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LED22 Offline OP
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Thank you HaWho...I have so much to say to respond to you...we are married to the same man and I also am a talker and a reasoner...beat the horse till its dead and then some.

I will write more later or tomorrow...h should be home soon and D14 and D10 need me to help with homework.

Please check back tomorrow. I am going to be to the point. Hand him the spreadsheet, explain it matter of factly and then go to bed.

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Hi led, you got really great advice. I really learned a lot from hawho when my w was living downstairs. You mentioned wanting to confront your h on ow. I think my w was planning her move for some time as she to was also talking about getting an apartment but I confronted her about om and it made it worse. Somehow in her mind it made me the bad guy, she started telling me what a great person om was and how I didn't understand. It was like telling a teenager she couldn't date someone so that's exactly what she wanted to go do. Also even if you present him with a spreadsheet (not saying you shouldn't) I wouldn't expect him to understand or accept it. I'm glad your in control of your finances, I'm trying to clean up several messes w made before she left.

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Good morning friends!

Well...good and bad about last night. I handed him our finances and we went over it. I did it basically tear free...a couple of slip ups.

I was matter of fact. I then told him I was going to inform my parents this weekend. I told him I couldn't leave them in the dark and I needed their support. H parents know and our parents are close friends...they need to hear it from me.

Then a bit of R talk (I know, I know...) and he told me he is very confused...doesn't want to be married but lately has been thinking of the kids and our family. H knows how I feel about D so I said that I think D is a final option and things have to be awful. Currently, our financial situation would result in both of us suffering if he leaves. I didn't say that to him, he kind of figured it out on his own.

I told him if he is going to stay then it would be nice if we were a family, whether he is happily married or not. He then held up his thumb and pointer finger about an inch apart and said "you have this much..." I told him to hold on to that inch of hope, confusion, etc...with every thread of his being. I told him I am handling all the burden of the house, kids, etc...he agreed and said I was doing a good job. I then started talking about working on things and then stopped because I just didn't want to get into it. I went to bed.

When H came to bed I was still awake so all I said was "Thank you for listening" and he said your welcome.

This morning when I woke him up he said good morning first. He then asked what my plans were for tonight because he has been out the last 3 Fridays in a row. I told him I wasn't sure. To be honest, part of me wants to go out and the other wants to pour myself a big drink, get in my pjs and veg on the couch. Both D's have sleepovers. H doesn't know that.

I then brought up ow (ugh!) and he again insisted they are just friends. I told him I haven't checked phone records because it is too hurtful to see (who is the liar now?!?) and what would I see if I looked. He said you would see calls, I am not hiding anything. I told him I feel their R is a threat to our marriage and he disagrees.

This weekend we have a party tomorrow at his parents and I told him if he didn't want me there I wouldn't be..he said I "can" go and we "can" go to the show we have tix to on Sun night. One thing I know about H is that "can" means "wants to" and "OK' means all is good and he is liking something. He doesn't get overly excited about anything.

So some backslides, more conversation than I have had in a while. He did tell me he didn't talk to me because he doesn't want me to think that because he is talking to me he wants to be married. What??

So now I sit with to tell or not tell my parents...believe him that he is holding on by a thread or blowing smoke. H did tell me the apartment was big but the neighborhood was not nice...I told him moving there from our house would be a downgrade but that is up to him.

Financially he knows where we stand. Emotionally he knows where I stand, I know how he feels. I was very careful not to tell him how to think, do, act. I told him that...he said he appreciated it.

OK...Let's hear it!

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LED22 Offline OP
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Oh! H did ask me a question "Why do you want to be married to me if I don't want to be married to you?"

I told him our family unit means the world to me and I think kids should be raised by both parents (especially when the M is good...not now its not but overall). I told him I love him and that he is worth it. I also told him I was proud to be his wife. I said this nicely, quietly and matter of factly. No tears or questions back to him.

He said thank you for answering my question.

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Led - all in all, nice job!

So, that bit about him saying he doesn't talk to you because he doesn't want you to think he wants to be married? I had heard similar in the early days. They don't want to feel the pressure to make the r work and they don't want us to get our hopes up. They are very confused and they can feel guilty if they feel they are stringing us along. (At times though, they have no qualms about stringing us along.)

Also, he may avoid talking to you because he dreads impending questions about ow and your r. Stay away from those as that equals pressure.

My advice, if you want to keep him in the house, is to back off completely. When he goes out on Friday nights don't say a word. Give him tons of space so that there is no pressure on him. Don't come across as his mom in any way as that equals pressure. Ask nothing of him. This will be hard, I know. But if you believe in MLC and I am sure your eyes are showing you it's terribly real, he needs space and time.

He will become increasingly selfish and you will need to find ways to get the stress out without talking to him. In the early days I thought of my h as a house guest. How would you treat a house guest who was visiting?

If he tells you he is confused, maybe very calmly just say "there's no reason to do anything rash" and walk out the room. Create the illusion that there's all the time in the world because he is feeling the walls of time squeeze in on him. He is scared that life is passing him by. He may forget about the finances being tight so you may need to repeat there is little money each time he mentions an apartment.

Get busy for you and give him space without any pressure.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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LED22 Offline OP
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Thanks! I went through all this before when he turned 40. The only difference was he bailed...literally told me and walked out the door leaving me with D9months and D4 at the time.

I heard all the same things and he ditched us. Didn't see kids much at all. This also happened at 30 when he and his first w divorced.

I did ask if he sees a pattern and what is going to happen when he turns 60...He said "maybe I'll be dead..." Of course, not unexpected.

I am torn about telling my parents. It is going to change their R with him forever no matter how this plays out. I worry about that because they were by me every second the last time so I don't want to cause them worry. Him asking me to hold off? Not sure why he did that.

I need to be still. Not talk about anything and get through the events we have this weekend. Funny thing is we enjoy each others company usually.

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LED22 Offline OP
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After looking at the finances, I wonder if it may be in my best interest to consult an L...just to know my legal rights. H told me he did look at child support guidelines. This threw me a little but then again...let him look.

He told me he looked at checking accts that had no fees. Again, let him look.

I asked if he had consulted and L and he said no.

H left for work this morning with the financial spreadsheet in hand...let him work with it.

H mentioned I could refi the house...let him mention it. I will do what I think is best in my situation.

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"Mom",
If you can hold off a bit longer in telling your parents, I would. You don't want to spoil Mother's Day for your mother and right now, everything is still up in the air, i.e., he's home and still communicating w/you for the most part.

Also, do not ask him if he's seen a lawyer...you are planting seeds in his head and you do not need to help him water them. I would advise you to seek the advice of a lawyer, just so you know what your rights are...but do not tell him what you've learned. This info is for you and your children.

Overall, your conversations w/him in the last 24 hours went well...but you now need to step back and give him the space and time to digest what he has been given in the way of info. There is no need to rush things. The ow...no more talk of her. All you are doing is pushing him closer to him by doing so, i.e., regardless of whether they are friends or not.

Now, it's time to focus on you and your girls. Give him enough time and space to choke on and allow him to come to you. No more relationship talks for a while.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Definitely consult a lawyer and find out your rights and what you can expect.

Also....no MLCer ever decided not to leave because of the budget. They're not that rational, plus sadly, in most cases they'll end up financially better off than you will. (Male mlcers that is).

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LED22 Offline OP
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KML,
So true! When I showed him what splitting would look like I end up in the hole.

If he wants to leave he will...I know that. Last night I could tell he is confused and isn't sure what end is up. Better to say nothing about it today, nor tomorrow, nor the next day.

I know (my rational self) that I can't do this for him, nor can anyone help him. My friend's husbands, my sister all want to talk to him but I told them no because it will either make him mad, push him into a corner or whatever.

I made mention last night that one of our friends husbands knew and the first thing out of H mouth was "what did he say?"...I said I am not sure, I didn't ask for details.

We will see how the weekend goes. I did make an L appt for a consultation on Monday. I am not going to tell him, I am just going to get info...it doesn't change the fact that I do not want a D and want my marriage to work out.

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