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Rose888 Offline OP
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Still trying to figure out how to best live during this limbo period.

Cordial didn't really work for me. It actually made me more focused on the situation, because I am such a naturally chatty person that I have to think all. the. time. about not initiating conversation.

Right now I'm trying to interact normally and focus my mental energies on the kids and GAL. No more relationship talks!

The kids and I went out for pizza and a play on Friday. Yesterday was errands mostly. Today is church and maybe a stroll in the woods on a new trail I've been meaning to check out.

H did hire someone to edit his book.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 327
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Rose,
I don't know if you have anybody to "spill" on, but you'll need somebody. I try not to say anything except here as far as specifics - but still need to lean on a couple of good friends I've had for 40+ years.

You're blessed to have your kids, they're going to help you focus away so much. Enjoy church - and a walk in nature is one of the best things you can do. Anything you can do to connect with the earth will recharge your batteries in a big way.

I'm glad your H got somebody to edit for him. He's going to have to learn what it's like without you. Have a great day.


Me: 58
Her: 59
Kids: 0
Dog: 1
ILYBINILWY: 9/15
D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed)
Verified OM: 1/11/16
Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
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Rose888 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: 1313
Rose,
I don't know if you have anybody to "spill" on, but you'll need somebody. I try not to say anything except here as far as specifics - but still need to lean on a couple of good friends I've had for 40+ years.

You're blessed to have your kids, they're going to help you focus away so much. Enjoy church - and a walk in nature is one of the best things you can do. Anything you can do to connect with the earth will recharge your batteries in a big way.

I'm glad your H got somebody to edit for him. He's going to have to learn what it's like without you. Have a great day.


I came to the same decision about needing someone to talk to, so I told a good friend on Friday. Unfortunately, she lives many states away, but she'll be a good sounding board. She and her husband are our closest friends. We met them very early in our marriage. She was the only person I could think of who wouldn't think badly of me or H or make H feel like we couldn't reconcile.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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Good morning Rose,

Just popping in to say good morning, and enjoy the time with the kids at church and while you are out and about. This is so invaluable and recharging that I highly recommend it to everyone. I had some of my darkest moments this past week, but getting to spend a couple of days with my daughters brought me out and provided me with some great strength. I worry most about how my sitch is affecting them, yet they focus on me and our time together and the joy is almost overwhelming.

I hope your day is a wonderful one and I send you my support and positive vibes that you may be encouraged to do what is good for you and your family in spite of the challenges.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Rose888 Offline OP
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H asked if I minded company on my walk on Sunday, so we went together and had a good time. No R talk.

Sunday night, we ML again.

I met with my counselor on Monday. We talked about using meditation techniques to stay in the present and not fret about what DH will decide. The IC also wants me to find a passion to give me more connections to the world other than H.

Then, yesterday afternoon, we went on another walk and H initiated R talk. It was a long talk. I did a good job of listening and validating for the first half. Lost sight of that a bit for e second half.

Now I'm feeling more than ever that he will decide to go. He did say, at one point, "Maybe it's just a midlife crisis." I kept my mouth shut.

Today is going to be tough. I need to use this as an opportunity to practice staying present in the moment.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
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Rose888 Offline OP
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Why is it so hard to behave the way I know I should?

H is having a hard day. He said he is looking forward to his business trip because he feels like there is a lot of tension at home. I think seeing me reminds him that he has to make a decision and that he doesn't know what he wants. He's being a little cold.

I find myself wanting to temp check, which I know is absolutely the wrong thing to do.

i can't make up his mind for him. I just need to give him space and time.

Why is that so hard?

Do you think he will notice if I put duck tape over my mouth? ;-)


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
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Of course this is hard, he has you anxious and wondering if he will leave you or not. That is no way to treat a person that you love. When people feel hurt and rejected, their self esteem takes a hit and then they cling. I just don't like the way he is handling this. Like I said, I feel he is setting you up to fail.

I think you have to really take the focus off of what his decision will be and start thinking about your own decisions. Would your happy and most confident self be okay with the way he is treating you? Are you hanging on so tight out of fear? Would it be more natural to take a big step back, create space, and rethink if you want this man? Why is it ALL up to him? Just some things to think about.

You don't have to put anything over your mouth! You can say what you want. But, you can also take a big step back and start thinking about what YOU want and deserve in an R. And my guess is that it is not to walk and eggshells and worry if someone will walk out on you.

I'm sorry things are hard right now. Something about your Hs behavior really strikes a nerve with me. I wish I could shake some sense into this fool. The grass is only greener where you water it and you deserve at a minimum that much!

-Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Rose,

Dbing is about becoming a better you, so that only a fool would leave you. But no matter what the fools decision is you will be a better you. And the better you does what is right by you.

Blu states it very well in her post. Be confident, and do it for you.

Sending you support and encouragement as you go through this challenge.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
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Rose888 Offline OP
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Thanks, blu. And feel free to come shake some sense into him. I wish I could.

More and more, I think we're dealing with a MLC. Lucky us.

You're right--my confidence has taken a beating, and there is a tendency to cling too tightly out of fear.

My IC has given me some ideas for dealing with the fear.

I've thought about a physical separation, but I worry about it's effect on the kids.

Right now, H is on a business trip through Sunday, so we get some space.

The night before he left, we started watching Orange Is the New Black. It was a nice way for us to interact (we comment on shows as we watch) without tension. We used to watch shows together before the most recent bout of depression, so it felt normal.

I'm also continuing with GAL and working on stopping some clingy/pursuing behaviors.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
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Rose888 Offline OP
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Thanks, SadHub.

I am working on me, and plan to keep doing that.

Only time will tell if I'm dealing with a fool.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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