There's really no sense arguing over possessions at this point as others have pointed out -- if things get to the point of divorce you'll both need to disclose all of your assets and income sources and you'll go through an exercise at that point to divide things amicably. The only real risk is if she would take things and then claim they never existed which is where your video comes in.
Regarding telling people you're separating, or she's moving out -- that was something I *dreaded* in my sitch. After the fact, I found that people were either exceptionally supportive, or really didn't care that much. I think that you build up in your mind that everyone is going to be gossiping about you or judging you but in reality it doesn't register that high on anyone's radar. The other thing that happened after I told people what was going on is that a lot of them confided in me their own relationship challenges -- no one's relationship is as good as it looks from the outside.
It's been a few years since she moved out at this point, I'm divorced, and because of what I went through friends still come to me to ask for advice and see me as a safe place to discuss their relationship challenges. I think you'll be surprised to find that disclosure can actually deepen your friendships.
Good luck!
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Hi Accuray, Thanks for responding. Regarding the assets: Yes, I have already disclosed our accounts and our financial assets are very straightforward as I have good records on them. What bugs me is the household items like the painting and statue she simply took. Her sense of entitlement upsets me, as just because they were gifts, even though they were gifts to both of us.
After reading your threads, I really enjoyed the eloquence of your posts. I would like to learn from your experience... Were there things that you would change in retrospect? In both the initial period after BD and also during the D?
I'm afraid my WW is very much like your XW, and that any Recovery may only be temporary as long as OM is available. My first R lasted 17 years but in at least the last nine of those years, she was mentally unfaithful. Were there signs and symptoms in your WW that you would have spotted early to tell you that R is illusory?
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
I read up on Kübler-Ross five stages of Grief. I think I am stuck in the Anger and Depression stages. Anger in that I keep thinking about WW's lies, manipulation, deceit, etc. for all these years. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I keep thinking dark thoughts about lashing out, getting revenge, etc. I know Detaching from my emotions for her will help me get over these stages. But how do I convince myself not to seek revenge? Lately it has been consuming me, I have to consciously force myself to think about something else to get my mind cleared.
In the beginning I had some anger as well, it let up when WW pretended to piece with me. But lately it has really intensified as the D is spiraling around me and I have no control over it. I just want her to feel the same pain I am feeling. I know she is feeling pain as well but she hides it from me. When we sit together for dinner last night and had some funny discussions with S11, I keep thinking to myself, isn't this enough? Why does she need to destroy this?
Ugh, I need to conquer these dark thoughts of vengeance, they are consuming me!
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
I've sat at dinner many nights wondering the same thing. We're all sitting around having good conversation, laughing and getting along very well. It makes you wonder why anyone would leave that; it's that sort of thing that's the good stuff of life. Why not use those moments and build off of them? But I guess the affair drug is so strong and reality is so distorted the wayward spouse just can't see it for what it is.
As far as revenge is concerned, I usually consider the end result of revenge. It won't really make you feel any better;in fact you'll probably feel worse and it won't do any good for anyone else. So it's best to just take the high road.
Of course, if we could take all of our spouses' EA/PA partners and load them on a plane and drop them on a very small deserted island, I might be okay with that.
I guess it could be a reality show; Wayward Orgy Island. I think that might have some potential. I wonder if there's anyone on the forum with reality show experience. Might need a few investors too. Anyone, anyone...
You 3 pups (Doodler, CWOL and DDJ) are still very early in this. Very early. And you will have all sorts of crazy thoughts, sleep problems, violent modd swings, weight loss and a whole lot of other issues. This whotle $hitty situation takes time to resolve, absorbe and dissolve.
The only way out of this hell hole is to work on yourself, let your W find her way out of the mess (no, you cannot help her). The most difficult thing for me to accept was the fact I cannot help my W. I am a fixer by nature and I thought if I put just a little bit more of an effort, I could fix her and the relationship. WRONG!
Find yourself, reinvent yourself, built a new, better and happier you. You will thank yourself latter. Don't take any $hit from the W, read and reread SAndi's rules and rock on!
