Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Thank you and don't worry, I am not taking on the responsibility for his unhappiness. As I continue to process that statement, I do realize this has been the theme the whole time. "You neglected me. You gave everything to S, nothing to me" In all honesty, I am so tired of hearing it and can clearly see he is still stuck there.

I am glad I spoke up and pointed out he certainly wasn't treating me like a princess. I am also glad I told him I am no longer there and don't want to go back.

Thing is, it's become very clear to me that I have learned from my experience, I have grown, and am moving on. He remains stuck in the same place. It is just like we say, we keep moving, growing from it. They remain in "poor me" world. This is where it's tricky and for me, why I feel we are no longer compatible.

When we do talk, this will definitely be something I bring up. This has been an experience to learn and grow from. If he wants to continue to play the blame game, and not own up to his part, he is not for me. I know it takes longer for them to reach that point, I just don't know if I am too far ahead of him now. Having a baby rocked my world. I had no idea what the work involved would be like, the lack of sleep, the anxiety it brought on, the responsibility I felt to take care of this little creature. On top of that, I was working full time, coming home to cook my husband dinner each night, handling home responsibilities.....like you said Job, he could have helped. He sat back and watched me run myself ragged. My mistake and part I will own up to is, I should have spoke up and demanded help. Instead, I just kept telling myself, it will get better, it's temporary.

He took the day off today and has S since S had no school today. He sent me a couple of pics of S playing. I am keeping him from getting into my head. Nothing has changed except the opportunity to open a door to some better communication.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 726
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 726
hi Mleigh

yes "the poor me" of MLC. I think that is why we get stronger as time goes on because we fight to move on. They self pity and want the world to pick them up so they stay in their dark place and project on us or anyone else in their way.

You do seem to have more communication with your H. If you are done it's because you know you are. I could say I'm done because of who STBXW is at he moment. If the old W evolved .. not sure what I'd do. It all deepens where i am.

wish you well x
Irish


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
Mleigh - I just caught up. Sorry, I know I am late to the table. I ditto Irish.

Several things stuck out at me. First, wow, your h has a lot of hurt. I hear a lot of hurt out of him. It's hard to know if it's projection, an immature understanding of marriage/raising kids or a bit of both. Marriages change when people have kids. Everyone has to work harder at most everything. And yes, both spouses neglect each other and even themselves. It's just something every couple needs to work through. His comments came off as a pretty immature. Did he think it would all be easy and his life would be unaltered?

And, it did surprise me to hear him say he didn't know if he was happy. I think that's the verbiage he used. He said sometimes he's happy and sometimes he is not. I am curious to know in what moments he's happy and in what moments he is not. Hmm. All that time off by himself and he's doesn't get the fact that nothing is ever perfect; we all have to find a way to make ourselves happy.

The last thing that resonated with me was that he seemed hurt that you said you are happy now with the way things are. One thought here. If you're going to have a conversation with him soon, maybe you consider addressing this? I know this whole scenario is not your ideal and you never wanted all this, but it came off that he thinks you did. No? I am just thinking this may need to be clarified as there sounds like there's a lot of hurt behind that? Just a thought . . .

You are a tough cookie! Kudos to you on all your hard work.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi Irish. you hit it pretty much on the nail for me. I am done with the H of today and the past 3 years. I loved my H before very much, and if he was to start to evolve back, and wanted to work on us, I believe I would certainly take notice and listen.

Hi HW. The last time H mentioned to me that I said I was happy now, I corrected him by saying, I am happy because I turned a chitty situation into an amazing life changing experience that I have learned from. Seems all he heard was, I am happy.

I agree, he sounds very hurt when we talked. His whole demeanor changes, his face gets long and gloomy, like talking to a child who is in trouble. When I told my co-workers about his statement of "you didn't want me", 2 of them said right away, that sounds like childhood issues. I got the very strange feeling like, in his mind, the tables are turned. Almost like he thinks I created and continue on with this limbo! However, my H is a master manipulator, and you through MLC mumbo jumbo on top.....

I admit, I fought it, but he did get into my head a bit. It didn't take long for me to snap back into the real world and out of his world. It actually angered me a bit. If I hear, one more time, his cry about how I neglected him, I will reach over and pull a hair out of his arm. One more time! GET OVER IT!!

Thing is, marriage should be a partnership with unconditional love. (Job's words). People make mistakes, together you should learn and grow from them. it's a learning process just like everything else in life. Mistakes will always be made, it's human. This would explain why we are all here, our beliefs. Knowing my H, he does not have these same values.... I have some good stuff to bring to the table when we talk. I agree that his thinking is very immature.

Cali-I know talking to him right now may be a waste of time and useless, but it's something I need. He encouraged it, so who knows.

On to some GREAT news! H and I attended an awards ceremony for S at school tonight. He made Principal's List for straight A's!! I am over and beyond proud, he worked hard and responsibly this year for those grades. When I got there, I took S to his teacher, then got myself a seat near the front. I did not save one for H, figured I would just let it play out on its own. The seats filled up fast. I saw H walk in and go up to S, then head towards the back for a seat. About 5 minutes later, he TM to say it looked like S was looking for me and wanted to make sure I was there somewhere. (eyeroll) I told him, yes, I was, that S and I were making faces at each other. This was the first time being at an event for S, where I did not care for H to sit next to me. I felt nothing, no loss, about it. I sat tall and proud, all smiles.

After, we all went outside together to take some pics of S with his award, then went our separate ways. How sad, I thought, that you won't be celebrating such an accomplishment with your S tonight. Sad indeed and his loss.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Congratulations to your son for making he Principal's List for straight A's! That is a major accomplishment and one that all can be proud of. Your h should be ashamed of himself since he was the one complaining for quite some time about son and his homework/grades, etc. Just goes to show you that your h is so out of tune w/what is going on and how his son is really doing in school.

I'm glad that you and your son had a great time. You've go so much to be proud of when it comes to your son.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
M

There is just something about the feeling one gets when their child has moments like that in spite of this MLC crap that they too have had to endure. I think sometimes its so easy for us all to get wrapped up in all this MLC noise, we do what we can to shield the kids from it but they too have to deal with it, maybe more than we do because they can not detach ... 2 homes ping ponged back and forth yet they love anyways, maybe we can learn something from them (thinking aloud here as I ramble). So when they succeed I think we who can think and see clearly through this mess enjoy it that much more, and as you said ... we are a bit sad our MLCr's lack the ability to fully celebrate it whether it be emotionally, or just being present due to the 2 household situation.

I would guess H didn't like the feeling of not being a family, not sitting next to you ... I would guess with this and the past events there will be continued movement one way or the other.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Thank you for your congrats Job. In spite of H concerns about S future and his love of computers, My S has proven to be a responsible young man who has worked hard to earn those grades. 2 of his computer loving buddies made honor roll and celebrated along with S. I hope this opens H eyes a bit.

That night at bedtime, I again told S how proud I am, but I told him, more important than me being proud is for him to be proud of himself. I told him he should be proud of himself for taking his homework seriously and for putting his all into all of the testing, that being proud of himself is very important. He joked back with me, but I intend to keep drilling that in. Our self views are what build us into the person we will be someday. That our own self pride and self confidence is more important than what others think.

Cali, you are so right. To see my S love us both unconditionally, and to thrive the way he has, in spite of the problems between his mom and dad, is pretty amazing. It shows H and I are doing something right. It makes me think twice about making any drastic waves here.... which I find to be frustrating....but all in all S comes first.

Friday was playday at S school. They had different fun activities for the kids and needed parents to help with each activity. I was able to coordinate with work and help out for an hour. I showed up at school at 10 am, while walking in, I see H work truck parked. I thought, what is he doing here? I walk onto the school and see H walking. I immediately turn to walk the other way (instinct and not sure why) I walk up to my station, where a mom I know was helping, and H is there. He looked surprised to see me, gave a big hello, and explained he came back to put sunscreen on S because he hadn't that morning. Weird coincidence? H went to put on S while I relieved the mom. H then came back and asked if I wanted sunscreen. I said sure and thank you. We said goodbyes and he left.

S had a great time and looked thrilled and surprised to have both parents show up, although he is definitely into having space with his buddies...you know, being cool? It's really fun to see him growing up and I am going off his signals whether he wants me around or not. very new for me! But I get it.

I notice I seem to be in avoidance mode with H. I did it at awards and again at school playday....not sure why. I feel kind of bad, Its not a natural feeling for me.

I continue to think a lot about talking with H. Mainly, we got into this together, we need to figure it out together. For me to make any kind of decision, or to continue doing this, completely on my own, no longer feels right. I sense he is ready, as I am, to talk about some things. I am not sure what the outcome will be, I don't expect to have any huge answers, I feel it's just part of the process we need to go through. I look forward to talking like friends and am ready to open up. I have calendars printed up for us to go over holidays. I have a good feeling about it all, I plan on suggesting to get together towards the end of the month.

In the meantime, we stay busy! At work, we once again succeeded our goals and made record profit. This morning I cleaned our hot tub (mini summer pool) and filled it up so S and I have our heat escape. Tonight we have a grad party to attend. Next weekend I have a baby shower, the weekend after that is fathers day. I don't plan to ignore it, as H did mother's day, because that is not me. We will bake up H some goodies and hand S over to H even though it is my weekend.

I hope you are all having a good weekend and are enjoying some sunshine smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Today I went out back to water my plants. I heard a sound, like either a swarm of bees...or a drone. I look up and there it is, it was the exact color and shape of H drone. I called out to S, who came out to see. It flew over, hovered above for a moment, then flew away. S says it was daddy.

I TM H and asked....crickets.

??????


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Hi M, Just catching up ... sorry I haven't been around much. I wonder if you would be open to a marriage counseling session? Seems like there's an opening and it might be helpful to have a neutral party on board to navigate these waters? Just a thought?

I read that conversation between you and H and thought there's so much feeling still there on both sides, it needs to be sorted through and there might be some surprises once that's done, for both of you. Who knows? But then, you know I'm an incurable romantic and always hope for true love to trump MLC. Sadly, I'm often wrong so, pretty much ignore me, lol...

I will say that drone experience was a bit unnerving. Big brother is watching??? That would completely freak me out.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
oh and give your S a big hug from me for his award! Well done!!! xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard