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Rose, I really feel for you. I wish I could help you out. This is so unfair to you and I don't envision this going in a positive direction. Can we all just rename him Fool888?

If there is something I would like to do for you, it would be to help you access your most beautiful, confident, accomplished self. Wherever that might be, can you seek her out and remember how she felt, thought, and behaved? Was there a time in your life that you can remember that? Maybe when you got into college? when you got that first job? The birth of a baby? Helped out your bestfriend? All of that and more?

Because I think your BEST self would take one look at Fool888, shake her head, and really think twice about him. Am I saying you should walk away or give up on your M? Absolutely not! But I am suggesting that if you make a big shift in your thinking and behaving, you have much more power than you realize!

You have the power to feel better and get stronger, despite what he says or does. And let's face it, people are also attratced to confident people. So what can we do to help you find her? Let's stop focusing on H for a bit, he's a Fool888, and quite frankly will do what he is going to do anyway. His circus, his monkeys ...I keep reading that on every thread here :-)))

-Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Rose888 Offline OP
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This is great advice.

I've always wanted to try pottery. I found a class that starts in a week or so. Weekly for 7 weeks. I'm going to call later and find out if they still have room.

I've started the process to be confirmed in the church we have been attending, so there will be a small group meeting some Sundays for that through October.

I'm going with my kids to see some of the theater in our area.

I'm also doing one physical thing outside each weekend now that the weather is nice.

I've been exploring the musical tastes that we don't share.

Weekly IC.

And I have resumed planning our family vacation to Europe this summer. (Tickets bought pre BD.) The kids and I are going to have a blast whether H comes or not.

Any other suggestions? I'm also in the middle of a big project at work, and I'm maintaining a small but significant weight loss.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Apr 2015
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Originally Posted By: Rose888
Thanks, I appreciate the response.

Yes, I am willing to work on the libido issue. I found MWD and this board through The Sex-Starved Marriage. Unfortunately, H doesn't think I can ever get my libido high enough to give him the passionate relationship he wants. I haven't hit the big M yet.

I am as sure as I can be about the affair. He might be going through an MLC, but self-doubt and wanting to (probably) divorce me are the only real signs. No crazy expenditures, no partying. He's an engaged parent. He is still kind and thoughtful in his daily interactions.

I worry about pushing him away if I'm less helpful and friendly than usual--it's tricky because he hasn't made a decision--but I kind of feel like I am a package deal, and he shouldn't be able to pick and choose the parts of me he wants to keep. What you said about letting him see what it's like to miss me really hit home.



Have you seen an OB-GYN about this? Most conventional doctors will not test your hormone leves, and don't believe that women need testosterone. They are wrong. You should have all those hormones tested, including your thyroid.

I asked my doctors several times over the years to test them, and they refused. (I was already being treated for thyroid disease.) Finally, I found a different doctor (by then, H had already started an EA) and she discovered that my testosterone levels were below normal and gave me a topical, plant-based cream. It made a real difference.

Don't let conventional doctors who are trained in a tradition that does not take women's problems seriously, hold you back on this.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Yep. My levels are normal.

I badgered the doctor into prescribing topical cream anyway. It did nothing for libido, and after 4 months, H suggested I stop taking it as the risk of liver problems seemed to outweigh the very slight change in lubrication.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
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Journaling:

H has been away since Wednesday at a work conference, so the R issue has been on the back burner. He's been texting as usual, and he called briefly one night (not usual).

The kids and I went out to dinner one night. Yesterday we went to a matinee of a professional theater company and had a great time.

Last night I started jotting down ideas for my spring/summer bucket list. I'm looking forward to a fun few months, full of simple pleasures. I'm not going to let marital limbo get in the way of enjoying them.

H gets back late tonight.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
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Originally Posted By: Rose888

I'm not going to let marital limbo get in the way of enjoying them.


YES!!!


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Good morning Rose,

It sounds if you are on a good path and finding some comfort and joy in doing what is good for you.

I hope it is a wonderful day for you.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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H came back from his trip late last night and said he has made his decision--he wants to stay in the marriage and try to reconnect. He said there are some things we need to work on, and he will go to counseling.

Being open to counseling is huge.

I meet with my IC this morning. I'm going to ask her for recommendations for marriage counsellors.

I am very happy about this, but I know I still need many of the DB techniques. It sounds like the first emotions to penetrate the numbness are frustration, anger, etc., so I am going to need mad validation skills. (He hasn't actually said anything angry or frustrated, but he mentioned those feelings when I asked him how he decided.)


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Feb 2016
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Rose8888:

That sounds like great news. I'm sure the common advice is to take it slow and still have zero expectations. Many of us expect the Hollywood reunion - but it does not happen that way. Yes, the DB,DR are going to be key.

As a man speaking - you need to play a little hard to get. There is nothing a man wants more than to chase his girl. Don't throw yourself at him, but don't reject him either. Make him work a little - but again as a guy speaking play fair. It would also help if you gave him a little too. Make him feel like he is getting what he wants too - just a little at a time.

I hope that helps. I'm rooting for ya.


M:50
W:53
MR:20
D:21
S:17
S:11
BD-Sept 2015
Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015
Actually EA
In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016
W moved out:May 22 2016
OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
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Rose,

This is a good development for you. Have you worked with a DB coach. They may be able to provide guidance for you and this opportunity. I wish you well as you work through this and my prayers will have you in them that you may be guided and that your H will soften his heart and see what he has in you and the family.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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