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Hey neighbour,
Hope today's a better day for you.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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I get along nicely with my MIL, I always have and still do. But she has the perception that I'm depressed and struggling, that it will take a long time (from now) for me to recover. She's always telling me how sad she is about it all, and assumes that I am, too. I was. I'm not anymore. It's tricky, it's her son I got over. But she needs to realize that I'm over him, and I still love her. That's the part that's going to take a while.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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I wrote the note to the former in-laws and I didn't burst into flames. I deposited the check and it is now absorbed into my financial total and I don't have to think about how to use it at all. It's just there. I will likely have to see them on Memorial Day since they're coming up to visit Mr. Fantastic so I'm trying to set myself a goal of feeling neutral about them by then. To your point, Sunny, my relationship with his mom was generally quite strained till the last three years or so before he left. To the extent it improved, I had made a huge push to make it better. When he announced to the family that he was dumping me her response was relayed to me in a manner that made it seem like she was gloating, and then she sent me an email saying I'd always be her daughter-in-law -- at a time when it was not clear that we would be divorcing. She just assumed I was going to be discarded. There is more but what it comes down to is that with the marriage over, it is much harder for me to overlook the things about her that I found challenging, and those qualities are highlighted now that I'm not incented by a family relationship to turn a blind eye to them.

New Guy spent most of the weekend with me and the kids and he fit in nicely. We worked on a major yard project this weekend and it was nice to see how he brought out the best "boy" qualities in my sons as he directed the project. I've been trying to pace how we fit him into my family but he's moving in closer and all three kids seem really comfortable with him. i really love spending time with him. He is totally different from the guy i would have built for myself in a lot of ways, but significantly better than what I would have built for myself and I'm enjoying exploring that. I will say there are one or two things about him that concern me. There are a couple of tiny ways in which he reminds me slightly of my horrible college boyfriend. But then he undoes them in other ways. Because he's so different from Mr. Fantastic, who was chosen because of how different he was from the college bf, I don't know how to evaluate these things. I don't know what kind of longevity this relationship will have but for now it's good. I just hope nobody gets hurt because of it.

It's 2:40 am here as I wrote this and the reason I'm up and posting here is that I talked to my mother today. It had been about four weeks. Since they moved into their 55+ community I've found my parents hard to reach even before I went back to work and now that I'm working this challenging job the difficulty has just multiplied. They had a lot of travel for my brothers' kids birthdays to factor in too and I couldn't keep track of their schedule. I did call a few weeks ago but after two rings it went to voicemail and I didn't leave a message. A week later my mom sent me a text. This frustrated me a lot so I didn't respond. What am I going to say to my mother in a text?

So she called and I'm exhausted and honestly, I was feeling a little defensive too. She launched into a complaint about how some clothes we'd ordered together when she was up hadn't arrived and then asked "Did you get yours?" Angrily, like she expected I had. I hadn't and said so and mentioned that the consultant we'd worked with had expressed concern about her. She complained angrily a few more minutes and I validated and apologized and did everything else I could think of to fend her off. Then she said how I wasn't in contact with her enough and when I said I had called and it went to vm she said "well I didn't get a notification," as though I was lying. At this point I just wanted to change the tone of the whole interaction so I told her about our project. She was moderately interested. Didn't say anything about NG (who she met when she was up here) and asked how the kids were doing.

She's so, so frustrating to me. She spent all this time telling me how D13 is a good kid and I should remember that. (But last fall she criticized me for D13 acting entitled.) That she's sure I'm doing great because she's sure I am. (Yes, she used that circular logic; that wasn't an awkwardly edited sentence.) Said "don't you have some test coming up?" (This is a huge exam on par with the CPA) and said she was sure I would do great. But all of this was said in a rush. Like she was just trying to move me along because she didn't want to hear what I actually had to say. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I was surrounded by laundry, I feel like I'm failing at my job, I'm nowhere near prepared for the test, and my childcare is inadequate and she started telling me how everything is awesome and then how cute my brothers' kids are.

Then she told me I should text her now and then.

I find her useless to talk to. The most passionate she was in the whole conversation was when she was complaining her clothes hadn't come and when she was angry with me for not calling. (Note she didn't call me either.) the times I don't call her are when I'm struggling the most, because I can't muster the strength to pretend everything is awesome and I feel worse when I call her. I certainly don't want to send a text. It would be like a little drive by, yes I'm alive and everything is GREAT thing. I have many flaws but fakeness is one I try to avoid.

I have been feeling a little bit isolated lately. I haven't seen much of my friends because of the job and I'm feeling like those relationships are at risk. The job isn't going as well as I'd like and though I have confidence it will get there the journey is lonely and worrisome. I have a lot of anxiety about the relationship with NG that I didn't anticipate when I started seeing him and I don't feel like I communicate those clearly or have the right people to talk to about what exactly stresses me out. I did reach out to the therapist but I haven't heard back so I guess I have to add "keep looking" to my overwhelming to-do list.

I am worried that I will be as dissatisfying to my daughter when she is an adult as my mother is to me. The only hope I have is that my mother is so self-absorbed and has such awful listening skills that maybe I'll be moderately better with my child. But I worry that I've become too self-absorbed in consequence of all the anxiety I've been carrying. I haven't been the mother I want to be to my kids and it makes me sick. But I'm struggling so hard and I'm feeling weighed down by all my responsibilities.


Me42, H40
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She believed she could, so she did.
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Maybell Offline OP
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(Sorry that was so long. I'm hoping a head dump will help me sleep.)


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Maybell, I just wanted to start with a big hug first. I can definitely relate to how you are feelings, on most levels.

Last September I restarted college and I started a long distance R at the same time. My life changed ALOT. I saw my friends often prior to that, but with school alone, a full-time job and raising my daughter, and her activities, I didn't see them much. Then traveling to exbf's everyother weekend for the whole weekend when it was my free, kidless time, I really saw them less. Nothing scared me more than losing my friends, because they are my family and lifeline. But they were so supportive of my return to school and after so long that I finally found a guy who I loved. You would be surprised at how even though you can't spend much time with them, you will find they will support you and be there for you. Those relationships are not at risk if they are your true friends. But I do think it would be beneficial to YOU to make a dinner date with them to catch up.

As far as being a good parent, woah, I have lived with the last 8 years of my life freaking out about that. I feel like I could be doing so much more and such a better job. I don't do everything right, my sense of being overwhelmed gets to me often, and I may not react perfectly all the time, but I do the best I can. She's a happy kid and I have made sure to the best of my ability she doesn't have to miss out on normal kid stuff due to divorce. I honestly don't think there is one parent who thinks they measure up to who they imagined they would be as a parent.

As of late, I have been carrying lots of anxiety too. It's really affected me, and I do pray it's not affecting my daughter. But I don't think it is. They key is to go easy on yourself. The harder you are on yourself, the more anxiety that builds. Take it from a woman who is brutally hard on herself.

Balancing everything is difficult. That often leads to anxiety. Try not to put pressure on yourself to give all aspects equal attention at all times. Some thing just need to be put on the back burner.

Keep looking for that IC. Mine has been a godsend. I feel like I rely on her almost too much, but then I realize if that's what helps and gets me through, that's a healthy thing. I could be isolating myself, drinking too much, whatever. Instead, right now my lifelines are my therapist and exercise, and I am ok with that.

You'll get through. Deep breaths.

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Hi MB,

Big big hugs.

There are so many really interesting things in your post. I agree with Ginger... I think the right IC (and it's important to try not to get too discouraged and keep looking for the right one) will probably be able to help you work through a lot of these things.

I can relate to SO MUCH of what you are going through... and probably the mom stuff the most. I've spent a lot of my IC time working through my R with my mom. I still have many moments of sadness but I've mostly accepted that she just cannot mother me the way I would like. She had a pretty messed up childhood herself...so when I am able to, I try to channel my feelings into compassion for her, rather than anger or resentment. I see a lot of mind-reading in the conversation above with your mom... She may not actually be feeling the feelings you are assigning to her. Maybe that is something to keep in mind?

I don't expect much from my mom. I do not enjoy speaking with her on the phone. I do a lot of texting with my parents, because they want to know I'm alive, and it allows me to communicate but also keep a safe distance.

And I also try to be optimistic about the fact that I am aware and reflective of my own behavior towards my daughter. That is one way I hope I'm able to break the cycle. Just last night, I noticed myself being short with her-- and then I quickly realized I was projecting anger from my stbx onto this sweet innocent little girl. I'm not perfect, but the more mindful I can be about how my feelings impact my behavior, the more control I can have over my actions.

You've come such a long way WRT your R with your daughter. Can you find compassion and kindness for yourself about that?

Big hugs to you. Hang in there. You've got a lot going on.
-Claire


Me 38 H 40
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(((Maybell)))

I love my mum but she has been very difficult in the past few years, and especially leading up to and after the D.

I was really stressed up over her condition and this added to my M problems. After the umpteenth spewing from her after the D, I finally realised enough is enough. I am not responsible for her happiness. She was not happy when I wanted to R with xh but after the D went through, she told me I deserved to be D????

Long story short, I decided she was as toxic as xh and have minimised contact with her as well. But then again, she did call me a slut for wanting to R with the ex.

I really feel that we have a lot to deal with in our sitchs. I think it is okay for us to take care of our needs first. If you feel that you cannot handle the convos with your mum, then maybe you can keep them short. Or avoid them as much as you can. Or you could offer her the benefit of doubt like what claire suggested.

But I say you should take care of your needs first. If you're in a better mood, you will probably be able to interact with her better too.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Maybell Offline OP
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Cracking up... D13 is having a sleepover at Mr. Fantastic 's new mansion, which was supposed to include movie night in the spiffy attic. Trouble is, there is no tv up there. When D13 tried to address this with her dad, he told her to figure it out. She asked if they could move his tv up there for the night. He said no and told her to ask to borrow mine for the evening. D13 said there's no way she'll agree to that. He said "She might, if YOU ask her." D 13 couldn't even ask with a straight face and said herself that it is ridiculous that he would expect me to pack up my tv and carry it across town to use in HIS house when he wont even invite me in.

Honestly, at this point it's just funny how little he's willing to take responsibility for ANYTHING.

Didn't wish me happy Mother's Day or help the kids remember it was coming. He had them this weekend and when I went to pick them up for breakfast yesterday he was SLEEPING, made me wait IN MY Car for them for 20 minutes, and was annoyed with me for being impatient while I was waiting. I'm so lucky to be rid of him. He's more childish than my children.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
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Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Movie night without the movies... Your xh is really onto something. And to suggest that D gets the TV from you instead.

(((Maybell)))

Your xh does sound like an immature PITA.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Hahaha! Sorry, the TV story is just funny.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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