Still more detachment, (less) anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

My old threads:

My first thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2650649#Post2650649

My second thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2669143&page=1

Third thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2672066&page=11

In a way I can't believe that I'm on my fourth thread already. Somehow I had hoped/imagined that things would have normalized a bit by now, but I was so naive when I first arrived here. Now I'm months into this misadventure, and a bit more, I don't know... realistic, I suppose?

Summary of my little drama:

H literally ran away from home, blocking my phone number, etc., on the night of our 20th wedding anniversary. I was blown away, never expected it, all the usual shock and awe. Life as I knew it imploded in an instant, taking with it so many of my hopes and dreams for the future. Was our life perfect before that? No. We had had a couple episodes that in hindsight should have been major alarm bells, but the previous year had been really good, and I thought we had made it through the rough patch. Nope.

For the first 3 months, H would only communicate by email, and all of that was hopeful, telling me his goal was to work on our M, loves me, etc.. I've seen him three times in person since walk-away date, and at the second visit I discovered and then he confessed being in a PA and told me he had rented an apartment. I had my hopes dashed and things have not gone well since. H has never really explained to me what happened. What he did do was start rehashing and trashing old memories when he tried to explain what he thought was wrong. What I've really taken away form this is a feeling of deep confusion. I don't understand what happened, really, or why.

Currently almost NC at all, except when I flake out and send him a super brief email, to which he will respond very quickly, but not with anything meaningful.

After the PA discovery, I pretty much tanked and fell apart in a lot of ways. I started reaching out like crazy, started on SSRIs, added a grief counselor to the mix, and continue to see my own psychologist. Those are all new things for me.

Are they helping? I guess I'd have to say that something is, because late last week, something shifted inside. I still can't quite explain it or say what's different, but things have been better. Part of it is the near-NC and part of it is the grief counselor. She's been really helpful in reframing my thought process. And finally, a big part of what is changing is finally just letting myself feel the way I feel, knowing that it is reactive and normal, allowing it to pass, and knowing, deep down, that I am not fundamentally broken. That's been tremendously helpful.

I want to thank everyone who has been keeping up with me. It has helped me so much to know that there are other people out there listening and supporting me. Know that your words have helped me so much.

So where are things right now?

Well, I saw a L in my current state already, and am seeing one in H's state on Friday. That means that I intend to drive out to our other house tomorrow (a 5 hour drive), and stay the night, get some of my stuff from the house, and see the L the next day. I won't risk seeing H or his AP (there is no reason for them to be there), so I intend to send him a text when I'm about an hour out, just telling him I will be there and that I would appreciate my space. I don't expect any issues.

So, here I am, fourth thread just beginning, still here in limbo, still dealing with anxiety and depression (but I want to say that they're both a fair bit better), and still trying very hard to learn detachment.

[Phoebe]

Today two of my three activities that I had planned fizzled. I did actually see my therapist, and we talked a lot about me learning how to protect myself better, emotionally. He says that he knows that I need to arrive at any decision to give up on my M on my own, and in my own time, but he says that he will continue to check in with me to see ho w I'm feeling on that subject. He wants me to know that he is not nudging me in any direction, but rather wanting me to know that he thinks it is something I need to address and not keep putting off indefinitely. Or something like that.

My second activity, a nice walk with a friend didn't happen because she's not feeling well, and the third activity, getting more scrap gone didn't happen because the guy didn't show up this evening like he said he would. So.... that was a bummer. I really wanted to get that stuff gone!

Now that I know he's not coming, I'm going to go take myself for a walk on my own. I don't need company to go outdoors and enjoy this beautiful day. Maybe I'll get some birding in while I'm out there? I'm gong to take my binoculars and see how it goes.

[Phoebe]

I had a really great walk and even saw a bird that I've only ever seen once before, even if they are common and I see signs of them all the time! I even lay down on my grassy hill and did some relaxation in the twilight. It was great.

So... a couple big days coming up! Hope I can stay on script, and avoid seeing my H altogether. Not looking forward to meeting yet another L, but it had to happen eventually.

[Phoebe]

I AM SO EXCITED!!!! I am going to have a bee colony on my property in the next few weeks! All because I happened to be outdoors when a beekeeper stopped by to buy a couple dozen eggs. Total serendipity.

Sorry, that's all the news I have. I just wanted to share that I'm doing a brand new GAL activity that I have wanted to be involved with for probably 20 years, and I am finally getting a chance to do it. Super psyched.

[SH_]

Phoebe,

It gives me great joy reading your posts. Things are really going your way and I know it is because your Dbing so well.

You are working on you, you are focused on making you the best you there is. PMA, GALing, healing, making social connections, and most important, you keep getting back up no matter what punches are thrown at you.

I am so proud of you and it truly makes me happy to know how well you are progressing.

Keep at it.

[BluWave]

Pheobe, you are coming along in strides! I love reading your posts!

I don't know where you live, but when you talk about your property, I envision that old Chevy Chase movie "Funny Farm." Remember that one? In fact, come to think of it, their marriage falls apart and they almost D also. LOL. If anyone hasn't seen that movie, go out and rent it. Today. You will get a good laugh in if anything!

Anyhow, I digress, your property sounds amazing, and I'm super jealous of the space, bees and chickens.

-Blu

[Phoebe]

Thanks, Hub and Blu.

I really do love my property. I have over 120 acres, maybe half in open fields, and the rest is wooded. I have a very small pond, a stream, and from the fields I can look out over a huge lake, even if I don't front it directly. Every single day I am grateful that I live in such a beautiful corner of the world. The "house" such as it is, isn't much at all (let's just say that H detests it) and the plan was always to build something new, but there's no mortgage and that means a lot, especially now.

The farm was in the hands of some seriously neglectful owners for decades before we bought it, and a few parts of the property have been abused pretty badly (like the area around the house!!). I am slowly trying to heal the land of the mess they left behind.

One of my new favorite activities is what I call "chicken-directed yard work." I let the birds out to free range, and they dig up all kinds of things - nails, plastic, glass, pieces of metal, what have you - and I walk around periodically and pick it up, making my world just a little bit nicer. Gotta love chickens. They're fun to watch, their fresh eggs keep me fed, and they help me heal the land. Win-win-win. They even got me in contact with my new beekeeping mentor. Who knew?

I'll go search for Funny Farm, Blu. I could use a comedy these days!

[Painter]

I'm so happy that your wonderful paradise (to be) is bringing you such comfort and happiness! It's such a great thing that you can feel all this excitement about future plans like for the bees - the ability to think ahead and plan for the future with excitement is a serious measurement of how we're doing mentally.

I hope the drive and consult and stay go peacefully and uneventfully. Keep us posted!

[GWH]

Phoebe,

I grew up on a dairy farm, and we also had chickens. They really are something to watch when free ranging.

I'm sure your place is going to look great when you get done with it, and that it's giving you some peace, and happiness. Your doing great Phoebe, keep at it.

[Phoebe]

HI everyone! I'm about to launch off on my drive to what ought to be H's state. Hopefully he's in his apartment (in the third state) and not hanging around. It always grates on me to think that I am in a crappy pseudo-house, and he lets our other, perfectly beautiful house, sit empty. It makes no sense.

My intent is to notify him that I'm going to be there to pick up a few things just before I arrive. I don't want to risk seeing him, and I also didn't want to give him a bunch of time to do anything to the place, not that I expect he would.

I'm not expecting any drama or really anything at all. Pick up just a few things that I've been missing, see the L, and then return to sender.

Fingers crossed for a very non-eventful trip with no contact with H beyond my heads up text.