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Mleigh, just stopping by to say hi. I don’t have much advice here. Just want to tell you that you are an inspiration to me. You are enjoying your life, while still being open to the dialog with your H. He’s got some ways to grow, that’s for sure. I’m coming to a conclusion in my own sitch, that if there is chance for a R down the road, it has to start anew with the friendship. My sitch is a bit different though. I have a grown up son and don’t have to worry about co-parenting.

I think it is huge step that your H had finally voiced his frustrations. I would encourage him to talk about that more. More he expressed himself, more he will be able to process things. I know this from my own experience. I used to hide all my feelings and resentments inside, and they just kept growing bigger and bigger. Once I learnt how to express my feelings and resentments, I was able to finally put them behind me (thanks to H and DB, ironically…) mleigh, keep listening to you H and validating. I think it will benefit both of you.

I hope your son enjoys his summer, in spite being stuck in the summer camp, LOL.


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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Hi mleigh4. I'm just catching up on your sitch and wanted to stop in.

I agree with the others that it sounds like your H has a ways to go in realizing that you aren't responsible for all his discomfort and unhappiness. But, at least he's talking and that gives you some insight into where he is on his journey.

I'm glad you have found ways to find some peace. I think that's something all of us here yearn for.

Hugs to you
2T


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Hi Mleigh

Very interesting conversation with your H. I have to agree with everyone. It was all about him. He seemed very concerned about you being with someone.

I think he needs a mom.

I do think he is making progress, him talking about it will echo in his own thoughts later and maybe he'll see his issues. Hopefully he discusses those as well.

Continue what you did, all you can do is listen.

Just don't fall too fast in the trap. I'd hate to see your H doing this o avoid being alone. He needs to do it to be with the amazing person you are.

Hugs
Irish


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
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Bright, 2times, Irish....you all inspire me. I think the great thing about this site is we learn and grow with each other and through each other's experiences and views. Thank you for your insight and kind words.

With yesterday being Fathers Day, I found myself struggling a bit. On one hand, I was completely ignored and forgotten on Mothers Day, not to mention I have built 10 foot walls around myself this last year.....I felt tempted to ignore it myself

On the other hand, that is not the person I want to be. Plus, we had the talk and I listened to his hurt over feeling invisible.....

I stayed quiet in the day until he TM that he was on his way. He was picking up S to take him to his dad's to swim. He called S, asking if he wanted to eat out? Eat at papas? Was he hungry? It was hard to stay quiet as I love cooking for him, but I couldn't bring myself to offer....not sure why, just couldn't. I figured, if he invites me, then I will, but I went back and forth in my mind. I haven't seen or talked to his dad in a long time. I did send his dad a Happy Fathers day TM and he replied thank you.

When H was almost here, he TM asking if I wanted to join them. I replied I didn't feel like swimming, but would be happy to cook them up some grub. H jumped on it. He picked up S and dog, and I headed to the store.

I showed up with bags of food and cooler with beer and wine. FIL did not realize I was coming to cook. He offered to order a pizza. I said oh no, I am here to feed and serve you! He seemed so happy. I pulled out appetizers for them to munch while I cooked us up NY steaks. They swam, then we stuffed ourselves. We laughed and had a good time, very mellow, very relaxed, very much like old times. The 4 of us always did things together, travelled together.

SIL showed up, and boy did the atmosphere change! She is a mini MIL, she complained about the parenting of the little girl she nannies, complained about the parenting style of some other people, just total negativity and put downs. Being that is a trigger topic for me, I found myself taking deep breaths. She went on and on while we all pretty much stayed quiet. At one point, when we told her about S straight A's, FIL gave me credit for having always read to S. (That felt so good) She said that was great, then went on about how kids these days get rewarded for nothing. Finally, I grabbed plates on the table to clean up, went in the house. H got up and followed me, said she was really annoying! Lol, if he only knew he can act just like her!! I just smiled and said it's best I just stay quiet smile

We went back outside and listened to her drone on, a know it all about everything, until finally FIL stood up and announced time to watch the basketball game. She said her goodbyes and left. Whew!

No wonder H was attracted to me, I am so opposite of the women in his life!

Overall, it was a really nice time. Very comfortable, not awkward. When I left, FIL gave big hugs, said it was a wonderful fathers day and asked if I would keep in touch. H gave me several thank yous throughout the day and was very attentive back. I was really glad I decided to participate in the day. S loved it too.

I dropped off S with H tonight. He told me about his horrible day at work and showed me text exchanges with a couple of his employees. So, H is general foreman, and I read these texts and saw him, honestly, being a real a## to these guys. I caught myself from saying so and let him go on about their incompetence. In these texts, he argues and puts these guys down, so I suggested, next time, just call them and tell them in simple terms, what you need and expect from them. I didn't tell him this, but H is really a monster with his angry TM's! I have seen it firsthand, but to co-workers? Not cool. He agreed talking would be better.

H also brought up his sister, what a know it all she is. I again just smiled.

So much is becoming clearer and clearer. The atmosphere he was raised in, his mom and 2 sisters, really did a number on him. His dad was a cop and away a lot, it just explains so much. It's amazing how much you learn when you just sit back and watch, listen.

I want to be the calm in his storm, no matter how things turn out.

Hope you all have a good week smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
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BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Mleigh - nice job zipping it and just watching the family dynamics on Father's Day. I know what you mean when you say that the more you watch, the clearer things become. I feel the same exact way.

SIL and MIL are handfuls and unfortunately, it seems to be second nature for them to surround themselves in negativity. How exhausting it must have been to listen to all that.

Your FIL sounds great and I am glad you were able to enjoy the day despite SIL's attempted hijacking.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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M ... as always you sound very strong in this as you have been throughout.

Not much to add .. I read up on you but have little to say these days. Keep going smile


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Hi M......whew SIL sounds like hard work!! That must have been pretty draining and I agree that you did well to ride gracefully through that day.

Sounds like you are doing well generally too my friend and I'm glad for you.

Keep in touch & have a lovely weekend xx


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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi guys. is it just me or is time flying by!? I have been busy and feel a need for some R and R, which I plan on getting today.

After H had shared his work related stress with me on Monday, I decided to send him a quick TM Tuesday morning to say I hoped his day was better, with an emoji sunrise. He replied a few hours later saying it was now. A nice response smile

Tuesday MIL said she could pick up S from summer camp on Friday after lunch. I said ok, then heard nothing more from her. Friday afternoon, I took my lunchbreak at about 2:00 and decided to see if she had picked up S or not. She had not. How does she think that makes S feel? To say she is an unreliable flake is putting it nicely. I can not wait until the day I no longer need to deal with her.

On Wednesday, I got a TM from FIL to say thank you again for coming over on Fathers Day and to say he loved me. I am glad I have reopened the door to my R with him a bit, but I feel hesitant as he is the closest connection to H.

Contact with H remains positive but scarce. He came yesterday to pick up S and stayed for a couple of hours. Apparently he bought a broken electric bike that he fixed up and took out on Friday night. He crashed and has a huge gash across his chest. I shake my head but just told him I was glad he wasn't hurt worse.

After they left, I headed to a graduation party and had a good time. Bad boy friend continues to try to get my attention, I now have friends telling him directly to give it up already! We all danced up a storm while the grad and his buddies waited for his mom and friends to tire out so they could take over the party. Lol. Since the day he was born, the grad has grown up with all of us around. His dad, H best friend and my very close friend since High School, passed away in 2007. The grad gave a heartfelt speech to us all thanking us for being there for him and his family through such tough times. His mom, one of my BF, had invited H. He mentioned he might stop by with S, but of course didn't. She has been very open in letting me know she feels let down by H, but she keeps her home and heart open to him. She is one of my biggest inspirations, a truly amazing woman and I let her know it.

I continue to feel H and I live in very different worlds. While here yesterday, a few general statements were so full of negativity. I just feel we have nothing in common, other than a few brief connections here and there, there is nothing that has me seeing us through this. I continue to hope he learns a way to have a more positive outlook on life around him.

My state of mind has changed so much. I feel inside to be full of warmth, hope, faith and an overall sense of positivity and calm. When I am around a vibe of negativity, I feel an urge to move away from it. I find myself moving and growing further from H, yearning to have a more positive person to be a part of my life.

The way I see it, one of two things will happen. Either H and I will find a way to reconnect. Or, someone new will come into my life who I feel a connection with. In the meantime, I live on and move on, to see which happens first. It sounds a bit bad I suppose, I no longer feel a real "committment" to my marriage. After so long, that has faded, I feel more that I am open to letting my life unfold as it will be instead of trying to control the outcome. I feel very at peace with that. Life is short, and right now, I don't see us being a fit. That goes both ways, we both deserve to be with someone who we can be ourselves with and feel happy with. I don't see myself being that person with H, and vice versa. Not sure if I have changed too much, if H has changed too much, or both. The love will always remain.

Next weekend is 4th of July and I hope we can all enjoy the time together. I find myself trying to lead H towards a happier view and path, but we all know there is only so much we can do. They need to figure it out for themselves.

On a creepy note, I found my side gate wide open this morning. All gates stay closed because of dog, but she was with H last night. Someone was on my back deck, not a good feeling for a girl home alone. I checked all window locks, all in place. It's a comfort to know I have a house alarm too and will be using it.

I hope you all have a good weekend and week. Stay positive and live in the moment.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Mleigh - nice to hear an update on you.

Regarding the gate situation, yikes. We are having many burglaries in our neighborhood and people are starting to padlock their gates as an easy precaution. Burglars can still climb a gate but I think it just makes an attempted entry it a little more visible and so deters it? Good to hear you have an alarm. Be safe.

Your FIL's message is really sweet. That is a very thoughtful reach out.

You sound grounded and solid as a rock.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Catching up on your thread, sounds like you're going well.

I had my back gate (narrow access alley between fences) broke and pushed in a couple months ago. Thankfully my dogs are always here but still a bad feeling. Anyway, maybe a trail camera would be good to put up. My sister and her h have a lot of property and had trouble with someone trespassing. He set up a trail camera and caught their neighbor.

Good to hear about you fil, that you can maintain a r. I tm'd my mil happy bday last weekend and asked if the kids could call her and got no response.

Glad to hear you sound good, take care.

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