So, I've committed to making changes to myself. I need to do these changes for me, not just to win my W back. With the separation I hope my W actually gets to experience the changes. My fear is that she won't see much since we will have little contact.
I also wonder what will prompt her to change. She isn't without fault, but she puts 100% of the blame squarely on me. What kinds of things might allow her to see the bigger picture instead of being so focused on "husband = unhappiness."
She will notice TJ; even if you are separated. My W was in another house and fully engaged in her A and she still noticed what was going on with me and the changes I was making. So much so that it even pissed her off.
Dont worry about her or what might prompt her to change. Keep your focus squarely on yourself. It does not matter what she says or does at this point. At least not to you.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I am catching up on your sitch and I can say that I know the struggles and challenges you are going through.
I am still learning to keep it together and follow the advice in these forums as well as the Dbing. So my thoughts may be a little textbook, but I know in my heart they are the best options we have.
Dbing is not about getting the WAS to notice us so much as it is about us becoming the best possible spouse, parent, and individual that we can be. There should be zero expectation for the WAS as this is where we learn that we can only control ourselves. By Dbing you will heal,become a better man, and only God willing, maybe intrigue will be created where the WAS will start to be curious.
So in short do it for you first, the children, and then no matter what happens you will be in the best place possible for whatever opportunity the future holds.
I send you my support and have your family in my prayers that everything turns out for the best.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Everything you are saying is correct and I am doing my best to focus on me. It has taken me a while, but I am fully aware that any changes I make need to be for my own benefit, not someone elses.
But, I think everyone can relate - your spouse has been your partner for years. When they fail, you fail. When they succeed, you succeed. When they hurt, you hurt. When they experience joy, you experience joy.
I was lying in bed last night with my W right there next to me. I soooo, wanted to cuddle up to her and hold her because I know she is hurting, struggling, etc. She needs support, understanding and comfort more now than at any point in her life and it rips my insides to shreds that she is alone and feeling so distant from connection, when it is literally lying next to her.
I totally feel your pain. My WAW was my partner for almost half of my life. And in that time I think I become dependent on her so much so that as you say, her pain my pain, her joy my joy, and then BOOM!!!! BD and now she looks like my W. But in the past 3 months I have learned that the W that was with me for 20 years is no longer here. I think my pain is for the woman that I knew, but now after almost 2 weeks separated anger is swelling inside me when I have to see a stranger every few days while exchanging my d5.
But my point is that your pain and desires are normal, you feel instinctively drawn to do the very things that will drive her further away as she is going through her own emotional turmoil. My WAW put up a wall of anger so she could go through with her decision. Her decision was not necasarily what she wanted, but the breakdown in our MR was more painful for her to endure.
The lesson that we in this situation are learning is that 2 complete attractive confident individuals that want each other as opposed to need each other will have a better chance for a solid sound MR. And each individual is responsible for them self and only them self.
I think some of us lose track of this in our MR and it can lead to where we are now.
I am pulling for you and encourage that you follow others threads as well as continue to pose questions here and your perspective will open up and you will find strength to grow, do what is right for you, and ultimately create the best chance for any future with your W. But as Dbing teaches us, we will be better for it no matter what the outcome is, and that is the hope we must hang on to.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
More crazy stuff. We had to talk about some logistical stuff regarding the separation, so we sat down and talked. I had prepared myself so if feeling kinda stuff came up I would listen and validate and have a positive attitude. The conversation was going great - all about who will do what and when - and then it turned into talking about us. She pushed it that direction - I was only along for the ride.
It went well and I did a much better job of listening, validating and even empathizing. A few spots I could have talked too much. Even though it ventured into sad stuff, I kept a positive attitude thinking to myself - this was sad when it happened, but I now know I'm better and won't repeat those mistakes. That way of thinking really helped and I think it made the entire conversation go well. I even felt some connection that we haven't had in years.
I'm still expecting this to end in D, but I will not stop trying and I am glad I have found a better way of communicating that leads to connection.
I'm still expecting this to end in D, but I will not stop trying and I am glad I have found a better way of communicating that leads to connection.
Unfortunately, we can't know how things will eventually turn out because you have no idea what your W will choose to do. BUT, you can fight for your M (even when she's not willing to) and you are on the right path to do that. Stay focused and follow the process. I know it hurts when people say things like "You'll be a better person after all of this, even if you don't stay married" or "You'll be ok even if you get D" because the truth is you don't want a D and you don't want a life that doesn't include your W. But you don't have any control whatsoever over your W so all you can do is focus on you and what you need to do. The good thing is that by doing that, you have a real fighting chance at saving your M.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I'm still expecting this to end in D, but I will not stop trying and I am glad I have found a better way of communicating that leads to connection.
Unfortunately, we can't know how things will eventually turn out because you have no idea what your W will choose to do. BUT, you can fight for your M (even when she's not willing to) and you are on the right path to do that. Stay focused and follow the process. I know it hurts when people say things like "You'll be a better person after all of this, even if you don't stay married" or "You'll be ok even if you get D" because the truth is you don't want a D and you don't want a life that doesn't include your W. But you don't have any control whatsoever over your W so all you can do is focus on you and what you need to do. The good thing is that by doing that, you have a real fighting chance at saving your M.
Well said LiM.
Fighting for what we believe in while understanding that the only thing we can control and improve is ourselves. I truely believe this, but find it a great challenge to keep it firmly programmed in the mind and heart. The situations we find ourselves in is truely a test for us to connect the knowledge with the core of our hearts and minds, and therefore our sincere actions.
Thank you for the comments and reminder.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Talked with some friends today about what is going on. They are a happily married couple and I wanted to talk to them to gain some perspective on some things I've been thinking and/or struggling with.
Wow! They've never heard of DB, but they made several recommendations that were pretty much lifted right from the DB/DR pages. It really helped to listen to them reinforce some of the things I've read.
When lost, you sometimes need someone to give you directions.
