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DDJ Offline OP
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As for her moving out, don't you think it will help you? I really believe that it will help me to not have her in my face. I say that now, but the thought scares me... But not facing my fear is even worse.

You could really grieve for your marriage. Just cry until you get bored of crying. Then get up and go on living.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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Originally Posted By: DDJ
I told her yesterday that she has put me through hell for the past 3 months, and that I need about 3 more months to focus on myself, putting her last. I also said that I will "try" not to push her away (that is going to be hard) but that i cannot pull her in either.


I dont really understand this:

- What does "3 more months" mean? How are you measuring that?
- Why are you telling her that you are "putting her last"?
- Why are you talking to her about "pushing her away"? How will you control that?

I guess my point is that it sounds like you are having waaaaaaay too many R talks.

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DDJ,

I think in some cases it may help for the spouse to move out to provide space and time for healing.

In my case, my wife and I are generally cordial and we're good parents. I'm not so sure my wife needs or wants the space. We did ague this morning but she seemed to be looking for reasons to stay rather than go. And, this could all be wishful thinking on my part.

If there's a lot of constant tension and arguing, I'd definitely want to separate for a while, but I'm not sure that's the best solution for me and my wife because the boys would be distraught and there'd be a whole new set of problems.

So, as usual, I don't know the answer; my guess is that sometimes it helps to separate for a while and other times it doesn't.

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DDJ Offline OP
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Well she wanted to go back to things being back to the way they were. I needed to buy time, so I said 3 months.

I guess it's too much R talk, it just flowed. In terms of pushing her away, I mean not going to be vengeful.

So what is the type of convo that I should be having with her. Oh, wait. Validate and affirm.


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So the Mariah Carey concert last night was awesome. I had a crush on her since her song "always be my baby". I was so detached from my WW, I did not worry if she was fine, it was all about me. We never even held hands or anything. It was such an uplifting experience. Then Mariah sang HERO, and it really struck home, the lyrics gave me renewed hope. I've added the lyrics below.

As for the R with my WW, I told her and picked up from her that she didn't want to speak about, so i'll let that go for now.

I asked her why she sent those TMs on Monday and these were her words...
"I realised that I did not want to throw away 10 years, your son was also asking about you whole the wknd and I did not want such a life for him; you must understand that i really really love you and do want to make things work".

I have realised that this lesson is more about me gaining my independence than anything else. She is the one that wanted out, but I was the one that needed out. Anyhows, we're taking it day by day so lets see what happens. My tummy is turning a little, but i think its a good turning.

@darknes, I'll have that introspection soonly, i'm procrastinating right now.

There's a hero If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid Of what you are
There's an answer If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand For you to hold
You can find love If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt Will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone Tear them away
Hold on There will be tomorrow
In time You'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
That a hero lies in you
That a hero lies in you


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Wow DDJ! It sounds like you had a wonderful evening. Congrats!

It's inspiring to see positive things happening.

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The insanity is doodler, that I don't think that the positivity is about my M, or our R. She has simply stated that she wants back in.
I think I will be truly happy when I have fully detached from her. Getting back together is not the aim, being myself and achieving what i want in life is the aim.

I always used to tell her that i know where i'm going in life, I know what i want, and I want her to join me. She has a choice if she wants to take that journey with me, but i cannot let anyone hold me back from experiencing life to the fullest, not anymore.


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DDJ,

I understand. I wish I were as detached as you are; I'd be making better decisions. I have my moments of detachment, but I haven't completely dropped the rope. I guess my member name should be Waffle.

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I try to stay detached. I've learned not to react, i think thats the key. The only problem now is that I fully comprehend what is happening, and I find myself consciously pushing my WW into the fog, and then pulling her back in by validating.

For example, I would say something about "our" future R, and she's say - "this is why I don't think that we'd work". Then I pull back and let her speak and she comes right out of it and says she's willing to give her marriage a try.

I know that consistency wins the race; getting there is going to be hard but i know that i can do it.

She is definitely not being wayward regarding OM, however, I see so much selfishness, stubbornness and rebellion in the other things that she does. I think that OM is really just a fantasy which is ultimately the best way to rebel. Like when you were a teenager, and your parents said "don't drink"!


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I'm having trouble detaching. Trying to be strong, but I can't hold back the tears.

She's just gone out to a restaurant with female friends apparently, not sure who they are, but she never actually dressed up. Her friends changed plans and I asked her "why do you choose such friends", and she said "ask no questions and i'll tell you no lies". I then asked her, "what does that mean", and she responded that "it's for me to figure out".

I just called her and called her out if she was visiting the OM, to which she said that I mustn't add to her woes as her friends already changed their plans.

I can't deal, I try to hand her over to God, but it's sooo difficult. I know I messed up tonight, not sure if i should apologize for asking her? what do you guys think?

I know tomorrow is another day... But i still have to get through today.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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