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Thanks J. I guess the point that I was trying to make that got lost in my rambling was this: I have no fear, because no matter what happens, I will always have the freedom to choose how to respond, and the freedom to appreciate whatever life I have. The more I've made that my focus, the more I've felt at peace.

The loss of a marriage is beyond any scope of measurement I had in my life. I don't think you ever fully recover and healing is measured in years, not months or weeks. This is important because I think the desire to be better can drive us to make poor choices, like somehow we can do something that will change how much loss we took. If there's one thing I have done well it is to not let my emotions control me.

I think it comes from pool. I've watched a lot of players lose because they break down under pressure. It's like they are so, so, so uncomfortable that they just hurry up and shoot, rushing their shot, because they'd rather lose than endure more pressure of facing defeat. That's not so great. For me, I would always take a little extra time, and kind of acclimate to the pressure. I'd make peace with the loss before I shot so that I no longer had the fear, I would say to myself "hey, on the way to the world championship you're going to miss a lot of key shots, and this might be one of them. But if you overcome the fear of those setbacks and focus on giving your best to each opportunity you'll someday get there, and when you do you will be remembered by your accomplishments, not the setbacks you encountered along the way." Then I'd shoot, not so worried about whether I made this one shot, but rather that I was approaching it with the fierce attacking mentality that would lead me to greatness SOMEDAY.

I'm sorry you're on these boards and in the middle of this muck. I'm a big J fan as well. Just continue to steer by your beliefs and not your emotions and your life will gradually look better and better, and finding daily appreciation will start to come easier and easier. Take care!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Originally Posted By: JujuB
Just journaling now,

I have been in a new mood recently. I don't know if it's due to my hypnotherapy sessions, or perhaps it's because husband committed to divorce and no more limbo, or perhaps I am just naturally entering into acceptance phase of my situation.

I am definatly detached from my husband. I feel nothing for him. I do not wish him harm. I do not care if there is OW, I Do not care what he decides to do regarding leaving this state. Because it really does not matter to me. My life will go on regardless and so will sons life and we can make it a happy one.

Hopefully this is a permanent feeling because it's comfortable.


Juju, that sounds like a decent place to be. I wish I were there. I can't say that I don't feel anything for H, because I do.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Painter,

I don't know if it will last or if it's just numbness but I really am not feeling any emotions regarding jealousy, anger, or affection for husband.

We have also not lived together for almost a year and prior he isolated himself to the basement for a year. So maybe it's the time and distance. We exchanged son yesterday and he was nice, in a good mood. Probably relieved to have made a decision. And that's fine because I no longer want him punished. I am just hoping that we can get along and coparent.

I think we were just two people that did not know how to make a relationship work. I have been thinking about it a lot. We had very different needs, we had different interests. When I married him my best friend talked to me about really considering it. Not because my husband is a bad guy, but she was concerned about compatibility. My mother also told me "you are day, he is night".

His love languages in order: service, presents, touch, verbal, time spent.
My love languages: time spent, verbal, touch, service, presents.

This caused so many problems. I nagged him to spend time and he hated my nagging and resented me for not keeping house hold organized. We had no physical intimacy.

Now that's not to say there were not good times. Or things i did not appreciate about him. I did. I would have did anything I could to work things out. But by the time I figured it out it was too late for him. I didn't think these issues were unsolvable but he did. I truly believed that we could have went to a good therapist, read and did exercises to improve the relationship, learned about the nature of relationships and the universal issues between husbands and wives so that we could understand them and learn to address them. He did not want to.

And I really have no choice but to accept it and move forward.

So I think my "numbness". Is just a way of emotionally accepting something I can't really change anyhow and using it to live my life.

Am hoping I can keep this going through the legal process.

Thank you always for posting.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Hi J,

I was reading your latest posts and from where I stand you seem to have reach acceptance of your situation. You appear so peaceful and good in your own skin, I'm so proud of you and looking up to you. Our stitch started at around the same time, you have grown, blossomed and learnt so much.

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Thank you rouky. I hope your doing ok as well. I haven't seen you posting too much anymore.

I think I am coming to the realization that I am not a weak person. i think a lot of my negativity and obsession over my situation stemmed from some sort of deep rooted belief that I am weak. Some sort of insecurity that I have no control. "Poor me...husband left me, he's probably cheating, our relationship is so unfair" type of thoughts. But the truth is, I may not have control of husband but I do have control of how I am going to move forward with my life. It's only logical to focus on me. It's a waste of energy to focus on him.

Was so hard to truly see when I was so filled with emotion.


M: 42
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Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Originally Posted By: Zues126

I think it comes from pool. I've watched a lot of players lose because they break down under pressure. It's like they are so, so, so uncomfortable that they just hurry up and shoot, rushing their shot, because they'd rather lose than endure more pressure of facing defeat. That's not so great.


Sometimes I wonder if I did this. Was I too impulsive? Did I self sabatoge with taking husband to court/ calling him out at court/ a lot of my reactions? I am Definatly more comfortable out of limbo. At time I felt like such a failure and so guilt ridden.

now I feel like my reactions are my reactions.

My son was being particularly defiant a few days ago. he intentionally jumped on me and head butted me. It hurt! I love my son more then anything but my reaction was certainly not one of a kind and patient Mommy.

I am going to forgive myself for my reactions to button pushing and bad behavior. I never claimed to be a super spiritual guru type of person anyway. In relationships People react, they fight, they make up. They don't look for excuses and manipulations to justify their actions.


M: 42
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Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Originally Posted By: JujuB
Painter,

I don't know if it will last or if it's just numbness but I really am not feeling any emotions regarding jealousy, anger, or affection for husband.

We have also not lived together for almost a year and prior he isolated himself to the basement for a year. So maybe it's the time and distance. We exchanged son yesterday and he was nice, in a good mood. Probably relieved to have made a decision. And that's fine because I no longer want him punished. I am just hoping that we can get along and coparent.

I think we were just two people that did not know how to make a relationship work. I have been thinking about it a lot. We had very different needs, we had different interests. When I married him my best friend talked to me about really considering it. Not because my husband is a bad guy, but she was concerned about compatibility. My mother also told me "you are day, he is night".

His love languages in order: service, presents, touch, verbal, time spent.
My love languages: time spent, verbal, touch, service, presents.

This caused so many problems. I nagged him to spend time and he hated my nagging and resented me for not keeping house hold organized. We had no physical intimacy.

Now that's not to say there were not good times. Or things i did not appreciate about him. I did. I would have did anything I could to work things out. But by the time I figured it out it was too late for him. I didn't think these issues were unsolvable but he did. I truly believed that we could have went to a good therapist, read and did exercises to improve the relationship, learned about the nature of relationships and the universal issues between husbands and wives so that we could understand them and learn to address them. He did not want to.

And I really have no choice but to accept it and move forward.

So I think my "numbness". Is just a way of emotionally accepting something I can't really change anyhow and using it to live my life.

Am hoping I can keep this going through the legal process.

Thank you always for posting.


My situation is so much more recent, and H and I were close until a few weeks before I left. I hope to find indifference soon. Tonight, I grieve and miss him. His unkind tone and demeanor makes it so much harder.

I wanted to comment on the counseling/tools bit. I asked H to go to counseling with me for years and years, from just a few years into the M. He wouldn't. I went by myself, to several different counselors, male and female. I read books and tried to do a variety of things. We had trouble from the start, for many reasons, but a main problem was H's rage. He now blames his rage on me, but he raged even more with his ex-wife, from what I heard both in person and from my stepkids.

Some people just aren't willing to adjust. I'm sure you could have done things differently, but your H might not have been willing to work with you and at some point you realize you can't do it by yourself. I spent 15 years trying and got nowhere.

There was only one period of time where I felt that H returned to the guy I knew before we married, it was when he joined a charitable men's organization that requires a high level of involvement and dedication. The strong focus on their values and goals really impacted him and he was such a nice person while it lasted.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Sep 2015
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Originally Posted By: JujuB
[quote=Zues126]

Sometimes I wonder if I did this. Was I too impulsive? Did I self sabatoge with taking husband to court/ calling him out at court/ a lot of my reactions? I am Definatly more comfortable out of limbo. At time I felt like such a failure and so guilt ridden.



I feel this all the time too. And then I catch myself. Hindsight is a great teacher but I should never use it as a means of self-flagellation.

The good news is, I am becoming more comfortable with limbo and not knowing. It really was a lesson I needed to learn.

Originally Posted By: JujuB


In relationships People react, they fight, they make up. They don't look for excuses and manipulations to justify their actions.


Amen!


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Thanks JKSD.

My mother always said "guilt is a wasted emotion". Especially when it comes to endless self flagellation. Husband was mad at me today during kid exchange. I have no idea why, but for some reason I still feel guilty.

I thought I was more detached. Trying to just put it out of my mind and stop wondering why. His anger is his problem. Not mine.

Haha. Realize that's what he was thinking about me.

I was never comfortable with limbo. just could not get myself adjusted to it. Him saying it's time to go to mediator, ended limbo for me.


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Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Originally Posted By: Zues126
Thanks J. I guess the point that I was trying to make that got lost in my rambling was this: I have no fear, because no matter what happens, I will always have the freedom to choose how to respond, and the freedom to appreciate whatever life I have. The more I've made that my focus, the more I've felt at peace.

The loss of a marriage is beyond any scope of measurement I had in my life. I don't think you ever fully recover and healing is measured in years, not months or weeks. This is important because I think the desire to be better can drive us to make poor choices, like somehow we can do something that will change how much loss we took. If there's one thing I have done well it is to not let my emotions control me.


This sounds like what I was talking to a friend about today. I told her that all along, I felt like I would be okay, and better than okay, regardless what happened to my M. I've had a sense of a light inside me all along, and a focused mind that kept me from having an A of my own (I had the chance) or act in ways I would later regret.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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