Very nicely done! Your son is the social butterfly and I'm happy he's getting out there and doing things. As for you...wow! You are doing wonderfully and sound very much grounded, i.e., calm and centered.
Keep up the good work. Vacation time will be here before you know it!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Mleigh - it was so nice to read an update from you. I have been thinking about you and your son. Life over there sounds really good.
It still astounds me that your h habitually misses school events and yet hops up on that pedestal to lecture about responsibility. Lots of head scratching over the lack of self awareness present in the MLCer.
I enjoyed reading all your updates. You sound strong and grounded. Kudos to you on being that rock for your son. What a lucky guy.
Regarding dating, I was thinking about that while I was in NYC. I was thinking I would probably be quite a freak date these days. Some of the pre-qualifying questions I would have these days are (but are not limited to): What % of your day you do you hide in your bedroom? How many times per month are you in other rooms of your house? Is someone trying to kill or poison you? Do you have any keyed locks on any of your doors within your home? How many words do you say per month? What kinds of strategies do you have to prevent yourself from aging?
And I was thinking it has been so long since I have had a normal, meaningful conversation with a man, that after 5 constant minutes of talking, I might be overwhelmed. So many words; sensory overload!!
Your vacation is going to be amazing. So fun that you can bring your dog, too.
Sending good karma your way. You are an amazingly strong woman and mother.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi MLeigh, you are sounding in a really good place and I'm pleased for you. It's funny (well actually not) how MLCers sideline themselves in the lives of their nearest and dearest, but also want to be seen as the good guy/gal.
HaWho, I have to laugh at your questions. My divorce group chums and I have had some good fun with our 'virtual' prospective partner questionnaire...running to 537 or so probing questions....guaranteed to put off all but the most persistent dates...
Hope you ladies are having a great weekend! Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I agree with the dating criteria! You would think we would be desperate, but instead, are wary! So far, in dealing with men who have shown interest in me, I hit 2 must haves.
First, he must be someone who I feel comfortable being me around. I am a goofball and quirky and always held back around H.
Second, he must be family focused, hopefully will have kids of his own. One guy recently told me, "you need to get a sitter so we can go out and have fun." Instant turn off! Granted, I will not be introducing my son to just any guy anytime soon, however, I don't want someone wanting to get rid of him!
Who knows what is out there, hopefully I can find myself a Caliguy or Irish type
Sotto - I would love to hear the short list of questions on that questionnaire. I am sure there are some doozies on there.
Mleigh - I agree that it's a total turn off to have a guy trying to get a sitter "to have fun." Umm, that sounds just as immature as what I already have. What does he want to do? Go and egg houses?!?
I would want a guy who is all grown up and comfortable with it. I have a strong preference for someone who understands the reality of the human life cycle (AND actually accepts it). I also think I would work harder to understand their FOO issues and how they went through their childhood and teenage years.
Who am I kidding, though? At this point I would have a first date come over for dinner. And if the guy eats the bowl of cereal I put before him, he passes. There would be no talking. He just comes in, I put the cereal in front of him and stare at him. If he eats it, yay, you don't think I am trying to kill you!! 2nd date here I come.
I was thinking how I could even tell someone what happened in my marriage? I was picturing a guy asking and how on earth I could even answer. Who would even believe it? There needs to be some specialized MLC Survivor dating website. It would be to MLC what Farmersonly.com is to farmers. Otherwise, if on a date, when asked, I would forever have to smile and say: oh, you know, we just grew apart.
Whereas, if there were a MLC based site, the only question would be: so how crazy did YOUR spouse go?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HW that is a great idea! There are dating sites for specific religions, gender based, over 50, even certain nationalities.....why not for MLC survivors!?
You crack me up, you really do. I can only imagine how you could describe your experience, you are living a movie.
In all honesty though, I hope you never have to go there and your H wakes up already! I hate that any of us here have to think about venturing out. We will see what I am actually capable of once it happens, I may find I am still not ready. I still fear what I am attracted to because my choices so far have been......not so good!
I have stranger danger fear and hope to meet someone through friends.
Job, I think of you so much and always appreciate you dropping by. I am a curious person and have a question for you. Did you try out dating after XH? What was your experience like? Do you have a special someone or are you content in your own world? I hope I am not being intrusive.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh, To answer your questions. Yes, I have dated periodically, but most men in my area want a mother and a maid. Been there, done that and I'm not planning to raise another adult under my roof. LOL!
As for when people ask me why I was divorced, I simply stated that after 25 years of marriage, he had a melt down and flew the coop. People in today's society are more aware of what MLC is and no further explanation was needed once I stated what I did.
You know Mleigh, it can be tough to date again. I know it was for me for a long time. I had my criteria, my thoughts, likes, dislikes, etc. Know what happened? I was wrong. As time went on, I found that there were things I liked, things I didn't like, but that I had only the reference of a 20 year marriage to compare. So I decided to try different things and be much more patient. I first needed to get to a place where I was OK alone or with somebody. To do that, I needed to go out and be with friends.
Best advice I ever got from a friend - even if you don't feel like it, get out. Go for a walk, go see friends, etc.
After a while, I was fine alone, in a crowd, or with somebody else. Then I started dating and was able to get a different reference point.
There are a lot of great people out there to meet and some to date. Like you, I have my likes and dislikes.
I have a different story I tell than, Job. When people ask me about my ex (infrequent these days) I tell them the truth. There wasn't enough room in the house for her and her boyfriend. She had to go
Good luck!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ is right. You have to be comfortable w/yourself first and then w/someone else. Jumping into a dating pool can be difficult and like AJ pointed out...your reference point is only your marriage.
Like I said, I date periodically, but I also have a lot of male friends and we do things together, i.e., just enjoy each other's time together w/no strings attached. I also do a lot of things solo. I may be crazy, but I enjoy doing things solo. I enjoy my own company very much. At least I can laugh and say "I'm in control of the remote and not have to argue w/someone about what channel to watch". LOL!
Sometimes, I go one step further and tell people the same thing that Princess Diana stated in an interview "there were three of us in this marriage" and then I say "I rest my case".
Don't rush into dating until you feel comfortable in your own skin. Give yourself time to heal from the divorce (if it happens). I've seen entirely too many people rush into new relationships and then discover that they weren't healed enough to let go of the previous marriage baggage.
As for dating sites, well, I've had many a laugh. I signed up for one that has a questionnaire that you complete. I was very critical of my likes, dislikes, interests, religion, etc., and I just knew that I would never get any interest. Lo and behold! I started getting all sorts of hits and none of them met my any of my responses to the questionnaire. To this day, I still laugh about some of those guys and what they were looking for. I did actually date one of them and all he wanted to talk about was his lack of performance and that's why his wife had left him. Can you just imagine someone talking about such a thing on the first and definitely the last date? LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree that you have to be good with who you are and know what it is you want for yourself and your life before dipping your toe in the dating pool.
Regardless of the status of anyone's situation ... estranged, separated, or full out divorced ... I think there is baggage that has to be shed before you can really focus on what YOU want from a partner and from life.
If you want to dive in, do it from a perspective of finding yourself and not one of looking for a replacement for your spouse. Do it from a perspective of having some fun and not from looking for something serious.
Job, you are not crazy at all. I least I hope you aren't because I would be crazy, too. I like doing things with other folks, but I enjoy going solo more (except restaurants other than fast food ... I haven't conquered that one yet). I like to travel and have traveled with friends and kids. I hate the point where the person I'm traveling with wants to go to the quilt museum and I want to go see the world's biggest ball of string. I always seem to end up at the quilt museum and regret that I missed my opportunity to see the ball of string. LOL
There's a lot to be said about doing it "my way," as Frank would say.
If you're going to jump into the dating pool ... do it your way.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
