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I don't think avoiding her will work every time. You need to get her attention by firmly telling her that until she convinces you that she wants to work on the MR, you do not want her dropping by the house and sharing your weekends with the daughter. She needs a wake up call.

When WW's don't get to eat cake, they don't like it. So what? You must not be concerned with her portraying you as the bad guy, b/c that is what WW's do. You don't live your life to please her! And people will think what they want to think........you have other things to worry about. Can you see this is just another way she is controlling your life? You are the only person who can stop it.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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PacLove Offline OP
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Yeah I pretty much said exactly that last night, she tried to argue it's her house and she pays for it too but I argued back that if she wants space, I also want my space when it's my time with D. I don't think this is done... but she's going to have to realise that she can't come and go as she pleases.

She was in a bit of a rush to leave - said she was tired but I think she had plans to meet OM.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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How do you decide when to throw in the towel? Only 3 weeks into separation but the A probably had been going on for a year. The more I think about the M the more

I'm beginning to wonder whether it's truly worth saving. I love my W but we had our fair share of issues and were never really aligned on our values.

Perhaps this is just part of the grieving process. Will certainly help me GAL...


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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Hi PacLove, I have a similar thing with W and house how she calls it her house too. I understand that is the reality but I just tell her it's her investment but my home, she was the one that decided to leave. I was legally allowed to change the locks as she took a key with her, can you check that out? W has tried to come by but for the moment I have not allowed it. i do think my W also expected to come and go as she pleased, hence the taking of the key.

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Very nice Si_07! Forced detachment is a very good way to do it!

PacLove, I even filed for D, and not my WW. I went through the same thing - is my M worth saving, why not just give up? I believe that it is part of the process. But you have to actually really give up on your M before you start working on yourself.

Imagine a life without her, cry like there's no tomorrow, cry again tomorrow. Move on, then move forward by yourself, with yourself.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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I think it is very possible to work on yourself regardless of whether you give up or not on your M. They are separate entities.

Regarding deciding whether you want to give up or not is up to you. It is a personal choice that only you can take as only you walk in your shoes. But you don't need to decide that immediately.Take your time.

A different thing altogether is accepting that your R/M is over.That is something you need to come to terms with. That is both frightning and empowering, but it will help you immensely.

So who do you want to be and what do you want to do?

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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PacLove Offline OP
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So W came to the house Sunday to work with me on an outdoor project we had been planning for a while. I was really conflicted on this for a while as to let her help vs. doing it on my own. I said I was fine on my own but she really wanted to be there.

In the end I opened it up to her to help, I'm sure part of it was her wanting to see D (but she was mostly away at friends/neigbors) and W was actually very helpful on the project. We didn't talk as much as I had hoped, it was mostly just "logistical" conversation.

I asked her about the upcoming weekend (my Birthday weekend) and what her plans were, she said it was up to me. I shared with her that I'm interested in her joining if it's because she wants to be there as my W, otherwise I'd rather just have a weekend alone with my D. She responded that she's still undecided about what she wants... frown She also had a different perspective around my GAL activities... she saw me as being selfish wanting to do my own things, I responded that I was just trying to give her the space she needs when it's her nights with D, I'm glad I corrected that perception.

Should be an interesting week. Hit a big age milestone this Weekend.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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PacLove Offline OP
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Quick update... W is "portraying" ambivalence about going away this weekend but think she really wants to come on the weekend, as of now we are planning to go together. She originally was trying suggest coming for only one day (as she has to work some this weekend) which I was not comfortable with, I either want her there or not (I believe she perceived that as me wanting her to come).

So here we are - leaving tomorrow heading down the coast to a romantic getaway with D. I'm still not sure how to act on the weekend. Part of me wants to put all our issues aside and have a pleasant weekend and remind her of what family is like, not sure if that's possible but will try. I found out she spent the night at OM on Tues though so that is weighing on me heavy right now, like a deep pain and reminder that "he's" still in the picture.

At the recommendation of a coach/MFT I'm also planning to present a letter to her this weekend highlighting all my failures in our marriage and seek forgiveness - this is not an attempt to reconcile (and I clearly call that out in the letter) but a way for me to lay it all out on the table so I can feel good about moving forward with or without her.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 386
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PacLove Offline OP
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Feeling really awkward about this weekend, wishing now I had told W that I'll go away just D and I - guess we'll see how it goes.

Turned 40 today, sort of bittersweet, first time in 12 years waking up alone on my birthday, although D came bouncing in and gave me a big hug. Spending the day today with her is awesome, she's so cheerful. Every-time though that I think about what W is doing to her and us it brings tears to my eyes.

Next week I'm planning on firming up some of my boundaries. W can't keep droping by on her off days.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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Posts: 18,666
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Why are you planning a romantic get-away? Why are you going to give her a letter? Do you not see how pursuing it is?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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