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Twinmom,

My 17yr old Alana does watch the kids from time to time. I have had her watch the kids so I could go out. I've maybe gotten out one evening every 2 weeks or so. She is a senior going to prom this weekend and also heading to college this summer. She has been pretty busy and has started to complain to my W when I have her watch the kids and my W backs her when possible.

Love the suggestions. I've been trying to get friends to go hang out, but most are married and busy with their families. I live the suggestions of things to do by myself just to get out.

My wife comes home anywhere from 9pm-11pm the evenings she works.

I went our a month ago and bought a few new shirts and cologne. Maybe its time for a few more smile

I am a casual person I would say. I've been trying to dress up as much as possible without looking like I'm dressing up ha.


M:13 years
Known her for 30 years!
Me: 40
W: 38
Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7
BD: 02/07/2016
Found EA: 3/22/2016
Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16
Got Papers: 6/15/16
Scotch #2672204 04/27/16 08:33 AM
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Hi Scotch,

Telling the kids is tricky. Michele's position on how to tell the children is in an article that she wrote in May of 2015. Please email me if you would like me to send you the link.

I'm assuming you still want to reconcile with your wife, right? I strongly urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting coach as soon as possible. There is still much that can be done. Call me to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Cristy #2672440 04/28/16 06:19 AM
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Scotch Offline OP
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Thanks Cristy!

The whole telling the kids scares me! I feel once this is done she won't turn back. This seems to be her drive right now, to get it over with. I would think filing would come first but for her, she's pushed to tell the kids since the start of this.

Yesterday after work I had a job interview followed by a counseling appnt. She texted me suggesting I remember to talk over with my counselor anything I need to about telling the kids.

When I came home I acted happy and short. She asked how it went with the interview and I quickly replied nicely "fine, thanks". She had planned to go out that night and asked if that was still ok. Again a quick reply back to her and said have a great time. She then started grilling me saying something is wrong, I should tell her. I kept saying that nothing was wrong while smiling, then went up to shower. She came up after I finished before she left and said maybe tomorrow you can tell me whats wrong. I'm not sure if It was my happy nature or short answers that threw her off.


M:13 years
Known her for 30 years!
Me: 40
W: 38
Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7
BD: 02/07/2016
Found EA: 3/22/2016
Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16
Got Papers: 6/15/16
Scotch #2672599 04/28/16 02:25 PM
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Even better if you're not home at 9pm..... man of mystery!

Go watch a game at a bar, chat up the bartender(man or woman, I'm not implying flirting just conversation)

I highly suggest doing some charity work. It makes you feel good, gives you something to do & helps others!

I found a new hobby (making $$$$) mystery shopping, rewards apps & taking the extreme couponing that I had done for years to an even higher level.

I'm not saying I didn't struggle (oh lord if you read my threads I'm a blabbering emotional fool on a string) but these things did help take my mind off my sitch & lift my spirits.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Hi Scotch,

I too dreaded that convo of telling my kids. Granted my WW moved out before we did, so I think they knew something was going on....I did some research on the bullet points to cover, discussed it with my WW and told her that she was the one that needed to deliver the message. It wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be, they probably already know something is wrong and the reassurance that mom and dad will always love them might help. We didn't say the D word, just that she needed her own place. I think baby steps is best, but I have seen it both ways. I actually felt a huge weight lifted off me once we told them.

Only thing was WW told them she just needed her own place for a "little while" so I think they still hold onto her coming home. Do the research and let her deliver the message and your job is to NOT CRY, or BE SAD. You need to act positive for them, and just shower them with your love, affirmation, validation. Also, do it somewhere you can all get dessert or something right after to change the subject. No easy way, but know it will not be as big of a deal as you think

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Cube, thanks for the reassurance!! I've done as much research as someone can do. And I want my wife to state we disagree on divorcing, but it takes two in a M like Michelle suggests. I feel my kids should know I didn't want this without shooting blame at her. Show them it's ok to fight for what you want. Interesting on the no crying or sad statement. Haven't heard that before. Can you expand on that theory?

Twinmom,
Your right, I can still be gone whenever she gets home. And I love the charity suggestion! I'm one of those guys were my W says I was emotionally unavailable. Both our communication wasn't very good and her work schedule I realized hurt us. Too much time apart! It seems like a dance to show her my changes in communication I'm working on through counseling but be dark and mysterious at the same time. Very tough daily with not seeing her a lot during the week. I feel her pulling away more from me


M:13 years
Known her for 30 years!
Me: 40
W: 38
Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7
BD: 02/07/2016
Found EA: 3/22/2016
Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16
Got Papers: 6/15/16
Scotch #2672678 04/28/16 09:14 PM
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Originally Posted By: Scotch
Cube, thanks for the reassurance!! I've done as much research as someone can do. And I want my wife to state we disagree on divorcing, but it takes two in a M like Michelle suggests. I feel my kids should know I didn't want this without shooting blame at her. Show them it's ok to fight for what you want. Interesting on the no crying or sad statement. Haven't heard that before. Can you expand on that theory?



Hi Scotch,

I totally get where you are coming from, but I really don't think that your looking at this right. This conversation is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is not about who wants this and who doesn't. THEY WILL SEE THAT ONE DAY. She is there mom, and they love her just as they do you.<--think about that. There is NO winner and NO loser in this for them. This conversation is about explaining to them what is going to happen and your goal as a loving father should be to minimize the pain this sitch will have on them.

I think your statement about wanting them to see she wanted this and you didn't, and the fact you haven't seen anything about not crying or being sad means that you have not done as much research as anyone can do. This seems to be 101, from my googles. You need to do more research. Make sure that you and your W discuss the convo before. Be on the same page, even if it is not a book you want to read. I know that you are hurting, and I know it is not fair. You have to "Take on for the team" here.

They will look to you for emotional guidance on how to react, if you are sad, they will be sad. IF you are STRONG, they will have a better shot at being strong. Sorry for the 2x4, but again. THIS IS NOT ABOUT WHO IS RIGHT AND WRONG. THIS IS NOT ABOUT WHO WANTS THIS. It is about your kids, and one of the most life changing conversations they might ever have. Do your part to minimize this impact. Your WW doesn't deserve this but your kids do.

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Originally Posted By: cubebot
Sorry for the 2x4


I welcome ALL 2x4's!

I tell my family all the time, don't hold back, tell me what I need to hear, always. Otherwise I only have the thoughts in my head to go on and they aren't always clear.

I truly haven't seen don't cry or be sad on sites I've looked at. I will take the time to look at more sites today. And maybe your right, I can research even more. Maybe I've been seeing what I want to see as well.

And yes, I want to take this book I'm reading, burn it, dig a 10 foot hole to put it in and build a mountain on top of it. In other words, save this M smile

She mentioned last night that we are going to start going over what we want to say tonight so here we go...


M:13 years
Known her for 30 years!
Me: 40
W: 38
Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7
BD: 02/07/2016
Found EA: 3/22/2016
Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16
Got Papers: 6/15/16
Scotch #2672842 04/29/16 10:35 AM
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Hi Scotch,

Be cautious when having the conversation with you wife about how to proceed with telling the children. "On the same page" (from your wife's perspective) seems to be a common thread in your posts. You want to be very careful right now!

Please refer to Michele's article that I emailed to you. Read it several times so that it is second nature.

Do you have time to speak with a DB Coach today before this conversation with your wife is supposed to take place?

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Originally Posted By: cubebot
Originally Posted By: Scotch
Cube, thanks for the reassurance!! I've done as much research as someone can do. And I want my wife to state we disagree on divorcing, but it takes two in a M like Michelle suggests. I feel my kids should know I didn't want this without shooting blame at her. Show them it's ok to fight for what you want. Interesting on the no crying or sad statement. Haven't heard that before. Can you expand on that theory?



Hi Scotch,

I totally get where you are coming from, but I really don't think that your looking at this right. This conversation is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is not about who wants this and who doesn't. THEY WILL SEE THAT ONE DAY. She is there mom, and they love her just as they do you.<--think about that. There is NO winner and NO loser in this for them. This conversation is about explaining to them what is going to happen and your goal as a loving father should be to minimize the pain this sitch will have on them.

I think your statement about wanting them to see she wanted this and you didn't, and the fact you haven't seen anything about not crying or being sad means that you have not done as much research as anyone can do. This seems to be 101, from my googles. You need to do more research. Make sure that you and your W discuss the convo before. Be on the same page, even if it is not a book you want to read. I know that you are hurting, and I know it is not fair. You have to "Take on for the team" here.

They will look to you for emotional guidance on how to react, if you are sad, they will be sad. IF you are STRONG, they will have a better shot at being strong. Sorry for the 2x4, but again. THIS IS NOT ABOUT WHO IS RIGHT AND WRONG. THIS IS NOT ABOUT WHO WANTS THIS. It is about your kids, and one of the most life changing conversations they might ever have. Do your part to minimize this impact. Your WW doesn't deserve this but your kids do.



Yes, this! Except I don't agree with the don't cry/don't be sad... try your best to keep it together but be real.
This is DEFINITELY not the time to make it clear who wants out and who doesn't. Don't put the kids in the middle & play the blame game (even if it's true).


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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