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mleigh4 Offline OP
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sotto, job, 2T and HW, thank you for your well wishes! Vacation has been wonderful.

H arrived on Sunday, 1/2 hour late but that was expected. We laughed about the bags of food and supplies I had for a 3 day trip. We were prepared for a month, a natural disaster or a shelter in place! H said he was not surprised and loaded everything into his truck, he offered to drive.

We arrived at the beautiful beach house on a bluff overlooking my beautiful ocean. I was in heaven. It was pretty perfect and exactly what I needed. I was out on the deck enjoying the view and noticed the neighbor out on his. I introduced myself, the new friendlier M who now loves to meet new people, and we chatted. H came out looking for me and we all started chatting. The neighbor commented that it had been foggy for weeks and cleared up as soon as we got there. H laughed that we normally have that effect. Honestly, we are always very lucky with weather on our trips and that played true on this one, the sun stayed out every day.

We spent the time going on walks and playing. H and I spent hours on the deck with binoculars watching for dolphins, whale spouts and watching the fishing boats. We enjoyed the sunset every evening with cocktails and music. We cooked delicious meals and mainly relaxed. In fact, the first day, all of us took a 3 hour nap together on the bed, including dog. I think we all needed that sea air and relaxation. We only went down to the beach a couple of times, the trek down was very steep and exhausting! Dog LOVED it! S got a bit anxious when she would go near the water but soon realized she was fine. We found some perfect sand dollars too. H took his drone out and got some beautiful footage of the ocean, the houses and the farm land surrounding us.

There was no R talk or affection, but a very peaceful, comfortable vibe between us. H did show some thoughtfulness by bringing me coffee and putting on my favorite music at times. The times I would take dog for a quick walk to have some me time, here he would come. I made a point of remembering his fear of being invisible so I decided to give him the same attention as I give my S. That made it easy for me and H seemed to appreciate it.

The time went fast and we were packing up to leave. Now, here is where I got a bit annoyed and tested. We had to be out by 11 or would be charged more for every 15 minutes, according to the house rules. I was running around like a mad woman basically doing everything on my own while H took a long time in the bathroom then a shower. S did help with what he could. When it got to be 10:45 I called H through the door, saying I needed his help. He came right out and was asking for orders. I was a bit flustered by then, but remained calm and stated what he could do. It ended up working out, and I did not blow up like the old M would, but I felt it was really selfish that he did not help more. Then he had the nerve to give S a bad time for not helping more. I wish I had spoken up to that, but was really distracted with getting the house in order at the time.

We were on our way. I was back in my happy place, and H wanted ice cream so we stopped off to get some on the way home.

When I got home, kitty had not been seen by my friend that was coming to feed her. She did not come home all night, but was there in the morning, thank goodness. I was worried sick by then. Now, she has not let me out of her sight! lol

Overall the trip was nice, I was happy that H joined us. He made for a lot of laughter and fun times. He really is a big kid. At one point, he wanted me to ride his motorized bike. I tried to get on it, but it is a boy bike with the bar and high up, I am only 5 feet tall. So H assured me that the brakes work good if I want to stop quickly, he kept pushing me, telling me how fun it is. After trying to get on it, I calmly assured him that it seems really fun, but with being so small, even when I brake the bike, my legs can't reach the ground and that makes me really uncomfortable. To explain the reason, instead of just getting annoyed with it, like the old me would have done, seemed to help him understand why I would not ride the bike. I am learing new ways to express myself with him, in hopes that he understands where I am coming from.

I still have a few days remaining before going back to work and I am still in total relax mode. This has been a wonderful time off and I am loving it.

S, who does not like to leave home and travel, seemed to enjoy the beach house, he said it was much better having dog with him, so this may be our new vacation theme.

H has S right now, so its lunch time, then a nap. What am I doing to do without daily naps again?

xxoo


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Oh, I forgot to mention a moment of self reflection with H. We were watching the very first episode of SNL. He commented that he used to stay up late when he was young and watch it with his dad. I said really, it wasn't very age appropriate for you, was it? He said "no, it wasn't, maybe thats why I am so screwed up"

I laughed and looked over at H, he was not laughing. He got very serious followed by silence. Possibly he is starting to look back at some childhood things...

One thing I know for sure, I don't feel like the enemy with him any longer. The dynamic between us is very different. I don't get the feeling he is hiding things from me, or needing to get away from me, all those feelings I used to have. I feel there is a trust rebuilding between us that makes fora very comfortable atmosphere.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
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BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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I'm very glad that all of you had a great time. I'm also glad that kitty is back home and safe. Enjoy the rest of your time off.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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mwah! M so happy you had a relaxing time and that you and H are getting along well. Really happy kitty is ok and home! xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4
He commented that he used to stay up late when he was young and watch it with his dad. I said really, it wasn't very age appropriate for you, was it? He said "no, it wasn't, maybe that's why I am so screwed up"


wow... at least he knows something is wrong in the control tower.

So happy you having some normalcy with your family. Enjoy it and no pressure. See where it goes.

hugs

Irish


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XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Mleigh, I’m so happy to hear that you had a great vacation! And that you had very positive interactions with your H!

Originally Posted By: mleigh4
One thing I know for sure, I don't feel like the enemy with him any longer. The dynamic between us is very different. I don't get the feeling he is hiding things from me, or needing to get away from me, all those feelings I used to have. I feel there is a trust rebuilding between us that makes fora very comfortable atmosphere.
This is huge!!! This is what I constantly go back to when I start thinking about a possible R with my H. Will I be able to get pass these feelings that he is hiding something from me? The most important part would be, would he try to hide anything from me. Because this would be a no go for me. I don’t want to be there again.

Originally Posted By: Irish
M wow... at least he knows something is wrong in the control tower.
Irish, you crack me up, LOL!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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So good to hear that you all had a nice vacation!

It's good to hear that it was peaceful and that there was a shift in that your h did not seem to have that bulls eye on you.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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M, thank you for the comments and insights you posted on my thread. You make a lot of sense and I appreciate your advice. I responded on my thread.

I'm so glad you and your H are enjoying each others company and the trip went so well for the family.

Keep up the good work! You inspire me.

Much love,
2T


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Hi all,

Well, vacation is over and it's back to the real world. Also seems that H has retreated a bit back into his hole.

Contact is still friendly, but scarce. I am still digging into my own feelings towards H. The weekend after vacation, H had S, who wanted to go swimming. He had some errands to run, but eventually got S to his dad's to swim, and invited me, but warned of a big rig crash on the freeway that had traffic backed up. I checked and Sig alert showed bad traffic, so I passed. About an hour later, I took the same route to hang out with a friend at her house. H called while I was there and sounded surprised I was nearby, I felt a bit guilty? But honestly, I felt like some fun, and my friend is more fun to be around than H. Ouch, right? Eh, we need our girl time.

It surprises me that I don't yearn to be around H anymore. Those feelings have long faded....I continue to think, every single day, that this is going nowhere, that there is something better than this out there, and that I don't see us coming out of this married. Every Single Day.

Last weekend I had S and he again wanted to swim at pappa's with his buddies. I picked up his friends and took them, I also let H know. He ended up coming and barbecued us hamburgers, which was nice of him. One weird thing, the boys ages are 9 and 11, too young, in my opinion, to be left unattended in the pool. Everytime I would pop in the house for something, H either had his back to them or would come in the house. I finally said, someone needs to stay out here with the boys, they can't be left unattended. H said, they all know how to swim, right? I said yes, but they are still too young to be left alone, not to mention we are responsible for 2 that are not ours. I was shocked about H, and now worry about him taking S swimming. The next time, I plan on talking to S, to make sure he stays out of the pool if no adult around.

The night before that, S informed me that H forced him to shower instead of letting him take a bath, so my gut tells me that jerk H has come back for a visit....

Monday was my birthday. Happy Birthday to me!!! I actually felt very anxious, tried very hard to have no expectations, but with our growing friendship, I expected to be treated like a special friend. I just treated the guy to a beach vacation for Pete's sake! Well, my expectations led to big disappointment. First off, H kept telling me at his dad's on swim day that he still needed to wrap my presents. Not sure how I was supposed to respond? So my birthday comes. I kept waiting for those flowers to be delivered to work! You know, the ones a man gets his wife? Ya, that didn't happen. No request to a birthday dinner either, just a Happy Birthday text mid morning. It was my night to drive S to H, so we headed there like normal after work. On the way, H texts that he still needs to wrap gifts and I may need to wait. Then he asked if I had dinner plans, because if not, he and S could wrap then meet me for dinner. This was at 6:00 at night that he came up with this idea.

By then, my girlfriend had found out I had no plans, so of course I already had plans and let him know so.

By the time I got there, I was overflowing with hurt, but I kept my cool. He came out with a bottle of wine, a cheap one by the way, he had to know I would know that, and told me here is one of my gifts. I calmly thanked him, told him not to worry about the others, to take his time and give them when ready. I am sure my smile was fake, but I did smile. He then said, well me and S can come over after your dinner plans. I told him, no, that's ok.....

Next day, I pick up S from summer camp. He can't wait to get me home to open the presents that daddy left in the garage. Yep! H dropped off my presents in the garage.

S was very proud of them, he told me he picked them out for me. That amazed me because every gift was something I would have gotten myself.....a gnome for the yard, a Sun windchime, a beautiful plant pot and a wine cork holder. I praised S, told him I was very impressed at how well he knows me!

After having a good cry with my good friend, and wondering what the he!! I am waiting for, I decided to look at this in a light other than feeling like my H heart is just no longer in this.....a big production was made that S did this all for me, and I choose to see this as an amazing gift from him, and an effort by H to make it all about him. I am disappointed, I won't lie, but I did not react on those emotions, as hard as it was.

I also realize, my H is just plain weird. I know he doesn't do things to hurt me, he is in his own world and has been for a long time. I think about things he does, says, how he lives his life, and I really believe he is just plain weird and getting weirder the older he gets! Lol.

So, no anger, just sad, for our relationship, our family and our home. I was most worried about the example this gave S, to leave presents in a garage instead of making time for a good friend, but S has shown me his thoughtfulness and his joy in giving me those presents. He was full of love and pride, and that was the best present of all. My crazy H problems faded away.....

Aside from that, I stay busy with my friends and co-workers who I love dearly. I got a raise too! So life is good, all are healthy and I can't complain.

Love to you guys,
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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I just want to add, I don't mean to come off sounding unappreciative of the fact that H even acknowledged my birthday, let alone took S out shopping for me. I know many here get nothing and I know the pain that brings, my heart hurts for all of us here. My sadness comes from the reminder, on a special occasion, that my marriage is dead.

I can't put down H for his heart not being in it, because my heart no longer is either. Maybe he senses the same thing I do... I love him and I love that we have built a friendship...

I am upset with both of us, that we are not able to get it together enough to fix this. I continue to hate the back and forth that S has to do, I hate that H chooses to live alone instead of with his family. I hate feeling scared to bring things up, to discuss the reality in front of us. I think about D daily, yet I realize no one wins. Whether we continue like this or D, S continues to pay the price having to go back and forth. I wonder, if we work through and stay together, am I settling? I wonder, having always been the leader in this R, if I should push a little, but do I really want that?

Job, I know you always tell us the answers will come, and many of mine have, and I truly believe they will. I keep telling myself, this is all part of the process. Each day, each situation, each step is needed. I have faith in that and I keep digging for the strength to keep moving on, to keep the peace, and to be the rock for my family.

You all are a part of my strength, thank you for always being there.

M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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