what is compounded onto my recent heartbreak is my ex. My life is busier, D8's life has become busier, which means mine has too. I am exhausted by doing everything myself. I was on the fence about asking ex to take an extra weeknight every now and then, but when he cancelled his extra this week I told him we needed to have a serious talk about division of responsibilities.
His answers just left me shaking my head. He thinks everything is going wonderfully. I told him everything is going wonderfully for him. I expressed my needs and D8's needs, and he shot me down. He won't do it. His commute is too stressful. I live in a different town (20 min away, no biggie). he's only ridiculous resolution is to move D8's school to his town and then "he can help out a little more" I was just flabbergasted. he also think he is was so helpful when he started taking D8 2 years ago on the Sunday night in his weekend. I did that for D8, she was desperate for more time with her dad.
I told him its just sad how many men I know who walk the ends of the earth to be with their kids, and a 20 minute car ride is too much. I also told him I know if he wanted to be a full-time dad he would have had a kid with his W. I know it's not his desire, but he should step up for the one he has. I'm going back to court for more CS and for babysitter money. I'm going to consult a lawyer through work and see if I can get some money towards a babysitter when I need it. It took a lot for me to ask him to take some more time with his kid. I obviously am trying anything to get some help.
What am I going to do? Can't force a man to be a real dad. He will happily remain Uncle Dad if it means effort on his part to be a real dad. He tried to temp check me last night, but I didn't bite. I feel like D8 and I will always pay for his selfishness, and he will get away with everything for the rest of his life.
If exNG was able to really commit to me I wanted to move in eventually. I was slightly worried exH wouldn't let me. But I realize from our convo he would have happily let us. He doesn't want the one weeknight he has. However, my dating will be done locally, no longer long distance. It was the one thing D8 asked of me last week. I would be a liar if I often didn't think of moving far away with her. Somewhere cheaper with new people and warmer weather.
JKsD, you made me realize this is my first real breakup since the D. I've dated guys, it has ended, but this was the first real one with promise and families introduced, talk of the futre, and such. so yeah, I guess this is my first real break up post D. And it is surprisingly as painful. I always thought after the D, anything else would be a piece of cake. I would just say "whatever". Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Thanks, I feel a little more normal now.
Ginger, We are the normal ones! The xhs are the ones abducted by aliens.
I am so sorry to hear that your xh isn't more helpful with d8. You're probably right that he just wants to be uncle dad. It may not be easy for you now but D8 will thank you for not depriving her of her time with her dad.
I do hope that you will be able to get more CS to cover for babysitting. I am in the same position as you and I know how GD tiring everything can be.
(((Ginger)))
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
It's been an interesting past week. Found out ex NG still cares for me and talks about me, and some other sad things I can't mention on here. I felt validated and better for about a day, I even felt compassion and wanted to help him, which I realize is pretty messed up and then I got angry. I just want my heart and mind to let it all go. But it digs up a lot of crap about past R's that are unsettling to me.
There was this guy I used to work with. We began working when I was married and pregnant. We became friends, and I suspected he might have a crush on me and realized it was true after my ex and I split. I wasn't in a good spot, and nor was I attracted to him. But one thing I will always remember and cherish is that he is the only guy who has SHOWED me how much he cared for me. He would help me with anything and always ask if there was anything he could do for me. One night when I went to work deathly ill (calling out as a nurse isn't easy)and I ended up in my own ER severely dehydrated, he stayed with me and well after our shift. He went to the store to get me ice pops when I couldn't swallow (sever tonsillitis).
No other guy in my life has ever SHOWN me how they care for me. I am typically suckered in by words. The words when you don't hear them for a while fill your heart up. But when actions don't follow up, they tear you down. No one has ever followed up with actions. I express my needs for once in a R and the guy says "nah". I was asked by said mutual friend if I would ever take exNG back. and I realized that unless he could SHOW me he cared me, well, it's the only way I would ever consider it. But right now he could say it, but I know he does not plan on showing it. And when I love, I SHOW love. I give it, I don't just say it.
Anyways, yeah, due to ex's schedule changes I have been missing my IC appts, so I thought I would let it roll here. My ex is still a huge selfish douche who I have no desire to even look at these days. he has temp-checked me a few time since, and I'm just not biting. I just can't. He is a sorry excuse for a man and a father. I feel like I will never stop paying for marrying him. I knew I shouldn't have. It is what it is. I can't undo it.
I actually do want to start dating again. I will be 36 in exactly one month. I want to move on and find my companion. However, time is not my friend. I'm just going to try the law of attraction and hopefully he will just come to me. HA!
For your own good, ask whoever is keeping you informed on ex-bf's situation to stop...it doesn't help to continually hear this stuff. Moving on is hard enough without a blow by blow account of what he's had for breakfast!!!
HAHA, thanks all, I am not feeling too young...... I think the reason is because I never did what I was supposed to in my 20's and 30's. Divorced in your 20's with a baby ages you a bit. I am an old soul. All I want to do is settle down and have a little security and someone to make dinner with and cuddle on the couch with.
Wii- I actually do appreciate the friend telling me what he did. I know he knows I was really struggling with wondering if he ever cared. This was a validation he knew I was seeking and he gave it to me. Well, I thought it was what I needed, I thought it would make me feel better, but surprisingly I got more hurt when he keeps saying all these words and has had zero action. Love is most certainly an action.
So, I ended up back in the online dating pool by accident. My Iphone 6 broke, and I went back to my iphone4, and I had the POF app on it, and I logged in out of curiosity. It started blowing up with messages. One guy had a great profile. Single father, looking for the same things in an R, lives very close and sent me a normal message that wasn't "hey". However, he kind of has zero personality, over messaging anyways. Maybe he is different in person. We may have a date next week. What struck me was that he said if we did hit it off, since we were on opposite kid weekends, he would switch. I have always switched for everyone else. The weirdest thing for me was to fill out "does not want kids". I changed it from when I set up the account long ago. he asked if it was set in stone. I told him nothing is set in stone, but it is definitely how I feel now.
There was another guy I "matched" with on the tinder-like portion of the app. He is a single dad who is a nurse:) We spoke briefly but he was so tired from a triple shift. But he has personality. The only thing is, I think he lives in PA. AHHHH!
The good news is, I thought I would be frightened and completely turned off by the online dating thing. To my surprise, I felt a little excitement.
My honest to God fear is I will not have a connection like I had with exNG. It was one of a kind. We were insanely comfortable with eachother, yet excited about it, we told eachother everything, no matter what (apparently something he misses a lot) everything was just right in that sense. Our personalities were so much alike and we were so real with eachother. The ability to conduct an adult mutual relationship just isn't there. We would have been perfect together if it wasn't for that. Which is hard to reconcile. Hopefully I will be able to find both again. If you ain't got hope, you ain't got nothing!
I agreed to this one change with ex before the blow up. We are flexible for the most part. It was my fault for saying yes, I forgot about my IC appt. Otherwise, I would have told him no. I am getting so much better at that word. It was funny, him and his sister always said I was a "yes" woman I never said no.It was true, because everytime I did, I would feel the wrath. Now, I don't give a crap anymore.
We were insanely comfortable with eachother, yet excited about it, we told eachother everything, no matter what (apparently something he misses a lot) everything was just right in that sense. Our personalities were so much alike and we were so real with eachother.
Not sure I agree that he told you everything. If he had been totally honest I am not sure you would have either gotten together or broken up.
Ahhh, a very good point you make. We didn't tell eachother everything. I had no freakin clue there was a chick on back-up.
The sad thing, you are right, he wasn't totally honest with me, because he wasn't totally honest with himself. No that he was honest with me, but he would always verbally express his feelings which I believe in his head were honest. He just didn't know how to show they were true. And maybe they weren't and that's why he couldn't show them.
Which is why from here on out, I will surely need action. That's a deal-breaker. And it was a deal-breaker for me in this R too.
I speak a lot about how he let me go, but truth be told, I did recognize this and I was the one who gave him the "ultimatum" as he likes to call it. He chose directly to someone else instead.
You are right Cadet. Better, healthier things ahead.
