your children, live in the moment of GAL activities, live in the moment of study and reading material that will provide you with knowledge for improvement, live in the moments of prayer and spiritual experiences. You will find joy in this manner.

And when the moment is one of pain or sadness do not fight it. Accept it, acknowledge it and let it pass. It will only last for a short time if you do this. Check out some meditation info to see how this may benefit you.

Focus on the children, post in here for support, and offer support to others. When we focus on others, our pain does come down. I know it is a challenge, but many here have survived what we are going through and have come out better on the other side. This can provide hope that we are also going to do the same.

May you experience some peace today my friend I'll check back soon to see how you are doing.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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otw Offline
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Vise,
My man. I know your pain as we all do. I have noticed as the days keep counting down you seem to be slipping. I have noticed a big decline in your attitude and mental outlook.

We need to find a way to get you back on top asap.

I dont think you can wait for soccer to start or just keep walking the dog. You have got to get out and make friends. I really do not care how but you must immediately.

What do you like to do? What did you used to like to do?

What have you always been interested in?

you have to give me something here then you have to dive in.

Very hard to force but you have to.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
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vise82 Offline OP
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Hey Sadhub and OTW,

Thanks for checking in on me. Yes this is a tough time for all of us.

I was into auto racing for three years before I got married. Road track entry level stuff.

Last night W tried to get money out of me. Was trying to get me to pay for things that were paid on a credit card. First of all we agreed to not put things on a credit card, and second she did not even ask me.

She is having money problems and she has not even moved to her new place yet.

It got to the point she was very angry, and threatened me with changing the S agreement. She was pushing my buttons and was spewing because she wasn't getting what she wanted.

I had to leave.

I came back later and said again I was not paying anything on the credit card. She agreed and we worked something out and I paid for my share of the bills.

W took kids this morning to wedding

She emailed me this morning about the dog and having the kids call me to night while they are away.

I replied this after noon. said yes I will take care of the dog and it will be nice to hear from the kids tonight.

I feel nothing today, like its not the end of the MR and not the begining. The completed S agreement was sent to me today. It just makes it all feel final. Seeing her get mad last night was a wake up for me. The disrespect is still there. The resentment is still there.

I am meeting up with a old friend tomorrow. He will bring it all into perspective for me.

He has gone through this also but he left his W after he found out she drained him of every cent. His W wanted to come back but he said no. she wanted to come back after that, he still said no. They are not together. He has a new girlfriend now. They had no kids.

My goal is to pack up the garage. In the meantime I will have to bite my tongue as the neighbor that was the catalyst for this S will I bet, be sending reports to W about what I am doing, going ect.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 626
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Vise,
Clean breaks like your friend's are a lot easier without kids. Unfortunately we're stuck seeing our WW forever.


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 724
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vise82 Offline OP
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Hey CWOL,

I am realizing that. I was trying to have no contact except for talking to kids, W calls and she doesnt really talk but enough then i talk to kids but you can tell she has the phone on speaker. She talks to me between kids. she said that our oldest is giving her a hard time. She calls the house phone first. I dont answer, then the cell rings.

I am doing good, working on packing. Getting easily distracted though.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
S
SH_ Offline
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Posts: 1,732
hey vise.

Sounds like some white anger for you after the W blow up about the finances.

White anger is good. It can be sed to accomplish good stuff as well as heal from this. Vanilla taught me about that. Anger is part of a cycle we go through.

I am through 2 weeks separated from WAW, and the pain is becoming less and the white anger is becoming more. I am though having some challenges when the white anger spills into the red anger, but that is another story. Sufficeth, my WAW is still spewing anger, she is just doing it via my d17, and it is tipping me a bit to the anger, that I do not want to hold for to long.

You sound a little better, and that is good. Stay busy, acknowledge the pain, let it pass, and be the best dad ever when you see the kids.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 724
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vise82 Offline OP
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Hey Sadhub,

W and I went so long with out an argument, It was weeks i think, It was disheartening to have one again.

It just that we had a plan for the finaces and she took it upon herself to deviate from that agreed plan, and she thought nothing of it. She couldnt understand why i was questioning it.

I did tell her it was disrespectful to change how we were paying for things and not talk to me about it first.

Then she tells me to stop lecturing her and that she wont talk to me if i keep talking to her like she is a child.

She was just showing how much she really does not care what i think. And that she is putting on a show for me right now. Her real self was the angry self wanting to do what she wants regardless of what i think. Maybe mind reading and part observation on my part right now.

I have been past the anger stage for a while now. Almost 11 months into an in house S. It will be one month after we both move out that a year has past, then she is free to file for D if she wants legally. When she does it? who knows. I would hope she will wait to see how it goes with us living S. It must be a game changer. So different that the old dynamic cant continue if it tried. I think for myself if I find she is involved with another guy I will file myself. I am in no rush though. And of course that could change.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
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You are not past the anger phase completely, it will come back up. It's not linear and we all cycle through each stage many, many times.

"I was into auto racing for three years before I got married. Road track entry level stuff."

Speak more about this. It is still a passion, can you get back into it, what did you love about it? Do a full post only on this. And try to go 3 days posting about you without mentioning W at all.

Every single post of yours is listing out every action W does, how is that helping you right now? I did the same and know it's just keeping your mind 100% focused on W.

What matters most is you finding who your are, finding a passion in life instead of just a temporary distraction, learning about yourself and growing, getting out of your comfort zone to do these things, etc.

Self help books can also help you learn the issues about yourself (what have you read so far?)but you will need to get out of your head and comfort zone and find something that really makes you feel alive. The problems your facing now are all on you, not W. You and you alone are responsible for how your life turns out and if you're happy. So I ask, are you happy right now with who you are? What needs to be different to make that answer a yes


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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vise82 Offline OP
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Hey Fogg,

Ok auto racing.

I was done high school and after a very sucssefull football carrer in highschool, winning MVP two years in a row and our school every year at the championships only to lose i found that i peaked. Football was my life.

I left football and entered into a trade school. while in trade school I thought that i would do something different and because auto race is primarilly a solitary sport and seeing how my social skill were not the best i thought it would be a good fit. I was already tearing apart cars and working on them and my friends cars so I had that skill.

My summers off I took a weekend racing school and entered into a racing series. This was a lot of money and most of the racers were what my age is now. I decided to race young and not to save the money.

The first year was disastrous for me, still learning, was at the bottom every race, had rally old tires but i learned fast.

Second year I was doing better and with new tires I won, I was able to finish the series with a second place in my class.

The third year I really pushed it, was on track to win my class but was plagued with two roll overs and having to rebuild the car on the last roll over. Although I did see more event wins and faster lap times, It was more of a struggle just to have a car ready so i did not miss an event. I did not miss one event despite the roll overs.

That was my last year. moth balled the car and really have not worked on it since, was focused on my w (girlfriend at the time).

Did some weekend drag racing here and there while dating, nothing too serious. I sold my other three street/race cars but held onto one. Sold my race car trailer and installed a bumper hitch tow bar on the race car. Sold the race tow vehicle and bought a mini van that had some towing capacity.
Sold all car parts not related to racing. Had to reduce what i had in a three car garage to fit in a one car garage and some room in the basement.

Then moved again and had to get all the racing stuff into a one car garage and what was to be a loft above the garage but it never got built. Race car had to sit out side until the storage loft was built but was not a priority the last couple of years.

The new house I am moving to has a two car garage. W actual found the house. funny how she cares that I have a two car garage now and not when we bought the current house we are in. Its in the school zone so I agreed to move there and sell our current house, getting the S moving as W was threatening to take me to court.

I have every intention in getting back into it, even if its just parking lot type event for now. Kids are at age now that they will be leaning how to build and set up a race car as I get back into racing again.

really its ALMOST everything I always wanted, and if W decides to join me in this life i build on my own, thats her decision.

Yesterday I found a car club that is having a car show, swap meet and they have a list of orphaned car companies that the members own. The car I race is one of them. I will be checking that out. Maybe join.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
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