Feeling lost

[sandi2]

If there is a divorce, everyone won't get to share the daughter on the calendar date of her birthday. However, you can celebrate her birthday any day of the year. If there is a divorce, she will be having two birthday celebrations, two Chistmastimes, two of everything. Understandbly, I hate it for you, however, your W is the one who needs to learn what divorce looks like.

You must learn to tell your W "no"! Sometimes you just have to bluntly say you think under the circumstances, you had rather she didn't come. This is what separation involves.

When a man is scared of losing his W and starts letting her do whatever she wants, it kills her attraction. That is just how women are wired. She will test the H to see how far she can push him, but secretly, she is hoping he will be man enough to stop her from being a bully. Your W will never you tell you this......and perhaps no other woman will, but I'll tell you it is the truth.

[srt]

checking in again

I've decided I'll go and see my daughter on her birthday but only for a short time - otherwise the presence of W just gets to me - this detachment is so hard when you can't avoid their physical presence due to handovers of kids.

In other news my parents are advising me to go for the big bad D, and to give back to her the spew she dishes to me, albeit in a more controlled manner. Virtually certain she is in MLC now so very afraid of this backfiring, I feel to continue to DB is best, albeit it is tough on me. I feel a D is just giving up, and I want no regrets at the end of this (couldn't care what W feels at the end).

Finally W has asked for a copy of some of my photos of kids - really not happy about this, she was the one who walked but now wants to call the shots on things like this. What is the best way for me to go about getting things like this, child access and other things agreed when they are in ultra bitch mode all the time? I find she has some cheek asking for this after refusing to allow more access.

[Accuray]

Has your W been requesting a D and have you been resisting, or is your family suggesting that you pursue a D proactively?

I am divorced and it doesn't need to be as dire as Sandi outlines above -- we share the kids on their calendar birthday (we jointly attend the party and/or dinner), we all get together on Christmas, etc. As long as you keep it amicable there doesn't need to be a Chinese wall between you.

On your question about giving W photos of the kids, don't engage if they are in ultra-bitch mode. Create a boundary that if you aren't spoken to respectfully, you won't respond.

What basis does she have to deny you access? They are your kids too, why is she the gate keeper?

[srt]

hi all, thanks for the replies - very much appreciated.

I'm pretty much going to say "no thanks" to all her requests to share family time now, unless she has the kids and it's something I want to do. As you have all said I understand she now needs to know practically what a D will be like.

W has only mentioned D at counselling, and that was in response to question from counsellor about what to do next - she was unsure about what the next thing would be.
She knows I do not want that, but I know it may require her to be staring it in the face before she "wakes up".
Family are suggesting I serve her - I can do this in a less confrontational way by getting legal protections set up for what would happen to kids/home/finances. I may need to take her to mediation to get this arranged as she does not bring any of this up, and the last R chat left me pretty certain she is still in MLC mode.

Regarding photos I'm annoyed at her request when she regularly denies me any more contact than I have already (I'm not going to her place to "share" her time) - I get a couple of hours w kids in the week and a day and a half at weekends. I feel like saying she walked away from all that when she left this house. She also still has possessions here - not sure if this bothers me or not.

I suppose my next step is to see a lawyer and try and get "protected" for when the next step comes.

[CWOL]

I suppose my next step is to see a lawyer and try and get "protected" for when the next step comes.

Always a good idea to add to your knowledge. You should take the chance to interview a few lawyers to make sure you pick one that will work with you, if the D does get filed.

[srt]

I should say that things are always civil between us until it gets onto a "difficult" issue for her, like time with kids, holidays, relationship, etc.

I've not been pushing these things as she just puts up a wall. I'm unsure if it's cheeseless tunnels or just a front to prevent/protect her in the bubble.

However I know she is not dealing with stuff that must be resolved - the current situation is just dragging and that is my biggest annoyance.

[srt]

Back again,

finding things tough again and finding it hard to detach. I'm keeping up NC as best I can with kids. But struggling with the sense of pointlessness this whole sitch is.

Feeling like giving up, and other times in tears, this is after 8 months of pouring everything I have into it. Been DBing the last 2/3 months and initially it made it easier but feel myself slipping again.

Sometimes I just want to ask W what is going on and what is happening with US - it seems to me like we are just drifting further apart.

I keep getting the urge to do something, and have been through the DR book several times. However I can't see much I can change about the situation/interactions without slipping over into pursuing.

How will I know if things are getting better? This really is killing me at the moment and I just want the whole thing to end.

[Vanilla]

Srt

I will work you sitch.

You asked an interesting question about the 37 rules of me and I have replied with my view.

So your 180 is within the context of the guidance.

I will revert for you, others may give you better guidance. I improved my R and did not save my M and I did save myself.

V

[srt]

Hi vanilla, thanks so much for the reply - I'm going to go over my shortcomings and list of W gripes and make sure that following all "the rules" does not mean more of the same. Also going to check my 180's are still relevant and for me.

Tonight was interesting in the MH. At changeover really good chat about weekend etc and then out of the blue W mentions old pram in the loft - won't be needing that in future etc. Also then get onto talking about changing childcare days to suit her next year. I simply said we'll have to talk about it. I know she will be awkward as hell and want all the arrangements her way so it suits her work. I'm not prepared to do that since she made no concessions to me for extra time with kids when I've previously asked. She even launched into the defensive with a story about "we" agreed she would go part-time to look after kids??? AFAIK there is no WE anymore!

I'm getting the feeling she must have felt the need to do some button pushing, since the interaction was pretty positive. I guess she is trying to justify what she is doing - still giving MLC entitlement messages I think.

[srt]

I should say I recently discovered my wife had started this blog


it scream MLC to me, and is something she started to do around the time I noticed changes.
Later photos do not have her wedding ring either, something she lied to me about at the time.

I know I need to detach, but felt this was a decent enough chunk of information that would help me determine if in an MLC or not.