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Lambo

Keep seeking assistance. Legal assistance, support group assistance, whatever you can find in your area. You have to do whatever it takes to protect your children.

I am sorry you find yourself in the situation, and I hope you can get the help that is needed. My prayers go out to you for the employment opportunity if that can help you with some options.

Please do all that you can to be safe and keep the kids safe


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Lambo

We are here listening to you.

There are a number of things I think I want to tell you. Your WW doesn't define you.

Your unemployment does not define you, it's a temporary condition sort of like having measles, you will recover and you get immunity.

I want you to know that in 20 years time your kids will say "my dad had it very tough, mum was drinking and messing about, he lost his job. Throughout my dad loved us, kept us safe and worked to become the best man he could be. He was my loving dad and he was wonderful throughout and I love him"

That is how you are defined as a father who loves and cares for his children, who despite all the struggles has this in his heart. He acts accordingly.

Keep posting to us and I will keep sending you rainbow strength and love. It is very tough when you know an addict is making smoke and mirrors. Keep on with 12 steps, it dovetails well with DB.

I am praying for you and your family every day, you are in my thoughts.

Know this, what you have is one of the toughest sitches I have seen on this board and you are doing very well indeed. You have taken action and shift is happening.

Often we can't see our own growth especially not through the tears of despair and it is there those shoots of development.

My prayers and strength

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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What nilla said. Except I'm not so eloquently put together!


If you need her gone, then for the good of the kids ask her to go. As nilla said its about you what do you need?

You said you cannot have her under foot, then set a boundary about that. I am in the same place sort of as nilla. My xh2 cheated lied and asulted and threatened etc etc.

I made the decision that while I the door and hope would be on the table, if he didn't want it by then which I had made the date a whole year just for me to get my shite together-



Then I was done, in that year I did not sit home just waiting. I did not put opportunities and life on hold.

I went out and got my shooter licence ( had to as part of separation and d due to gun ownership) got my truck licence enlarged my circles of People in my corner, got a pistol licence Set some goals of break a world record (failed but set an Aust record).

Towards the end of that year I started looking just looking and seeing what's out there. By 18months things were so different and the new bf came along. Things are not perfect but who knows its still early about a 2.5years since the split. Settlement will take some time as I need to pay upfront and am struggling.

Now days and yes I have seen him once I don't even recognise him and feel just blank. It's all started happening since I decided while for a while the feelings and stuff hung round now it's not. I don't quite know when it happened but it did. Same as the forgiveness etc xh2 demanded for his transgression that had come without me realising either.

But saying you forgive someone is different to actually being at peace inside your self over what happened and it's a process which takes time.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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I am really sick. I asked her to come home and please bring dinner. I know she read the text because it shows on her phone. She completely ignored it. Her friend called me worried about her because she said she will not return her calls. We started piecing things together and my WW has been lying to us both.

She said the OM is abusive to her and treats her horribly. Makes me said due to the trauma in her life. She thinks its what she deserves. Just can't believe she is going to strand me her with the kids and not come home knowing we had no dinner and I feel terrible.

So tired of this. I don't deserve it and neither do my boys. They keep asking for her and I don't even know what to say. She only cares about herself. I was advised not to do the 180 by a psychiatrist due to her trauma, etc.... but my integrity will not allow me to treat her loving and kind when she has been lying to me so much.

Very frustrated.

Lambo

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Thank you for the encouragement. This board is becoming a life-line for me. Your kind words mean the world to me.

Lambo

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You don't need to be nasty to someone to step away from their crapola.

Rad the boundaries threads or a bounderies book by dr cloud.

It is not about being nasty, what she is doing in some definitions is emotional abuse. You allow it to continue and it's done. Be strong don't allow her. You need to say like nilla said you keep doing this I cannot continue and the stuff goes in the lawn in bin bags.

Her choice she doesn't want bin bags then she mans up or woman's up she wants bin bags she continues her choice not hers.

Spell it out super clear.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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Gg has a way of saying things that goes to the core, and her advice is sound and very inspiring.

You can stand for M and you can stand for your family. One of the myths in codependency is that to escape you have to be unpleasant or destructive. At this very juncture there is a decider, every day to walk that one day. To ensure you and your boys have love for each other, on this board there are amazing examples of dads who despite having a wayward for a wife, heal for their children. Each one in despair at their sitch and their wayward. You are a family without your WW.

You stand for you and your children. That is more than enough for each day. Time to stand tall and get yourself together for your boys.

Your WW has to fall to her darkest hour for recovery and she may never recover. You can recover with time and patience. MrBond wrote to me in my earliest days let your WH fall. It was very hard for me to read.

In these days which are dark and painful, I know this is true then the light will come. This is for you.

If your WW is creating destruction for you and the children then irrespective of what is in her life then things must change for you and the children. Her choice of life, her choice of OM, it is hers. Her sandpit to play in. Her circus and her monkeys. She is no longer fooling you or herself it seems. Reality bites.

Can you investigate if there are food banks and other resources. There is likely a support at 12 steps who can guide you to extra resources. Your WW drinks and indulges herself whilst her children go hungry? This is truly wayward behaviour.

Please talk to family and friends about assistance for you and the children. Have you a family member with whom you could confide and seek a home.

Your children are exposed to your codependency as well as possible let depression. Have you sought medical advice? Have you been prescribed ADS?

It would be great for you to be as positive as you can for your intervieW.

You continue to be in my prayers that you make your choices.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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MrBond wake up call to Vanilla on addiction

I cried for two days thinking about the consequences of this advice.

It's hard to know, let your WW fall and recover yourself for your children. You are the more stable parent for them. They need you to be strong and face the consequences of your codependency. Please heal YOU and the efforts to be for YOU.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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The kids didn't go hungry. I made chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. I did the wrong thing and confronted her about where she'd been. I told her I knew she had lied about the night before--as she didn't go to therapy. I found out. Once she was busted she told me I'm a loser and she hates me and has for the past year . I was an executive and have only been out of work a few months. She said we are going to lose the house and its my fault. She erupted like a Borderline does.

This morning she is nice again. I am not going to make the mistake again of confronting her. I was just so hurt that I was sick and the kids needed her to be home with them -- I needed her to take up the slack.

I'm going to an all men's alanon meeting tonight. I have to heal and let her go. But its hard to let go when you live in the same house as the WW.

I have no family here for support and her family knows about it and wants her to fall. She is the spear-catcher of her family (the bad person), and she keeps the family system in place.
WW mom offered her 100k to leave me and have me un-adopt our son. Crazy!!!

If I could pack the kids and move back south where I have a support system, I would. Right now, this board is my saving grace.

Thanks to all for your help. I'm going to start working on the 180 approach to take care of myself--starting today.

Lambo

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Now is always a good time.

I would love a report back on a single sex 12 step group, not the details of course but how the tone and attitude differs.

That would be lovely.

Extreme self care of you is the best thing for your family, like putting on your own life jacket first.

Big hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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